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Original poster

Second hand gifts for DD

51 replies

JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 20:23

I’ve recently had a newborn. Even before and after the birth, MIL has been buying second hand only gifts and items for my DD. This includes clothes. I don’t know if I’m right to be upset? Everything has been from charity shops or second hand.

We pretty much don’t get anything unless it’s from a charity shop with no tab on. Or if we do it would be the cheapest option out of a branded item or under £5.

Never ever bought it up with her as I don’t want to upset her but I really hoped she could buy her GD something nice. It’s disheartening when I try to make the effort for her birthdays and Christmas to actually buy her a present I think she would love from a shop.

Am I being totally stupid? Sad other grandchildren have had items bought for them.

OP posts:
helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 01/08/2022 21:30

Can you ask her to store it at her house?

She's probably lost sight of how much she's bought and if it's at her house she's more likely to realise

SatinHeart · 01/08/2022 21:30

That's what I thought but I'm being given stuff for 18-24 months old and she's only 4 weeks old!

My MIL does this. She is actually a pretty dedicated charity shop bargain hunter and her mantra is "you have to get things when you see them!". We've had some absolute gems that she's found, some tat and everything in between. We've used nearly all of it tbh.

My rule (created after she tried to hand over some age 7 dungarees for my then 2 year old) is if it's over 6 months too big she has to keep it at her house until it's closer to the right size. Works surprisingly well.

But it's a bit U and a maybe also a bit pfb to have a blanket objection to second hand baby stuff. For the older generation, clothes and toys were a lot more expensive new than they are now so it would be totally normal to have mostly second hand stuff given to you.

Spudina · 01/08/2022 21:31

YANBU. If she has brought brand new for her other grandkids and is buying lots of oversized tat for your child that’s being done deliberately. Just ask her to stop and say you don’t have anywhere to store it.
I was fortunate to be given loads of baby stuff from friends and family who had finished having kids and it was really helpful and better for the environment. But that was mixed in with a few brand new things as gifts. Balance is good.

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SatinHeart · 01/08/2022 21:34

You can try and channel her energy int items that might actually be useful by getting her to 'look out' for particular items like puddle suits and wellies. I've had some success with this.

Also with little babies, you can always say they had a poonami on whatever you don't want, them get rid.

SatinHeart · 01/08/2022 21:37

Perhaps MIL is assuming that the new items bought for other GC will be passed down to you when outgrown. My MIL assumed DHs siblings were doing this for us (they weren't)

Original poster
JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 21:40

helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 01/08/2022 21:30

Can you ask her to store it at her house?

She's probably lost sight of how much she's bought and if it's at her house she's more likely to realise

I will start to ask! She's bought her toddler reins also!

Yes other GC I think had new.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 21:40

SatinHeart · 01/08/2022 21:37

Perhaps MIL is assuming that the new items bought for other GC will be passed down to you when outgrown. My MIL assumed DHs siblings were doing this for us (they weren't)

Nothing has been passed to us at all.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/08/2022 21:41

I'm on your side. I don't mind things from charity shops at all but if it was my grandchild and they were newborn then I would want to get something new for them. If I was in your position, receiving gifts, I'd want to think that somebody thought when they saw the gift that it was perfect for the baby. That is not the case if it wouldn't fit them!

Original poster
JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 21:43

Thanks @HollowTalk

She bought us a fluffy snowsuit which looks a bit haggard, and has also bought toys. I understand it's good to recycle I just feel my newborn is worth at least a couple of new toys.

She has recycled items she has bought and didn't like and then wrapped up for me for Xmas.

OP posts:
WombaMaPonga · 01/08/2022 21:43

TBF toddler reins are brilliant

Original poster
JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 21:45

Yeah I am really chuffed with them @WombaMaPonga however she's just 4 weeks. We only live in a small terraced house so struggling to put these items anywhere until she's actually if she Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 01/08/2022 21:45

Of age*

OP posts:
lrosey · 01/08/2022 21:49

If it’s the right season for when your daughter will be 18-24 months, e.g. not a winter coat if it’ll be summer when she’s that size, then I wouldn’t complain. It saves you money in the future. I was thankful when my son grew a size and I had a few bits stored already. Get some vacuum bags to store them, they’re fab and you can condense so much into them!

Belephant · 01/08/2022 21:53

I love how my mum buys loads of second hand bargains for my baby. It's better for the environment, she can buy more stuff than she could if it were new so it means I literally don't worry about buying anything. I also got toddler reins hand-me-down before my baby was even born! Just bung it all in a cupboard and forget until the times comes you need it.

I also have a small house so I do understand it feels manic and cluttered - but that's pretty much just how it is when you have a baby.

Believe me, I'm very grateful my mum had the foresight to buy loads of second hand stuff in the 1-2 age range, even though it seemed a bit previous at the time. My baby was born average size though very tall. He struggled with weight for ages so we were in newborn size for well over a month, nearly two.

He's now nearly 9 months old and we're in mostly 18-24 month clothes! So yeah. You never know what you'll need - until you need it!

The textile industry is one of the worst offenders when it comes to the planet. I'm glad not to cause any unnecessary impact!

