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Friend diagnosed with lung cancer that spread
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Poyyu23 · 05/08/2022 22:56

Hello, I wrote about my lovely, young and healthy friend (non smoker) who recently got diagnosed with lung cancer that spread to her brain. She lives in another part of Europe and I am in the UK. We spoke initially, I sent her lovely gifts and found the names of specialist in the UK.
She told me a little about her treatment but now has decided she doesn’t want to talk and wants to focus on herself. She also has two young children. Completely understandable.

This is not about me but I feel hopeless not knowing what to do. I think about her a lot and I am worried sick I won’t see her again. If you read online the life expectancy is 6 months.
Any helpful suggestions on what to do?

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MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 05/08/2022 23:03

Go and see her.

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B1rd · 05/08/2022 23:29

Send periodic messages of good will.. I wouldn't go and visit her. She's frightened and has enough on.

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mindutopia · 06/08/2022 00:37

Just let her know you’re there for her if she wants to reach out and then leave her in peace. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He died 4 weeks later. That’s not to say your friend will experience the same.

But realistically her time is limited. She probably wants to spend it in a very focused way. That’s okay. Just support her with that.

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Poyyu23 · 06/08/2022 06:48

Thank you

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Galarunner · 06/08/2022 06:53

My mum had a similar diagnosis and died within 6 weeks. She had a lot of friends and found all the people wanting to visit or even dealing with gifts and cards overwhelming. I had to advocate for her and send people away after a say a 10 minute visit as she was so exhausted. Can you take advice from her partner / other family members on what she might like. With my mum's permission I set up a WhatsApp group of her close friends to coordinate visits, calls and share updates. Friends said this very helpful. Sending love to you and your friend

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sorcerersapprentice · 06/08/2022 07:08

Do you know her husband / partner and DCs? Could you go and see them? You will be a contact for them through all of this and sadly after this. For the DCs, they will be able to ask you about her in the future. This sounds horribly morbid, I know. Could you do anything to strengthen that bond and contact for them now?

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Upyouranty · 06/08/2022 07:14

As a cancer patient I have to say one of the most trying things is the expectation to manage other peoples reactions/ feelings about my diagnosis and treatment.
I’ve found myself all to often comforting others.
There isn’t to much you can do tbh. Just let her know that you care her about her and are here for her if she needs anything. Send the occasional treat box - blanket for chemo - something thoughtful.
I’ve not looked at any of the cards I’ve received - I’m glad people sent them but I’ve put them in a box.
im sorry about your friend ♥️

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Poyyu23 · 06/08/2022 14:10

Thank you for your messages. I figured that she needs a break and that is understandable. Her children are only 4 and 2. Because of Covid we never went over to her country as I had a DD, then she had hers and there was Covid. We have a joint friend in the country she lives and she will keep me posted. I will speak to our joint friend next week to see what; if anything can be done.

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LesleyA · 07/08/2022 22:19

I’m so saddened by this. I survived cancer and was terrified my kids would lose their mum. My dad has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. We are getting further results soon. I’ll start a new thread but as people have posted on here mentioning cancer can I ask is there any hope? They said they must shrink it with chemo and maybe see if they can operate. Since then they’ve done a biopsy and a scan of the body. Now we wait. I’m terrified as is he. Sorry to hijack your post. Your friend is lucky to have u.

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Kup · 07/08/2022 22:37

OP She told me a little about her treatment but now has decided she doesn’t want to talk and wants to focus on herself

If she has told you she doesn't want to talk then I think you are right to respect her wishes. It's good that she has felt able to be honest to you. Hopefully your mutual friend will let you know if you can get her anything.

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ParanoidGynodroid · 07/08/2022 23:56

I'm sorry your friend has this overwhelming situation to deal with.
A cousin of my MIL's had late stage cancer (man in his early 40s with young children) and called a halt to visiting family and friends. Must be so awful to have people you haven't seen for ages descending on you with sad and sympathetic faces... must really rub in the reality of the situation. MIL was slightly miffed, but then again she was always self centred and lacking in empathy.

You sound like a good friend, OP, and I agree with others that sending regular good wishes with no expectation of response may be a good idea.

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