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Original poster

Help deciding what to do re children/this relationship

23 replies

namechange1237 · 01/08/2022 11:28

Grateful for impartial, strangers thoughts.

I am almost 36, in a committed, long term loving relationship. I have fertility issues that means I have a lot less eggs left than I should/most women do at my age. Upon finding this out, I froze some eggs last year (but poor responder so only managed 5 eggs in total across a few cycles) so I have a few eggs there as a back up already but that's really plan C. No guarantees that they'll be any good when I come to use them.

There is no way for knowing for sure when I'll go in to menopause etc but it's likely to be sooner than most women. In my head I feel like it could be any time over the next couple of years..

We have been trying naturally for children for around 4 months or so. My partner is not willing to start IVF for now (let's leave aside the reasons as it's kind of irrelevant). He might change his mind in future. We have not reached an agreement as to when.

There is no reason (that we know of!) why I could not get pregnant naturally as it only takes one egg and I'm still ovulating. Partner has been for sperm analysis at my insistence and all was good.

I'm feeling quite stressed and unsure what to do for the best. If my partner does not change his mind about IVF (which I know, is no guarantee of a baby, but then at least we'd gain more information and know if it's likely or not) then I have to decide if I should end the relationship and start again or just keep trying naturally. I feel like we haven't given it enough time naturally perhaps but then am I wasting time if at the end of, say, another 6 months, he is still not on board with IVF and I choose then to leave and try to start again with someone else. If I have to start again who knows if I'll be able to have a baby by the time I meet someone else I'm ready to have children with?

I've tried not to give too much info as I feel like it's kind of irrelevant, but I guess the choice is (worst case scenario) - stay with my partner and try naturally and hope it happens or leave and hope to meet someone who is going to do everything, including IVF to try to have a family. Let's assume my partner now never changes his mind about IVF. What would you do? :(

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1237 · 01/08/2022 21:07

Bump

OP posts:
reoyl · 01/08/2022 21:11

@namechange1237 it seems strange your partner doesn’t want to do IVF? If you definitely want children then I would pursue that either in a relationship or with a donor. I think it’s relevant why he’s reluctant?

Eslteacher06 · 01/08/2022 21:14

You're treating your partner as a commodity!!

You're way too focused on getting pregnant.

You know once you have the baby, that's the real test in a relationship? So if you think this poorly of him now, then cut your losses as it's not fair on the child you are trying to bring into this world!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Menopause Women's health
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2022 21:14

The reason he won't try IVF is very relevant. If it meant that it would ruin you financially, I could appreciate that, any other reason and I'd be questioning his motives and intentions. Does he want a baby or not?

Eslteacher06 · 01/08/2022 21:14

Personally, break up with the partner and go it alone.

Cloverforever · 01/08/2022 21:15

If you've been together a long time, why leave it until 4 months ago to start trying?

reoyl · 01/08/2022 21:27

Eslteacher06 · 01/08/2022 21:14

You're treating your partner as a commodity!!

You're way too focused on getting pregnant.

You know once you have the baby, that's the real test in a relationship? So if you think this poorly of him now, then cut your losses as it's not fair on the child you are trying to bring into this world!

@Eslteacher06 treating him as a commodity?

What a strange interpretation of OP’s post.

Whataretheodds · 01/08/2022 21:29

The reason he doesn't want IVF might well be relevant...

Eslteacher06 · 01/08/2022 21:37

@reoyl

She is willing to break up her long term relationship for this. If her partner had said they do not want children, then I would understand breaking the relationship. But they did not say that. She is focusing too much on the process. And is it that easy to find another suitable partner to procreate with in time? Cause the hard part is after the pregnancy. If she's hell bent on having a baby, without considering her partner, she should do it with a sperm doner

Kpo58 · 01/08/2022 21:39

Maybe wait for 1.5-2 years before trying IVF 4 months isn't a long time to have been trying for a baby. It takes many people over a year to fall pregnant.

Eslteacher06 · 01/08/2022 21:39

And she's been trying for four months. Even with perfect fertility, at her age, it can take years.

I had kids after 35 incase anyone is wondering

Original poster
namechange1237 · 01/08/2022 23:53

Yes I think pp have hit the nail on the head...there's not as much of a desire to have children from him as there is from me... I was avoiding saying that because I'm trying to get opinions specifically on the idea of "stay with a man who will only try naturally" or "end a good relationship to pursue a child with someone who'll do anything to make it happen"

He's happy if it happens naturally but not keen enough to do everything possible to make it happen

To the poster who said 1.5-2 years of trying, I def don't have that much time. Even without known fertility issues you're supposed to go to doc after 6 months of trying if you're over 35...and I've got known issues 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1237 · 01/08/2022 23:55

Cloverforever · 01/08/2022 21:15

If you've been together a long time, why leave it until 4 months ago to start trying?

various reasons but largely waiting for him to be on board - the fertility issues found out last year kick started things though..

OP posts:
Bigwetdog · 02/08/2022 00:01

'Happy if it happens naturally but not keen enough to do everything possible to make it happen.'

Does he know about your fertility issues? I assume so. If egg freezing was recent I assume you were with him at the time?

I think if he knows you'll struggle to get pregnant and wont consider IVF maybe he doesn't want kids with you and this is an easy get out for him?

Unless he expressly said why he's against IVF?