I also think it means a lot more that my mum spends time hunting down items for me. Anyone can walk into a shop and find something "perfect" in about 30 seconds. Finding something second hand takes a lot more time and effort, and I think it shows more care.

Pamlar · 01/08/2022 21:54

I agree with you op. Esp if other gc got new stuff.
I would redonate anything you don't like, need or isn't in good enough condition. Only keep the things you actually like.
Def spend less on the presents you buy for her and next time she turns up with a haul of stuff, be firm that these will need to be stored at her home since you have no room.
Hopefully she will get the message

Iwonder08 · 01/08/2022 22:07

As a parent you make a decision if you buy something second hand for your child. Family and friends 'gifting' second hand is not OK. The whole point of buying presents is to treat someone with something nice(r). I would get your DH to tell his mother to stop buying things all together.

00100001 · 01/08/2022 22:33

Iwonder08 · 01/08/2022 22:07

As a parent you make a decision if you buy something second hand for your child. Family and friends 'gifting' second hand is not OK. The whole point of buying presents is to treat someone with something nice(r). I would get your DH to tell his mother to stop buying things all together.

Nonsense. It's fine to buy second hand as gifts.

Why wouldn't you? I got my nephew a pretty much unworn Nike hoodie for £3.50 for his 13th. He was made up, didn't care about it being second hand. Made no difference in how much he liked it, what he thought of me, how our relationship was after etc.

romdowa · 01/08/2022 22:36

I have no issues with second hand things, as long as they are in good condition. A friend bought my ds presents from the charity shops and they were dirty and broken. Minute she left they went in the bin. I now tell her not to buy him anything as he has loads.

Holidayworries · 02/08/2022 11:16

I'd rather have second hand than new, given the environmental impact. It's not an insult to you or your baby. Baby clothes are tiny - can you not just put them in a suitcase until they are the right age?

SpinMeRightRoundBabyRightRound · 02/08/2022 11:25

YANBU
Someone turned up with 3 bin bags full of clothes of all sizes and condition when DS1 was born. It felt like they couldn’t be bothered to sort them out themselves to see what was suitable but wanted to seem generous so they passed the job over to me. I had a difficult birth, breastfeeding wasn’t going well, DS only slept for about 20 minutes at a time because of reflux and we had a small house so they went straight to the charity shop.

It was years ago and I still haven’t forgotten Wink

Redebs · 14/12/2022 06:03

I know it's a Good thing, but I have never been ok with second hand clothes. If you don't want them, your husband is the one to tell her. Absolutely make it clear.

Tiredallofthetime · 14/12/2022 06:11

Honestly, I have better things to do in life than organise storage for things I might need two years down the line.

We have a similar problem with our PILs. They are actually lovely people, but DS has two cousins five and eight years older than him who are just outgrowing toys now and they are being given to us. But they are not right for DS at this time and they were starting to take over the house. I got tough this summer and took some to the charity shop and some I threw away.

I don’t mind second hand but my house is not a dumping ground.

Plus the ‘you’ll be grateful when …’ well, you can’t know that. Tastes differ, times of year can mean some things aren’t always practical - I bought an absolutely beautiful snowsuit for a then unborn DS, it is 0-3 months, I won’t be able to use it for next baby as am due midsummer.

It is beyond depressing when your house is bursting with stuff and yet more is piled upon you.

Longwhiskers · 14/12/2022 06:35

I know how you feel OP. when my daughter was born my mum turned up with a bag of clothes she’d got from the thrift shop. Normally I love a charity shop rummage and the stuff was mostly fine but clearly worn and bobbled. In comparison my aunt who I rarely see sent a beautiful outfit from Jojo Maman etc. The next time I saw my mum she produced a bag of stuff she’d raided from a skip from a house clearance. Clothes from the 90s etc. And expected me to be really grateful. I laugh now but it was a bit hurtful - other grandparents even do the big spends like cot or pram. Mine have never done anything like that and they’re well off.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/12/2022 11:35

Where are people storing all these suitcases full of baby clothes?! Great if you have a massive house but mine is a balancing act of careful storage on a daily basis. I absolutely despise stuff everywhere - a storage box on top of a wardrobe would be seriously unpleasant to the eye for me. Maybe a rattan one or something. But not just random boxes of stuff everywhere because someone enjoys buying clothes two years to big for my baby.

I actually have a lovely friend who passes her girls things down to me - all lovely next, jojo etc and I love it, second hand doesn’t bother me at all. But it’s all washed pressed and in lidded good quality boxes when she gives it me. Not bin bags to shove in a corner gathering dust. And they go in my mums loft until I need them!

Blueeyedgirl21 · 14/12/2022 11:39

@Belephant not every house with a baby in has to be manic and cluttered. Also I get your point of not knowing when you’ll need things but I was given loads of summer 3-6 months stuff for my June born dd. Apparently she’d be in 0-3 months for ‘five minutes’ and I’d be grateful of it all. Well she’s still in 0-3 in some stuff now and we’ve bought a load of winter 3-6 stuff or she’d be in cotton dresses in -4 weather. Despite MIL saying to put tights under the shorts and t shirt sets she bought her with ‘summer days’ written on the front, no thanks I’ll put her in season appropriate clothes thanks

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