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Original poster

My Dad is a disaster zone

19 replies

PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 18:53

I feel like my Dad is losing control of his life, and I can't seem to help him. Just a few issues:

  • He's a lifelong alcoholic and heavy smoker / pot smoker
  • He is paranoid to a level that verges on psychosis. He has strange beliefs about cameras in his house, rooms being bugged, people recording his conversations. He thinks his 'enemies' spy on him and that he can hear them insulting him through the heating pipes.
  • He's in trouble at work for mishandling equipment, dropping and damaging things, he has injured himself twice in the past year. He has a manual job and his duties have been restricted heavily but he thinks it's part of the general conspiracy against him, he doesn't see things rationally.
I think he is going to lose his job. I've volunteered to help him sort out his financial stuff to see if he would be able to cope if that happened (eg. outstanding mortgage amount, pension forecasts) - but he is paranoid about that as well and accuses me of wanting his info to exploit him. I just don't know what to do. He just seems to lurch from one disaster to another and won't accept any help with the underlying issues (MH and drinking).
OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 06/08/2022 19:04

What age is he? My first port of call would usually be the GP for blood work to check his general level of health and make sure there are no vitamin deficiencies.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 19:05

He's 54.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 06/08/2022 19:08

Does he have mh support who could assess him, if he is suffering with acute psychosis he really needs medical attention.

A580Hojas · 06/08/2022 19:14

He needs to give up drinking. Hopefully he will reach rock bottom soon and access help and turn his life around. He has a better chance of doing this if you step back and don't prop him other (other people will call this "enabling").

For you I recommend getting support from Al-Anon - they are a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. There are groups everywhere, just like AA, and they will help you to see the truth of the situation.

You can't help him - this is the first thing you need to accept. It's very difficult, I know, but you just can't. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 19:26

I do understand, but in this situation -I guess rock bottom would be losing his job, being unable to pay his bills, losing his house etc and then I would have to step in anyway because he doesn't have anyone else. I just hope it doesn't get that far

He has been referred for alcohol treatment twice (by his GP) and attended the sessions but then dropped it. I think the issue of paranoia was raised at the same time but from what I understand, a lot of antipsychotic medications don't mix well with alcohol and it can make the side effects worse. The drinking is absolutely the root cause of everything though, for sure. He doesn't see it as a problem - it is the main thing he enjoys in life.

OP posts:
Coffeesnob11 · 06/08/2022 19:32

My exh is an alcoholic and was paranoid. He had a gas mask and a bullet proof vest. He said the government were listening to him via his phone and the helicopters were tracking him. I always thought it was an alcoholic dementia/wet brain that caused it. Have you been to al anon for the friends and family of alcoholics? It's so hard isn't it.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 21:17

A580Hojas · 06/08/2022 19:14

He needs to give up drinking. Hopefully he will reach rock bottom soon and access help and turn his life around. He has a better chance of doing this if you step back and don't prop him other (other people will call this "enabling").

For you I recommend getting support from Al-Anon - they are a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. There are groups everywhere, just like AA, and they will help you to see the truth of the situation.

You can't help him - this is the first thing you need to accept. It's very difficult, I know, but you just can't. I'm so sorry.

I will definitely look up Al-Anon, thank you for this.

I wish there was some magic technique to help him "see the light", but it must be like that with all alcoholics. I think it's really hard for them to imagine a different life so they don't want to talk about the possibility and just shut it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 21:18

Coffeesnob11 · 06/08/2022 19:32

My exh is an alcoholic and was paranoid. He had a gas mask and a bullet proof vest. He said the government were listening to him via his phone and the helicopters were tracking him. I always thought it was an alcoholic dementia/wet brain that caused it. Have you been to al anon for the friends and family of alcoholics? It's so hard isn't it.

Do you mind me asking - did he recover, in the end? Did he get treatment for the drinking and the paranoia?