Snugglemonkey · 02/08/2022 00:10

His reluctance has already cost you dearly. He does not really want children and you really do. I am so sorry you find yourself in this difficult position but I think this relationship is over. Is he worth giving up on being a mummy?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2022 00:38

Your partner doesn't care about having children, and I'd bet he's hoping you're infertile. He's going to string you along until you're all out of options. Sorry, op. He is not a man you should be wasting time with.

Circleofshells · 02/08/2022 01:07

namechange1237 · 01/08/2022 11:28

Grateful for impartial, strangers thoughts.

I am almost 36, in a committed, long term loving relationship. I have fertility issues that means I have a lot less eggs left than I should/most women do at my age. Upon finding this out, I froze some eggs last year (but poor responder so only managed 5 eggs in total across a few cycles) so I have a few eggs there as a back up already but that's really plan C. No guarantees that they'll be any good when I come to use them.

There is no way for knowing for sure when I'll go in to menopause etc but it's likely to be sooner than most women. In my head I feel like it could be any time over the next couple of years..

We have been trying naturally for children for around 4 months or so. My partner is not willing to start IVF for now (let's leave aside the reasons as it's kind of irrelevant). He might change his mind in future. We have not reached an agreement as to when.

There is no reason (that we know of!) why I could not get pregnant naturally as it only takes one egg and I'm still ovulating. Partner has been for sperm analysis at my insistence and all was good.

I'm feeling quite stressed and unsure what to do for the best. If my partner does not change his mind about IVF (which I know, is no guarantee of a baby, but then at least we'd gain more information and know if it's likely or not) then I have to decide if I should end the relationship and start again or just keep trying naturally. I feel like we haven't given it enough time naturally perhaps but then am I wasting time if at the end of, say, another 6 months, he is still not on board with IVF and I choose then to leave and try to start again with someone else. If I have to start again who knows if I'll be able to have a baby by the time I meet someone else I'm ready to have children with?

I've tried not to give too much info as I feel like it's kind of irrelevant, but I guess the choice is (worst case scenario) - stay with my partner and try naturally and hope it happens or leave and hope to meet someone who is going to do everything, including IVF to try to have a family. Let's assume my partner now never changes his mind about IVF. What would you do? :(

TIA

okay @namechange1237 there’s all sorts of emotional/ relationship advice I could offer, maybe his reticence is cause for concern but, putting that aside for a moment and assuming this is a stable relationship you definitely want to have a child within- have you tried using Mira ovulation kit? I was trying for ages but got pregnant in two-three cycles with that. It’s very precise I found. It also helps you to feel more in control of the whole process. If say you’re only ovulating every second cycle you should be able to see that by your hormone readings. You should be able to figure out the best days to try too.
It will help you to feel less intense about it all as well hopefully- knowledge is power

LocalHobo · 02/08/2022 01:28

If she's hell bent on having a baby, without considering her partner, she should do it with a sperm doner
It does seem what you want is a baby and this is the overriding priority. Look at the example of piss poor fathers on here. If leaving your partner over conception choices would cause you very little emotional upset it would suggest he is not 'the one'.

theChickenDinner · 02/08/2022 01:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 02/08/2022 07:07

If you haven't got time to wait 18m to 2 years with him, you're talking about leaving, finding someone else and deliberately getting pregnant in that timescale. How could you possibly know someone well enough, and they you, to commit to parenthood in that time? I think your dilemma is stay with him and accept you may not have a child or leave and use a donor. You may subsequently meet a lovely man to be a step dad in time, or you might not but desperately searching for a willing father under a ticking clock is a disaster in the making.

Whataretheodds · 02/08/2022 07:34

I agree that you cannot count on meeting someone else to have children with you. It could happen, but if that's your only option it will put a lot of pressure on the relationship. Empower yourself by working out what would need to be true to do it by yourself.

Eslteacher06 · 02/08/2022 07:43

Bit of a drip feed there OP!

But still, could he be put off with the way you're going about it? Are you having sex on a schedule etc? That can reaaaally take the fun out of it and because you're so focused on it, you may be putting him off. Nothing worse than looking at a massive hill to climb and having someone push you up it.

But if he isn't that bothered and has always been like that, then resentment WILL set in. On both sides. Even if you got pregnant and had a child, will he be fully invested? Will he be there when you are on your knees with absolute sleep exhaustion while you're recovering post partum? When your kid will be on your last nerve having a tantrum? I have a solid relationships, and we both wanted kids, but even mine has been tested since having kids.

Original poster
namechange1237 · 03/08/2022 12:08

thanks for the comments.

I'm not going to have a baby with a sperm donor - I just don't see myself in that position right now. I can't see how I would cope on my own and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with donor sperm right now.. I know people do it but it's not something I want to do myself right now..maybe in a year if I'm almost 37 I'd consider it..

A baby is 100% what I would choose over this relationship if it was a clear cut choice.. but it doesn't feel like it is if he's willing to try naturally? He's just always been more of go with the flow person, if it's meant to be, it will be etc.

I am satisfied that if I got pregnant naturally he would be 100% supportive, on board, pitching in and being a good dad.

It would be easier to decide if it was just a case of "no, I won't try for kids" so it's him or children, but when I'm already in a loving, committed relationship and we've only been trying for 4 months realistically when do I decide to give that up and start again? It's so difficult because it could happen in a few months and that's the drama over with... I guess it's because I'm approaching 36 and that's near the end of the golden "have babies by 35" thing in my head. Although given my fertility issues it's already starting to cut it fine :(

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