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Original poster

Has anyone solved the problem of children bickering?

32 replies

SnowdropsInSpring · 11/08/2022 19:22

Both great children… individually…

But no matter what we do and where we go, (it’s worse out than at home), there’s constant bickering.

It's getting me down. This 'low level' (well, clearly not 'low') is almost worse than full on arguments.

They're 12 and 15, so old enough to know better 😢

OP posts:
c3pu · 11/08/2022 19:23

I tried to keep them apart as much as possible. Give one chores to do in the morning so they're out of the other one's way, then give the other child chores in the afternoon...

It helped a little, but not a lot!

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 11/08/2022 19:30

I used to tell mine the next person to open their mouth to argue will have to, then I would name a job e.g vacuum upstairs, dust lounge etc. Amazing how quickly they shut up 😁

minipie · 11/08/2022 19:31

Oooh I like that Mydp

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Families
mdh2020 · 11/08/2022 19:35

I used to tell them they would have to go to their own rooms

WLAH · 11/08/2022 19:37

Following .. mine within 5 mins been in each other start

User48751490 · 11/08/2022 19:38

They're not getting enough chores to do if they have time to bicker.

I set my children jobs to get on with. Right you - weeds out garden please. And you, I need that recycling sorted out. Chop chop.

Dillydollydingdong · 11/08/2022 19:43

My grandchildren will fight over anything! Dgs is 9, and dgd is 6. Whose turn is it to sit in the front of the car? Who had one more sweetie than they should? Whose turn is it to choose what to watch on tv? If anyone comes up with the solution they deserve a medal!

Original poster
SnowdropsInSpring · 11/08/2022 19:44

They do jobs - actually very amenable to helping out… but they will bicker during/ when they pass each other.

It's getting ridiculous. They are courteous and respectful with others, but not each other. They wind each other up and know exactly which buttons to push. I can’t say it’s boredom because they have plenty to do and it happens regardless. Tiredness maybe, sometimes, but not all of the time.

argh!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 11/08/2022 19:44

I read that it prepares them for life and future relationships in work etc..l constantly argued / fought with my dsis ..a fewof them...growing up. This weekend we had a family reunion after Covid separation with extended family. We were all there. My dsis and l now fully grown adults are best friends and hugely supportive to each other. Ignore as much as you can.

soupmaker · 11/08/2022 19:59

Ignore for the most part. Refuse to referee when one comes whining or crying. Implement consequences when bickering and niggling continues having been told to cease and desist. (I add chores, withhold pocket money, refuse to purchase treats, walk away and leave them when out and about). Mine are 9 and 15 and actually are pretty good and enjoy each other's company most of the time.

lugeforlife · 11/08/2022 20:55

I try and ignore but find it hard. I am a fairly calm person who doesn't like conflict at all and dds loathe each other about 65% of the time. They trigger my stress and I leave dh to deal with them (he grew up in a big family and it's standard for him). He does it by assigning chores, banning tech and getting a bit shouty tbh.

They totally bring out the worst in each other - dd1 gets sly and bitchy and dd2 hits out.

The issue is the other 35% of the time they are best mates and have a wonderful time together. They were fine until 10 so I'm praying it calms down again mid teens

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/08/2022 21:20

Don't talk to each other, don't look at each other, don't even THINK about each other.

Now go away, I don't want to hear ANY MORE of it!

Then shut the door and try and ignore the mutterings.

(So no, I have not found the answer Grin)

C8H10N4O2 · 11/08/2022 21:24

At 15 and 12? Probably the solution is about five years.

Honestly its annoying and frustrating but they grow out of it and will still likely be very close in adulthood.