OP posts:
Rosehugger · 06/08/2022 21:20

I don't really see what you can do. He's an adult and perfectly capable of fucking up his life by himself. Leave him to it,he won't thank you for intervening.

Rosehugger · 06/08/2022 21:21

All you can do is get help yourself for how you feel about it. I'd get help for you, not for him.

Mardyface · 06/08/2022 21:23

Does he live with you? Are your affairs tied up with his at all, apart from obviously emotionally? If they are I suggest you separate them straight away. If they are not I'm really sorry but you can't do anything to make him see the light. In some ways - and I mean this in the kindest way possible as someone who has been roughly where you are - taking any of the responsibility of that in yourself is part of what will stop him from seeing it himself or doing anything about it. You can still love him while not trying to help him. If he asks you to book him into rehab by all means do it, bit otherwise you cannot make him better I'm afraid. Flowers

PieonaBarm · 06/08/2022 21:33

Weed causes paranoia, especially the more "modern" super strength stuff that you get now that wasn't around 20 years ago when resin was more prevalent. MH services won't touch him while he's drinking/smoking weed because if masks the actual symptoms.

MammaWeasel · 06/08/2022 21:38

It may be possible that your father is suffering mental health issues, eg bipolar or schizophrenia, and is unconsciously self medicating with drink and drugs inorder to cope with everyday life. Which turns into a vicious cycle. I don't have any solutions for you I'm afraid, gp would be my first port of call.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 07/08/2022 10:11

Mardyface · 06/08/2022 21:23

Does he live with you? Are your affairs tied up with his at all, apart from obviously emotionally? If they are I suggest you separate them straight away. If they are not I'm really sorry but you can't do anything to make him see the light. In some ways - and I mean this in the kindest way possible as someone who has been roughly where you are - taking any of the responsibility of that in yourself is part of what will stop him from seeing it himself or doing anything about it. You can still love him while not trying to help him. If he asks you to book him into rehab by all means do it, bit otherwise you cannot make him better I'm afraid. Flowers

No, he lives alone. He doesn't really ask for help or intervention but he talks when he's unhappy, enough for me to know that he's losing track of his 'life admin', which is all paper-based because he isn't online / doesn't want to engage with the Internet. Not being online also makes it 10 x harder to sort out practical things like banking, shopping, GP appointments, bills, council tax - God knows how he's coping with the cost of living crisis etc. The only thing that matters is the booze.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 07/08/2022 10:15

Mental health services won’t touch him if he’s an alcoholic. I don’t think there’s anything you can do, unfortunately.

notprincehamlet · 07/08/2022 10:27

Thiamine deficiency is common in alcoholics and can cause cognitive issues (my brother's an alcoholic, it's tough, there's not a lot you can do if they don't want to stop drinking)

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/08/2022 11:38

My Dad was an alcoholic at 54. He's now 80, and guess what, he is still an alcoholic. It's exhausting. Everything has to revolve around drink. But then he falls asleep at 9pm and misses the whole night, then wants t get up at midnight and start the drinking again. No advice, but lots of sympathy from me.

Mardyface · 07/08/2022 11:39

I'm sorry @PurpleSky300 I know it's hurtful and hard. I will say that my dad (who sounds similar) sorted himself out a bit once my sister and I left him to it. I do think that's fairly rare but I can tell you that us trying to help him made absolutely no difference at all whereas accepting we couldn't felt a lot better for us (and ultimately he is better for now - but as I say I think that's unusual or just something that happened in the course of a long history of getting better and worse and better and worse again).

I do feel for you. Be kind to yourself.

Coffeesnob11 · 08/08/2022 06:04

PurpleSky300 · 06/08/2022 21:18

Do you mind me asking - did he recover, in the end? Did he get treatment for the drinking and the paranoia?

Show quote history

He hasn't stopped drinking. He doesn't speak to his family or see our child. We all expect a call one day to say his body has failed.

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