How to deal with increasing racism from DM

[Champagneforeveryone]

DM is 76 and in stubbornly good health, though admittedly lonely since being widowed 7 years ago. She's still mentally sharp, though her very limited social life (her own choice) means she has little actual conversation - I wonder (in kinder moments) whether this is part of the problem, that she just says "stuff" to fill in the conversation.

An example is a conversation this morning where she's taken herself into the city to "cheer herself up". However she says she was made to feel "like she didn't belong" by the foreigners. There's nothing specific that has led to this pronouncement, just that people were not speaking in English, and also had the temerity to look at her.

She's also put out by the number of "foreigner shops" that have sprung up, particularly as Selfridges has recently closed - though personally I'm doubtful that was the fault of the Polish deli <shrug> She says the city "used to be lovely" it really wasn't and the inference is this is down to the foreigners.

None of this is overtly racist, it's just her opinion (albeit one that she would do well to keep to herself) We've chided her on a couple of occasions but she's not to be deflected, and partly I think this fuels the fire.

In truth we're not close but we are her only family. I find having to navigate conversations in public puts me slightly on edge and I've just turned down a casual meet up when she's next visiting as I'm actually secretly embarrassed.

Any advice on how best to negotiate this (without starting WW3) would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Explain that this is in fact now 'wrongthink'. You should also explain her generation is considered quite stupid and ignorant (especially on Mumsnet, which is quite an authority) and had wrongthink - that your generation is enlightened and knows what is the 'right way' to feel about the rapidly changing nation. You could also consider calling the police and reporting her for 'hate crime'. She has probably has caused anxiety to many people with the wrongthink so I think it really needs addressing. Maybe she should go to an educational facility to learn what is rightthink and how she can too achieve it.

On a serious note, she probably reads rightwing rags and it's annoying, but still, the woman is entitled to be a jerk in the free world and demographics are genuinely changing. Why don't you try and reassure her and help her fear and concern rather than writing her off as a fool.

Well said @excitingusername

I think the pearl clutchers here don’t realise that one day WE will be considered the fools by the children we raised.

I think a lot of these feelings are bred from fear, and fear of change. Change is harder to grasp the older you get so a little understanding, discussion and reassurance is better than saying “OMG mum you can’t say foreigners that’s racist!”.

If she’s worried about crime rates for example, find out the facts and tell her ‘actually crime has reduced in this area since 2020’ etc - our county has a local ‘observatory’ for stuff like this. If she still bangs in then there’s not much you can do except steer the conversation another way.

It:s not your place to police her thoughts or her language (what is the difference between person of colour and coloured person, btw?).
To a person of her age, immigrants will always be outsiders ; to her children and grandchildren they will be full members of British society. It all depends on when you grew up.
I hate the way old people are bullied and sneered at for their opinions these days. It is as if the woke are writing them off as worthless.

@SammyScrounge YY me too, silly old people and their old people opinions.

I wonder if some people think they’re part of the first ever generation to notice inequalities and injustice?

Long before many of us were born there were women fighting for the right to vote, to have rights in marriage, to have paid maternity leave, to have access to contraceptives. Similarly many people marched for the rights of POC, and to decriminalise mixed race marriages and decriminalise being gay. They fought for the right for women and POC to have the right to an education. These changes didn’t fall out of the sky, hard working people before us stuck their head above the parapet and fought for them. And all for their descendants to sneer at that generation who made those changes and write them off as ignorant and stupid, by younger people that watch nobodies on TV shag in hot tubs and eat washing machine pods for fun.

The first race relations act was passed in 1965.
I do wonder when younger people will stop blaming someone’s age for their racist behaviour.
My df is 91 and he and dm refused to join the residents group in 1963 because of their racist agenda.
An ex work colleague, on the other hand, is married to a 37 year old man who is overtly racist.
Imo the only difference in generations is that younger racists are much more careful not to be caught out.

People are to have what, absolutely zero response to their changing environment, like some kind of robotic entity? And it's not like she's imagining the changes, these things are really happening - not everyone can just immediately cope and there are genuine real-life consequences for people, particularly poor communities. When exactly are people allowed to have a response to their reality? At what level are people allowed to feel slightly anything that isn't the sanctimonious, self-flagellating, multicultural wetdream? I think people should be helped to have some acceptance of the situation and some help to see that they are ok despite the changes so they don't have real prejudice towards innocent people who have come here but I don't remotely think you can blame people for being concerned about the overall situation.

If anything it shows that we should be doing way more to integrate different communities. More ventures that help people get to know people rather than abandon certain demographics to just cope.

Neither of my (late 80s/late 90s yo) parents is remotely racist and wouldn’t tolerate it. Dad found going to war against fascism in WW2 opened his mind rather than closed it. Doesn’t have to be an age-related thing. Almost always related to fear/ignorance though (not any excuse of course).