Difference in income issues with friend

[Cotherstone]

I have a very old and good friend but she’s recently started being passive aggressive (I think?) about our incomes and I don’t know what to do.

My DC are older than hers, so I have returned to work full time. I also work in a private sector sphere that pays more than her public sector job. Our DH’s work in the same public sector sphere but my DH has gone for promotions where as her DH has specialised at a lower level. This means we have a larger annual income than she and her DH do.

This has come up because we have moved recently, and we are on holiday. Our expenditure on both was more than theirs. Tbf, our house move was partly funded by one of DH’s parents dying and a small inheritance - obviously we’d so much rather they were here than the money, but it is what it is.

She knows how much our house cost as it’s right there online, and she keeps making comments about it. She also asked for a link to where we were staying for our holiday and I, maybe foolishly, sent it to her.

It’s just constant comments. “I can’t believe you could afford that house” and “that’s twice as much as we spent on our holiday”.

She’s a great friend. But I don’t know how to manage these comments. Am I doing something wrong? Should I send her the wrong listings for our holiday home or something? We’re certainly not rolling in it and like most people we’re facing the rising cost of living and worrying that my job is potentially less secure than public sector roles. It feels so difficult at the moment. What should I do? Or am I just being sensitive?

You’re not just being sensitive. That’s not nice.

That said, given she’s a really old and good fiend I’d try to talk to her about it.

You could say you’ve noticed she’s making a lot of comments about money and you’re wondering if she’s ok because it’s coming up a lot. And then let her know that it’s really unpleasant for you.

You need to stop telling her anything about your financial situation.

Tell her and the result will show if she is actually a good friend.

It would be interesting to know the disparity not the actual amount but the % amount.

I think I'd avoid the speech about us all facing the cost of living and the attempts to make it sound as though you are the opposite of affluent, all in the same boat etc if you did discuss it. It may be meant well but when you are saying it to a person who has just told you your holiday cost twice what theirs did and they can't even conceptualise owning a home with the value yours has, it is going to sound a bit reaching and potentially inflammatory.

There is nothing wrong with understanding and appreciating that you are essentially fairly well off compared to a lot of people who are struggling with the cost of living very tangibly and with immediate direct effect on maintaining homes, buying them at all or affording basic needs. If expensive holidays and new homes can still be bought and maintained/improved n this climate then the cost of living is an going concern, not a desperate direct worry.

You aren't in the same position as she is, it clearly worries her and she may well feel her life compares unfavourably. I'd not link her things I was buying and would have a chat apologising for if it seemed I'd been rubbing it in but would also make clear that some of her comments put me in an uncomfortable position. Better to just avoid talk of finances and focus on mutual hobbies/the friendship as it was before money intervened.

No, she’s not a “great friend “. It’s none of her business. I don’t understand how you’ve tolerated this until now.

I've had similar - "it's alright for you, money's no object for you. If money was an object you wouldn't be going here, there and everywhere." (I'm paraphrasing).

I have to be honest, those comments have damaged our friendship. I was in lockdown the same as everyone else, and I'm spending the money which was not spent then. I can't apologise for that!

But as a PP has said, were they a friend in the first place?

She isn't being a great friend, but if you want to salvage the friendship and stop it festering you can just approach it directly. If she's a genuine friend she'll listen and you can work through it. If she responds defensively or gets arsey then you'll know you've not lost much.

If it's been several times she's raised it you can bring it up next time you see her, or send a message. 'Friend, a few times lately you've brought up my financial situation and seemed unhappy with what we've spent on things like holidays or the house. What's going on?' and leave it. Puts it back on her. She might brush it off but she will know it's not acceptable and hopefully stop doing it. You approach it in a spirit of 'you're being a bit weird, are you okay?'

Or you can respond directly to each comment as it happens. Don't let it slide.

'Wow, can't believe you spent so much on a house!' 'I know right, perks of dead parents haha!'

'Omg, your holiday was twice the cost of ours' 'it was awesome! Worth every penny'

Just brush it off. Don't let her achieve her goal, which seems to be making you feel bad about your money.

I feel for you, I took early retirement last year at 58, DH still working but we have savings, I also have an inheritance (I had older parents than most) and I will get some small DB pensions at 60.

Most people have been nice, the odd one or 2 have made some bitchy comments. One of them (52) has since changed jobs and then admitted she might finish before 60, yet has made so many snide comments to me.

We have recently bought a motorhome (smallest on market so I can drive it, so not massively expensive) but we have been selective in who we have told, and are keeping it in storage rather than at home so we don’t get awkward questions. I know we shouldn’t have to, but it’s easier that way.

Mind you, I also had comments from another friend at weekend as I told her we had been to the C games. She thought it was far too much to spend, yet she has loads more money than us, multiple houses etc. Having lost a close friend recently (same age as me, well off but didn’t get to enjoy retirement), I pointed out that we can’t take it with us, but she thought we shouldn’t spend it either!

I just try and remember that any remarks reflect badly on them, not us!

No one should be ashamed of having money or not having money. A lot is down to luck/chance, despite the myths that it’s all just hard work. I tend to keep things
like this quiet. I had a large inheritance recently but chucked a load into the mortgage - our everyday standard of living is the same, no flash new cars or anything like that. We’ve had a nice holiday but that could just be put down to lockdown savings. Realistically, you never really know someone else’s financial position and nor should you.

I’m rather in your friend situation, I have a couple of friends with higher income. It never occurred to me to comment on their choice of holidays or other purchases in that way. So I think you were fine to send her a reference and she was very rude.
However one of my friends has much higher income and it would be very unnatural for her to comment on the rising cost of living etc. in the conversation with me even it worries her (and I’m sure in some ways it does) She never does and I really appreciate this. So I suppose both sides should show understanding to each other but it doesn’t mean you should hide what you are doing/ buying etc.

i think tbh that your friendship is affected already, the income disparity is a big friendship killer imo.

I think going forward, I would box a bit clever with this particular friend. If she asks where you are going on holiday, I’d send her a Google map link to the area, not a link to the price of the actual venue. Keep things as vague as possible.

I'm the poor friend. I live in a small house in the suburbs where we grew up. Rich old friend now lives in the city. I am very fond of her - but every time I see her, we have to go out for a meal in a posh gastropub or bar, we have to spend £15/glass on cocktails, drink £40-50 bottles of wine.... she doesn't notice, it's normal for her. That's just not how I live and it makes me feel very boring and provincial.

These are two things. The house move is clearly not going to be a annual occurance and the holiday not a weekly one. I do wonder if you’re both at it to be honest.

@LittleGreenBeetle you don't have to do this.

Next time you are arranging to meet up you be the one to suggest the location and stick to it.

A true friend would be most embarrassed if they thought you were uncomfortable with the amount of money you were spending because of their choices.

What you can afford, or want, to spend is no less important than what your friend wants to spend. Set your boundaries.