Ignore as much as possible, try to avoid taking sides, buy ear plugs and when desperate issue an unreasonable dictat that unites all the kids against you - they then forget their differences rapidly 😅

CarlCarlson · 11/08/2022 21:27

Yes - a little thing called discipline

If you have that then they respect your word - you should be able to say ’jump’ and they say ‘how high’

minipie · 11/08/2022 21:28

CarlCarlson · 11/08/2022 21:27

Yes - a little thing called discipline

If you have that then they respect your word - you should be able to say ’jump’ and they say ‘how high’

I think that level of discipline is called fear

Purplepatsy · 11/08/2022 21:33

I had a method that almost never failed when mine were younger. (Two, close in age).I used to stop them, and tell them they both had to say three nice things about each other.
At first it might be a very grudging 'you've got nice hair.'
By the time they had both said three nice things they were always laughing.

That worked for me, I'm not saying it would work for everyone.

paddingtonstares · 11/08/2022 21:36

Don't expect them to get on. They are individuals. They don't have to like each other just because they are siblings. Would you want to be round someone you didn't get on with? Encourage separate activity, friends etc They are old enough to not need to be in each others company apart from when suits them both. They may well then actually want to see the sibling when it's not enforced time.

You can choose your friends, not your family.

Divide and conquer.

Spacerader · 11/08/2022 21:37

Ignore them, let them deal with it themselves, refuse to be the middle person and walk away. I always find the more I'm involved the longer the bickering happens because they have someone neutral to bounce off they csn tey to get on thier side.

Aswad · 11/08/2022 21:39

What’s that riddle?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it something, something?
Do you have some noise cancelling headphones?

LittleOwl153 · 11/08/2022 21:49

Mine are 9 and 12. And I find removing the audience usually makes them behave better towards each other. If they have ANY indication that their dad or I might be within earshot they squabble over nothing. Otherwise they do alot together and get on well!!

vipersnest1 · 11/08/2022 21:52

My two, both same sex (not saying which), got to the point that they would physically fight - until the day I told them I was not going to referee them any more.
They'd previously lived under the illusion (and I facilitated it, admittedly, but not deliberately), that I would intervene after they had pushed it as far as I was prepared to let them go.
They were both so shocked that they never went as far again. They still bickered here and there, but without me trying to resolve it, they both learned when enough was enough.
(That meant that, for a few years they ignored each other, but at least it was more peaceful! Grin)

Original poster
SnowdropsInSpring · 11/08/2022 21:53

lugeforlife · 11/08/2022 20:55

I try and ignore but find it hard. I am a fairly calm person who doesn't like conflict at all and dds loathe each other about 65% of the time. They trigger my stress and I leave dh to deal with them (he grew up in a big family and it's standard for him). He does it by assigning chores, banning tech and getting a bit shouty tbh.

They totally bring out the worst in each other - dd1 gets sly and bitchy and dd2 hits out.

The issue is the other 35% of the time they are best mates and have a wonderful time together. They were fine until 10 so I'm praying it calms down again mid teens

You have exactly described the dynamics of our family.

OP posts:
MisgenderedSwan · 12/08/2022 06:01

Mine are 10 and 8. When it gets too much I either send one for a shower/bath or we go for a walk. We walk until they stop complaining - the longest we've done is 8km.

If I haven't time for that then I send them to their own rooms with a timer for 15 minutes. Normally in that time they either find something to do by themselves or they find something they want the other one to do with them so end up getting along for a while.

Aria20 · 12/08/2022 07:27

@ChiefWiggumsBoy sounds about right here. Especially in the car - don't even look at each other... "mum he's looking at me... no I'm looking out of the window...look out of your own window!!"

DS 13 & 11 bicker and wind each other up a lot. It drives me insane. The 11 yo can give it but can't take it and the 13yo knows exactly what buttons to push.... then 4yo dd pipes up and gets involved and she is a feisty one already and certainly can handle herself.

Separating them is key - the days one of the boys are out with friends we have peace and calm - until they return! It is usually the 13yo instigating the conflict he seems to enjoy the reaction he gets from winding his siblings up! However, he is very protective over both of them when out and about and would do anything for them and they do have good days.

BogRollBOGOF · 12/08/2022 07:57

2 kids and a 7 seater car works well... I was social distancing them long before it became trendy... the least annoying child gets the most coverted seat which calms them both down.

1:1 time is good for us all and brings out the best in them.

That works for about 1.5% of the time 😂