What do you do when a friend flakes on you once too often ? Do you tell them they’ve annoyed you ?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

😰

Yes.

I stopped bothering.

No. Life happens, priorities happen, illness happens, moods happen. Life’s hard enough just try again next time or leave them be xxx

Depends what friend. I flaked twice on my friend recently and she rang me because I rarely flake and was worried about me (dealing with a divorce). That friend is also a non flaker so I'd be concerned if the roles were reversed and like her not take it personally but be concerned before being annoyed.

I have other friends that regularly flake, it doesn't bother me as they do show up for birthdays, emergencies and are otherwise really good friends.

A friend of mine was constantly really late for prearranged meet-ups and once didn't turn up at all having forgotten. I hated doing it but I told her she made me feel unimportant in her busy life. She was horrified, apologised profusely and has now changed her ways. Sometimes you have to speak up or resentment can build and ruin the friendship

I've had the conversation with someone who was consistently an hour late.

Now I wouldn't bother, I'd just not see them again.

flakiness -depends on reasons and how it impacts me, is it last minute etc.

Thanks for your thoughts
I’ll think on what to do

half of me wants to say
hey that’s ok I half expected you to flake

half of me just what’s to let it go and just avoid making any major plans with that person for quite a while

Difficult particularly if otherwise they're a good friend. Worse thing for me was when they didn't turn up at all. I left wondering if they were OK. Phoned them in the evening to find everything OK but they'd forgotten. I didn't mind as everyone makes mistakes but what really irked me was that they laughed about it! Esp annoying as I'd use my day off from work to meet them. They just don't seem to value my time as important as theirs.

I just won't go out of my way to accommodate them now. I just meet when its convenient to me. Other friends I'm more inclined to.

Yes this person is a nice good person
but it really makes you feel like your time is not valued

I just stop messaging or calling or arranging things and leave it to them. I would send the odd message to check in and make sure they are well but let them arrange things if they want to.

I had a friend like this.

In the end I allowed the friendship to fizzle out.

Although it kinda had because she always flaked and things were on her terms and she'd found another new BF for a period of time. From for this but our time spent together was good so I lived my life and enjoyed time with her when I could.

I agree with you about feeling valued.

When we were closer as our kids are same age and met a lot to do things for them I took back control by making our arrangements less dependent on her attendance and less formal.

For example (text)

Me: taking to ds to beach at x around 10am Wednesday. Welcome to join if you want

Her: yeah that'll be good see you 10. Shall we meet at x spot.

Me: we are going to be at y doing a,b,c if you turn up

Her: ok.

On the day

Her: (10.01am) sorry running late. Need to go to ship to get picnic, new clothes for this activity as kids have none (for some reason she did this constantly so I've no idea what happened to clothes they worn to beach week before). "

Me: no worries

Her: are you there yet

Me: yes

Her: are you doing activity

Me: yes

Her: oh my kids will be disappointed they were looking diehard to doing it

Me: well when you arrive you can do it with them

These sort of exchanges and change of control made me feel less let down and she didn't like the fact I didn't care she hadn't arrived. Previously we always arranged to go places travelling together which meant I was waiting around or trailing around shops with her for hours before we got somewhere.

Unsurprisingly when I stopped being her personal lapdog that's when she started finding other "best friends" to hang around with.

Basically other lapdogs