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Original poster

Alcoholic or did stress drive him to a one off?

14 replies

Sparkleyd · 04/08/2022 09:33

Pun not intended!

Drank a bottle a night with no effects. Some nights would have absolutely nothing, but if the bottle was opened it was 2 gasses minimum.

Never drank when we drove anywhere, not even round the corner - ie wouldn’t have just one.

Bought same wine often, in batches, we were never without it.

it I was out for the night he would be noticeably drunk when I returned or when he text me.

got a drink driving charge at midday recently, witness said he was swerving all over the road. Banned for 2 years. I was v v upset about this and he said he was stressed as I was 8mo pregnant and ‘had argued with him non stop for a month.’ Kind of true and I feel terrible about that but the morning it happened was a normal morning and I’d asked what he wanted for dinner etc.

he’s gone a bit off the rails mentally as he’s suspended from work (teacher) and can’t go back in September unless various things are met. He’s been angry and upset and has suggested it was down to the stress we we under/caused by me. He’s now moved out temporarily. I have tried to be supportive but it’s very hard with a newborn and found the suggestion it was on me very hard. All my friends and family have labelled him as an alcoholic and I just don’t know if that’s true or fair. In some ways it doesn’t matter but I am struggling to get my head around everything. His family apparently think I’ve potentially cost him his job.

OP posts:

LizzieMacQueen · 04/08/2022 09:35

This is NOT on you.

Please do not believe this is your fault.

newbiename · 04/08/2022 09:37

Absolutely not your fault. All on him.

KindergartenKop · 04/08/2022 09:39

This is NOT your fault. He's trying to deflect his own issues on to you.

However, if you think the relationship is worth sticking with then you both need to sit down together and discuss how he can stop drinking (cutting down is unlikely to work) and how he can meet his employers targets. Remind him that you both have to step up as parents and it can't just be down to you to carry everything on your shoulders. If he tries to blame you then bin him, he will be a hindrance in the coming months with a tiny baby. Do you have support from anyone else?

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Relationship problems

MadeiraMDear · 04/08/2022 09:40

Yes, he has a major problem with alcohol. Alcoholics will use any excuse to drink. It’s nobody’s ‘fault’. He won’t change unless he accepts he has a problem and gets help. Certainly not your fault and nothing you can do about it, sadly.

liveforsummer · 04/08/2022 09:42

Doesn't sound like this was a once off. Assume he'd been drinking that morning and not still over the limit from the night before? It's unlikely he was caught the first and only time tbh and must have been very drunk to be swerving if he has a high tolerance. This isn't on you OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 09:42

You are in denial. This man is an alcoholic and you simply can't raise a child around him. You should be running for the hills.

Pixies74 · 04/08/2022 09:46

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2022 09:42

You are in denial. This man is an alcoholic and you simply can't raise a child around him. You should be running for the hills.

This.

TheVanguardSix · 04/08/2022 09:47

So the work suspension is HUGE.
And there's no excuse for being stupid/putting others at risk/bringing harm home to one's family.
But he's started a family under the stressful shadow of being suspended, which could have huge implications on future employability. So yes, that is stressful, anyone would agree.
However, the only person responsible here is HIM. He has autonomy over himself and he is solely responsible for his choices, his actions.
Nobody made him drink himself to the point of endangering others but him.
It sounds like being apart is sensible and safe! He either comes to terms with his drink problem or he doesn't.
At this point, all you can do is safeguard your child and do not have the baby in his care... not until he has proven that he is safe and trustworty. And I think you're a long way off from that. Until he takes ownership over his actions, he's nowhere near getting help.
Look after you. Look after your baby.
You can't care what his family thinks. It's easier said than done, I know! Don't let his bad behaviour and blame game get in the way of your ability to look after you and your little one. 💐
Do you have supportive family? And are your finances ok-ish?

Original poster

Sparkleyd · 04/08/2022 09:48

Wow thanks for the replies @Aquamarine1029 @KindergartenKop @LizzieMacQueen @liveforsummer sorry don’t know if I have tagged everyone.

Its so strange to hear it as the one time I suggested he drank too much he calmly poured the remainder of the glass away and said ‘no worries I don’t need more.’ I thought it was all under control.

i noticed in the summer term that his mood changed a lot… v moody, paranoid and distant. Could that be linked?

im actually happier without him now he’s moved out which has really surprised me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparkleyd · 04/08/2022 09:50

@TheVanguardSix i can’t stop thinking about what his dad said I found it v v upsetting. I don’t even drink much so I’m hardly a bad influence on him. I know I need to ignore it but I can’t believe he even suggested I he caused him to almost lose his job. Very hurtful. My parents have given me 10k due to what’s happened. Huge help.

OP posts:

MadeiraMDear · 04/08/2022 09:52

People get very hung up about the ‘alcoholic’ label,. Does it matter what you or anyone else call him?

Can he control his drinking?
Clearly not.

Does his drinking cause problems in his life?
Yes, huge problems. He is at risk of losing his job, family and friends are concerned, his partner is asking people on the internet for advice.

Does his drinking harm others in his life? Yes, huge emotional harm and worry to family. Drink driving is taking it to another level where he could kill someone.

This is alcoholism, whatever you or he choose to call it.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 04/08/2022 09:54

I'm assuming that the suspension at work isn't related to the drink driving case?

liveforsummer · 04/08/2022 09:57

His Irene's are it's making excuses for him in the same way he is as they don't want to recognise the person they brought up has done this. People are always looking for so or else to blame and none more than an addict (and often the close family of one). You did not ask or encourage him to drink then get in the car which everyone knows is a poor and dangerous choice. He made it anyway and that's on him and him only

ItsMutinyontheBunty · 04/08/2022 10:00

Can you reframe it as “dependent on alcohol”? How does that sit with you? His drinking is having a huge impact on all areas of his life. My STXH has an alcohol problem. Not affected his work…yet. It becomes their priority over everything else. He stopped drinking for a year one time. Live was much better, we were happier, less rows, more sex (he was awake past 9 on a weekend!). I thought he had it under control. He didn’t. When he started again, it escalated quickly. He was at the point where he didn’t get to the bathroom before urinating 🤢
Your OH, has a problem, but you can’t persuade someone to admit to it.
Several months after STBXH left, I’m still revelling in him not being here. The stress of living with someone who has an alcohol dependency cannot be underestimated. It’s like a cloud has lifted. You’ll realise in time you’re far better off without him, however tough single parenting might be at times. It does get easier.

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