A step above just typical nosiness. Does anyone know what I mean?

[VladmirsPoutine]

I have a colleague who tends to ask people questions. I will say that I'm the type of person to never outright ask someone something about their personal lives unless it comes up in conversation. However with my colleague she seems to be asking innocently as though to build rapport but I just feel there's something more sinister about it that's more than just nosiness iyswim?
I say this because there are things that I'd be happy to tell another colleague, for example, that I went to a concert over the weekend but with this colleague I find myself saying I didn't do much.
I know I'm overthinking it at this point because it's okay to just carry on as I've been doing basically saying not much but has anyone experienced something similar where you feel there's just something more to it?

Maybe they ask questions because they don’t have much going on in their own life so use it as a way of making conversation or maybe they are just being polite.

I don’t actually care what other people have got up to, I have nothing in common with the colleagues I work closest to-different ages, different interests, different lifestyles, kids/no kids etc. I ask because if I didn’t I’d have nothing to chat to them about and I’d feel rude not engaging with them at all.

Impossible to say without some examples of what you mean, can you give one?

What questions does she ask you that you feel are too intrusive?

Do anything nice at the weekend? Doesn't really seem like one.

Eh? It just sounds like you don't like her - she's asking innocent questions, that you'd be happy to answer if someone else asked.

Maybe she is a friendly person making the effort to get to know her colleagues? You don't mention that her questions are intrusive or inappropriate.

What happens when you tell her what you do? Also, what does ‘normal nosiness’ look like? It could be that she’s just interested in your life. Or she doesn’t want to be one of those people who talk too much about themselves.

Is there something else in her behaviour that is making you nervous? I dont think nervous is quite the right word - alert?

I think I just fundamentally do not trust her. Because the thing is the things she has asked are what would otherwise be typical normal questions that do arise. But for whatever reason I feel as though she's just not got the intent to build rapport.

She's asked if I'm married with children. She's asked about my previous work background - all things that I have actually discussed with other colleagues in passing or in general chat about our lives but with her the walls build up. I think it comes down to me not trusting her but as much as I think trust your instincts I'm just wondering if there is a difference, a line, between someone being genuinely curious and someone out for something else.

I would never for example randomly ask someone over coffee in the canteen if they had a happy childhood or what their birthchart looks like. It's just a bit mannerless.

@BruisedSkies That's the thing, to me normal nosiness can mean anything but with a nosy colleague I'd be okay to just breeze over it and not think much of it but with her I sense her reasoning for asking questions goes above and beyond just nosiness.

Perhaps she is genuinely interested? Are you concerned that she will share personal information about you with other people? I had a colleague like that who was nice enough but was always discussing other peoples business and as a result I was more guarded than usual.

what their birthchart looks like. It's just a bit mannerless

Never mind nosy is someonw asked me that I wouldn't understand the question? What does that even mean?

Is it something that isnt asked about in polite conversation?

I think it’s normal to ask what you did at the weekend. I don’t think it’s normal to ask whether you had a happy childhood.

To be honest, I’d just spin it back to her if you don’t fancy answering. When people ask if, say, you have plans for the weekend, I find a lot of the time its because they’d like to tell you about their plans and are more interested in their own plans and talking about them than in yours.😀

I sense her reasoning for asking questions goes above and beyond just nosiness.

To what though?

Hi @VladmirsPoutine I am wondering if you work in my office - I have a colleague just like this!

I would say stick with your instincts, just practice giving vague or lighthearted answers. If someone asked me if I had had a happy childhood, I would say 'Haha are you hoping for group therapy?' and try to turn it around. I am quite good at wriggling out of the conversation.

With people like this, never tell them you are uncomfortable, because it is just a feeling and so hard to explain.

People do it to make others feel vulnerable. A surprisingly high number of people have personality disorders or are just not very nice so it is not uncommon to meet a few at work.

yeah weird questions....

The example questions you quoted were a bit odd, but coming at it from the other point of view...I find social situations /chit chat very difficult. Advice given to people feeling this way is always "ask the other person all about themselves"! So maybe your colleague is just not comfortable in social situations? And trying too hard?

OP,
You say 'I have a colleague who tends to ask people questions.'

So she does it with everyone and not just you? Hmmmm...

OK, so play her at her own game, (do a 'Wagatha Christie') and tell her some fictitious fanciful stories about what you have/haven't done.

See how long it takes for these to come back to you.

Then you'll know a bit more about her motivations....

@ToooOldForThis Yes, I too find social chit chat very awkward and would rather someone waxed lyrical about their own life than ask me about mine! But for some reason with others I'm happy to say last weekend I was shooting up coke and swinging from a chandelier (not that but at least what I did) but with her I'd just say "not much, how was yours".

I'm not the anxious type but I just feel she's not my kind of person. Not that we all need to hold hands and sing kumbaya at work but something about her.

@carefullycourageous Are you good at the corporate translations? If so how can I say politely "I'm not going to answer that question" or how does one politely say "leave me alone unless you have something about work to ask me about."

I do not work in a very corporate environment, but I do work in a professional team. I would just try something dismissive like:
'Oh, I had better not get started on that, haha, or I will be here all day'
'Oh, no one wants to hear all about me - why don't you tell us about your weekend/wedding/childhood'

But could you perhaps say 'I'm sorry to cut this short Sue, I can hear my spreadsheet (I am always doing a bastard spreadsheet ) is calling me'

I think as long as you are light, it is fine to not continue the conversation.