Third baby vs career timing

[Goostacean]

Long story short, I’ve wanted another baby since our second was born 2.5y ago. DH wasn’t keen, and I finally accepted the MN trope that whoever wants the fewest children gets their way. I’m not happy at work but my company has great maternity benefits, I have established relationships there etc.

I’ve started applying for new jobs, take really conscious pleasure in my existing (happy, healthy) children, started to prioritise my own health and appearance. Reading books about female career progression, how to step up in my role. Moving on past the sleepless nights and the baby stage, trying to enjoy the things we can do with slightly older children and be grateful for what I’ve got.

And now DH has announced that maybe I should stop my contraception ahead of our holiday this month (we’ve conceived abroad both times so far), and he’s up for another!

Not sure what to do at this stage, I had just started to accept the situation and now this curveball. There’s never a good time for a baby, and if I look forward 20y I’d love three young adults in the family. But I also look ahead and see exciting opportunities for me, aside from being a mother, and it feels like I’ll never get there if I take another 2ys on pregnancy and Mat leave. I’m in my early 30s currently. Any thoughts?

Bit annoying of your DH but it is what it is.

You have another 35 years to focus on your career.

Have the baby

Hmm. Succinct and accurate, I suppose.

Do you have to take a long maternity leave?

I took very short maternity leaves after all three. Shortest was after 3rd (4 weeks post CS). Probably too short but there were career reasons for me not to be away for too long.

Our situation was different in that we made the decision that DH would become SAHP.

I am guessing that your DH becoming SAHP isn't an option but is a nanny a viable option?

My DCs are now adults. I have never regretted having 3. It's difficult to know if it has damaged my career. Probably no worse than any woman's career is damaged by having children (1 or 10!)

No, DH would never consider being a SAHD but a nanny is an option- would need to do the maths. I could definitely take a shorter leave, but I really loved Mat leave and wouldn’t want to cut it shorter than 8-9m tbh.

Having full time childcare (in the form of a SAHP for us) meant that we were always covered for all the minor problems caused by having small DCs: sickness, long school holidays, short school days, training days, play dates etc etc

A nanny could help with all of that.

The biggest barrier to career progression I experienced was the assumption that as the mother I would be the one picking up the slack. It took a long time for people (senior managers) to realise that I wouldnt be rushing away if DCs were a bit poorly, even if my male colleagues were applauded for doing so. The underlying assumption is that when a man becomes a parent that he is more committed to his career but a woman becoming a parent is less committed. He will be offered career progressing opportunities, it will be assumed she isnt interested.

Reliable childcare is key.

If you want another baby it is worth trying...
You said you are early thirties, you have a long time left in your career and therefore still time to progress if that's what you want to do. Enjoy mat leave too...

Thanks, I think these are all valid points! DH is being coy again now so goodness knows what he’s really thinking, he’s not the most communicative with things like this, frustratingly. At least I’m largely clear where I stand on it… I think?!

ive been on mat leave this year but hated my job and pretty much went back after covid and decided a baby was a good idea (to escape)! It was a great decision, genuinely had the best year of my life but I feel like it’s really been added to the whole time by knowing everyone else at my work is stuck there while I’m free. You sound like you actually like your work so it’s not the same for you. If you actually zoom out from your life, your house, where you live and look down on life outwardly.. work is literally a made up thing that humans have created in order to exchange these little tokens for things they want. If you dropped dead at work, they’d have your job advertised by the end of the week. I’ve been off all year and was really close to everyone at work but have heard from one single person! Work is fake, it’s all temporary and false. Family is forever, have the baby (if you still want it)!

That’s so true. I don’t hate my job, but I’m really tired of it by now and wanted to switch things up, but the role I’ve applied for would be a lot more demanding than my current role… So I was excited for the step up, but it feels like madness to try and get pregnant before that. But the sooner the better, family-wise…

@Goostacean what did you decide??

Ha, well, I got the job! And jumped ship without a second thought, tbh. We’re on the last night of that holiday I mentioned in my OP…

DH was a bit thrown by my sudden change of heart (ie focus on job, and sudden loss of interest in a baby). At that stage I asked if he wanted to try for another - which would realistically have entailed me pulling out of a verbally accepted job offer, never a good look - and he did he “just wanted the option”. Which wasn’t enough for me to turn down the role, obviously. How many years can I wait in a job where I’m frustrated, on the off-chance he makes up his mind?

The holiday has been amazing, kids are old enough to be much more manageable etc. Eldest is starting school. And ultimately we can still try in 6m+ once I’m settled into the new role, if we decide we want to.

I hope it’s the right decision!

Congratulations op! Glad you've enjoyed your holiday, too.

Thanks. Also, the gap I’d wanted (2.5h) has well and truly passed anyway. We’ll see what the future holds!

OP have you decided about the third baby yet? Keen to know where you got to!!

Hi, well, still debating! Think we might go for it next month or the month after actually. I’ve settled into my new job, which is fantastic. But still want the baby. Husband agreed at Easter and suddenly decided we should crack on asap… and I’m now reluctant because a) I want my due date after my big annual report is due! And b) current DC really are easy now… So no real answer yet!

Came back to say I’m now pregnant but not even a full 4 weeks yet. Feeling currently like it has 100% been the right decision- but time will tell!

Ah congrats! I'm a few months into being back at work after number 3 and very happy with my decision. Hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

I’m really glad. Thanks!