When I was 10 my dad committed suicide. This was over 22 years ago now. I still feel like this affects almost every part of my life, how normal is this?
If I'm honest I don't remember too much how I felt at the time it happened. when I think back to the months following it's just me remembering how others were reacting. I remember my sister being completely overwhelmed with grief. She is two years older than me and I remember thinking I should be acting more like her. Before his funeral we had the chance to see him in the funeral parlour. My mum made clear it was our choice, I remember I really wanted to do it but before going into the room my sister broke down and couldn't go in. I thought this was what normal people did so I pretended I didn't want to go in, this is something I really regret. I do remember feeling sad of course but I also remember being completely fine then something happening and feeling like I had to be sadder. For example, I was playing with my younger sister then my best friends mum dropped some flowers round for my mum and I felt guilty about her seeing me laughing! I also didn't cry at the funeral. I remember looking round and my mum, older sister and younger sister were all huddled together crying. I was sat next to them and on my other side were my two older brothers who were both crying, then turning round and seeing my grandparents crying. It was just surreal to me. I remember wanting to know every detail of how it happened but my mum not really wanting to tell me much. I was fascinated when we scattered his ashes that that was him and I picked some up and put it in my pocket!
Going through my teenage years I was just so angry with my mum. She didn't have a great marriage with my dad, I don't ever remember them being happy. She was having an affair at the time of his death and I definitely blamed her. If I'm honest I still do, I think its what tipped him over the edge to do what he did.
When I had my own children in my early 20s I started to think about my dad even more. I developed severe anxiety which took over my life for a good few years. I was completely terrified of dying or something happening to my children.
I have now got a hold of my anxiety and I am able to manage it, I still get anxious but it doesn't consume me anymore. What I'm really struggling with now is just this overwhelming sadness for my dad. It's not actually so much that I miss him because to be honest trying to think about what kind of relationship we would have me being an adult is really difficult. I can't imagine what it's like to have a dad anymore. It's more I keep thinking of his last few days and feeling so sad with what he went through and how he must have been feeling to go through with it. I keep replaying in my head the last time I saw him and it was obvious he was saying goodbye to me. Sometimes i just burst into tears because I'm so sad for him. I feel like this shouldn't be happening 22 years later.
I'm guess I'm not really asking any questions but I never ever talk about this in real life. I don't know anyone in real life who has lost a parent this way and what their experiences are so it would be interesting to hear from anyone who has gone through similar and what they do to help themselves.