Afraid I'm going to end up bitter and alone

[Chocomelanie]

I am early 40's and not enjoying life at the moment and wondering if I ever will again! I am single, no kids, I came out of a 2 year relationship about a year ago which ended badly as in we had a big fight and then he cut off all communication with me and went straight back on the dating apps with in a couple of weeks. I thought we might sort things out but its been a year now and I have accepted that he isn't coming back. It was going nowhere anyway as he was reluctant to see me more than once a week even after 2 years.

I did go back on the dating apps in January and I've had a few dates but either I wasn't interested in them or they weren't keen on me. Then a close relative was ill and I was helping with their care and didn't have time for dating. They passed away but I just can't be bothered going back on the apps.

I've always been attractive and enjoyed making the most of myself and getting noticed but in the past few years I can see my looks are fading. I work hard to keep myself in shape but years of sunbathing in my youth are now showing up on my skin and I look awful without make up on, I have quite a lot of lines and pigmentation and terrible eye bags and redness. Even on my body my skin is going all crepy and no amount of moisturising seems to plump it up. I used to look really good in photos but now I just don't no matter what I do, I've just lost it.

I feel like everything is going down hill quite rapidly, my mood is not great and i often feel very angry, irritable and bitter about things. I feel jealous of other women I know who things have worked out better for either they have nice husbands and families or even just nice husbands, some of them don't have to work, have nice houses, some of them just haven't aged at all and still look amazing even if they are older than me. I was horrible to my SIL last week as we were at a friends house and this guy a friend of my brothers who usually tries to flirt with me was buzzing round her instead, I'm not interested in this guy (and neither is she) but I felt jealous that it was her not me who got his attention and she is 4 years older than me but looks much younger.

I do have a full life, my own flat, I do a lot of keep fit, I have a lot of friends and I'm a really involved with my neices and nephews. I see a lot of my parents which is nice sometimes but they also drive me up the wall at times and sometimes when I'm stuck in watching tv with my elderly mum on a saturday night I feel like crying. At work I used to fit in with a young single crowd and we'd go out at weekends most months but now I'm never invited anymore and instead I seem to have aged into the older women without partners group. I do like them and sometimes at weekends we'll meet up for lunch or do something together but most of them are late 40's - 50's and I feel depressed to think that is my future as most of them have completely given up on finding love or a relationship.

I had an aunt who never married, she had been asked a couple of times when she was younger but for some reason never wanted to, perhaps my gran wanted her to stay at home for her or something. By the time she was in her late 40's she was very bitter always going on about how she had lost her looks. She was often quite angry and even attention seeking which drove people away from her and she ended up very lonely and died quite suddenly in her mid 50's. I think I have an underlying fear that I'll end up like her, bitter and alone.

No one can make you feel happy if you're constantly fretting about what may have been. You're single with your own flat and people who could be friends.

If you had a partner it could be better it could be so much worse. Perhaps you need to talk with someone about the positives in your life rather than fret about what life could have been like. I may have married a millionaire or lived in a mansion or been a famous actress, but I didn't, this is my life it may not be exciting but I make the best of it and enjoy it.

You'll only end up like your aunt if that's how you see yourself. Try to live your life enjoying what you have.

You can always get face work done just don't overdo it. I get dermal fillers done but only 1ml. Strictly speaking I should have 1.5ml done bit it is too pricey. It still makes a difference though do is worth it.

I find very few men if any are worth bothering with and now my ds is nearly 18 I much prefer peace and quiet and me time. I am never bored.

@BigFatLiar I do feel that I do try to be postive about things that I do have my friends and my flat, my job and my health but then the feelings of anger and irritation come anyway even when I'm focused on the positive.

@Lightning020 I do keep looking at getting face work done but I'm nervous about it. I've had a few friends have botox or filler and regret it and I think the people who I know who look best don't have anything done but then they probably just have better genetics than me and have stayed out of the sun.

I do know what you mean about men, I hate to say it but I think any guy around my age who is a good catch is probably looking more for a woman in her 30's unless your an outlier in terms of looking especially good for your age. I do know some good guys but most of them paired off in their 20's and at this stage its slim pickings, my other single friends say the same not to mention my older single friends who are just done with men now at 50+. I just feel sad about it as even though I do have lots of friends and family my weekends can be very quiet as everyone is busy with family or partners. I'd like someone to go out to dinner with, someone who prioritises me, someone to travel with, its probably too late for kids which I'm ok with but I don't want to be alone.

Do they still have dating agencies around anywhere? Back in the day that was what people did. I recall Drawing down the Moon being a good one. Though never used it.

All my single friends are out every night partying! They have amazing social lives and I am jealous that I go home to DH everyday!

Nothing in life is permanent. There are no guarantees. You could certainly settle with someone for companionship if you want?

Know though that 1/4 of the population is now single- you are not alone!

I came out of an almost five-year relationship last year, I'm heading for late 40s now, but feel like you do at times - I'm just not getting enjoyment out of much, feel like I haven't really bounced back and feel anxious and edgy at times. Feel free to PM me.

I know it’s said a lot but I read perimenopause in your post. It can make you feel low and demotivated and, basically, old. So I’d maybe look into HRT.

Mid forties is a funny time, it becomes non negotiable that you’re not young. People at work were born in 1994. You look back with some regrets. But everyone has that. Did I marry the right man/why didn’t I have more kids/did I choose the right career/did I make the right financial decisions. No one is exempt. We just all have different regrets. They say as you get to 50 and beyond you find it easier to count your blessings, as you get closer to the end of your life than the beginning, especially if you can keep your health.

Comparison is the thief of joy and will indeed make you bitter.

Any potential partners will also be older, it’s not all about looks.

@Mindthegob your first line isn't helpful surely?! If it's that boring having a husband, you would surely just leave him? You have a choice which OP does not at present.

I find this topic really interesting - because I have lived through some of it.

I am early 50s and I would say @Chocomelanie that early 40s is still young, and you probably need to invest in some self care. How can you look after yourself in terms of diet, skin care, exercise, relaxation.

I think transitions are hard - but in 10 years time you will realise how young you were.

I have more to say - about my own situation and how I can completely relate to that feeling of it being all over (which in my case I think it is - in terms of meeting someone - I am divorced and have been on my own for a long time), but I am too tired now and will come back tomorrow.

All I would also say, OP, is that you never know who might be around the corner, In the meantime maybe it's about taking a metaphorical break and looking after yourself.

@Mindthegob All my single friends are out every night partying! They have amazing social lives and I am jealous that I go home to DH everyday!

They may be jealous that you go home to a stable family life.

@Questionaboutjoboffer I am early 50s and I would say @Chocomelanie that early 40s is still young

I'm older than that and still young😁

Finding a long term partner/partner for life is a matter and also of being willing compromise (both of you). Our friendship group has several life long single males. Online dating wasn't a thing then so it was even more difficult to meet someone at that time it was mail (dateline) and even with that they found the going tough. They gave up even earlier than 40 and settled to enjoy their life. A couple of them still regret not marrying but such is life.

life is a matter

life is a matter of luck

@Scotcousin I appreciate that you posted you feel similar to me. often everyone seems to be working very hard at putting their best foot forward and so do I but sometimes I just want to admit to how hard and joyless it is at times without being made to feel a freak.

@Questionaboutjoboffer It would be interesting to hear more of your experiances and how you feel now. I don't quite feel like I have no chance to meet someone but it feels like if I don't do it in the next few years I will have missed my chance. I don't much feel like doing it at the moment due to poor experiences with online dating and men but how else do you do it? I do need to just focus on myself for a bit but then I feel like I'm wasting precious time. I do do skincare, good diet, exercise but I'm not as good at relaxing and I sometimes drink too much (only socially, I don't drink alone) so those are things I could work on.

@TheOGCCL I have thought about the perimenopause but I feel so depressed to think that I'm already getting to menopause that I just can't face it. I also still have regular periods and I don't have hot flushes or anything just mood issues and I do thinkt hat is more to do with feeling like I missed my chance at at relationship / family and facing old age alone. My aunt told me once that no man truly loves a post menopausal woman because its her fertility that makes him prize her above all else on some deep primal level. I know it not true but it still sneaks into my brain when I think about the menopause. I do understand that we all have regrets and that its pointless to compare yourself to others but having a relationship seems like something others find so easy, some women have good men just fall into their lap.

@Mindthegob Its easy to see only the fun parts of being single, going out and having the freedom to do whatever at short notice but as you get older and people have partners and kids to consider then you are either alone, playing gooseberry to other couples or stuck with elderly parents for company. My parents are mid 70's and they won't be around forever. I can't bear to think about it but then I also worry that I'll end up doing the majority of the caring if they need it because everyone else has other responsibilities to kids or spouses.

I don't want to settle, I'm not looking for perfection but I want someone equal to me at least, someone I am attracted to. If I were a male I'd probably be able to date / marry younger, it would be more socially acceptable and the question of children wouldn't be such a problem. A few women I know have dated younger but it doesn't tend to work out well long term as the fact of being at different life stages and issue of kids becomes problematic.

@BigFatLiar I know luck comes into it a lot. I often wish I had gone to university as I feel like a lot of the women I know with good men met them at uni. I think as you get older you do get a bit more set in your ways or at least you like to do things your way and that you perhaps lose a bit of the flexability you had as a younger person, being perpared to put up with someone elses habits.

Both my parents found love in their 50s, around 10 years after divorcing. (My Dad with someone 5 years his senior, before you start thinking "younger model")

You've had relationships before, you'll have them in the future.

And you seem very down on yourself about your looks. I'm sure you're being way more critical about yourself than any future partner would be, it always seems to be the prettiest people who struggle most to cope with getting older.

It's also the case that looks aren't the be all and end all when finding a partner, if they were then 50% of the population would be forever single