Family members dying and how the fuck do I deal with this

[BBJP1989]

How on earth do you deal with a close family member being terminally ill.

We have days or weeks apparently. I'm generally a fully functional normal person. I'm just dealing with this horribly, as in hearing bad news and drinking a bottle of wine immediately.

I've dealt with so many crisis situations but I just can't do this. I just want to block it out.

So hard .... it can feel unreal. Thinking of you and the challenges in front of you. You will get through.

Huge hug.
Try buying mini bottles of wine?
Go for a long walk?
Scream at the sky?
It's just so so sad.

Living with knowing my husband was dying was the hardest thing I have ever faced, I am not sure you ever get over the shock of it all. Anticipatory grief is awful, I found support from places like Marie Curie and our local cancer charity as well as the Stroke Association, is there someone like that you can reach out to?

Focus on what practical things can you do to support the dying person and others in the family. Do they need someone to take on the laundry, cooking, shopping, walking the dog, school run, do the patients friends need lifts in your car to visit the patient, someone to pick up prescriptions, sit with the patient for an hour so someone else gets a break for a walk, a shower, fresh air? Night sitting so others can sleep?

What about adjustments in the house? A bed down stairs, a different bedroom with more space or closer to the bathroom, a table that fits over the bed, better lighting, Help with personal care. Family loan of more bedlinen to cope with more laundry? do they need disability aids (hire, or borrow)

In a year's time, if someone gave you the chance to go back in time to be with your sick family member, would you take it, and how would you make use of that time?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really is horrific to deal with. Alcohol, while understandable, isn't the best choice. It will just make you feel worse in the long run.

I got 13 weeks to get my head around a terminal diagnosis before my dad died. It is one of the worst things I've gone through but I did get through it. You will too.

Try and eat as best you can and make sure you take at least an hour a day to yourself to inwardly digest everything. Even if you're struggling to sleep, make sure you rest.

Just show up and keep showing up. This isn't a time for your feelings, it's a time to be there for your family member & make sure they feel supported and loved. Make sure you're in the hospital or wherever they are to advocate and supervise their care. That's your job until the time comes. Afterwards you can fall apart and put yourself back together. Lots of love, I've been through it twice & it's the most difficult and important job...

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Been through it myself twice. It's like normal life stops for a while. You feel like you can't get on with things or feel normal/happy. It's the most heartbreaking waiting game.

As pp said, keep showing up for your relative and make sure you tell them all you need to. That's so important. Afterwards you will have time to make sense of things and grieve in your own way. But you will feel more at peace knowing that you were there supporting them til the end.

Thank you all so much.

You're all wonderful. I'm trying to do all the things. Visiting, cooking, shopping. I can do that. I'm finding the emotional stuff much harder. They're already gone. It's a parent and I can see that they're already gone. It's just their body here.

I just feel so awful with my other parent. It's a loss for both of us, I feel already bereaved, the other family member still wants to fight. It's an elderly person. They want someone to fight with them and I can't. They're already gone

When I get home I just want to be knocked out and shut off.

I can't imagine losing my life partner, but they're gone.

Like others have said..keep showing up. When you can look at the Marie Curie website..lots of info. You can also 'phone them or webchat. It is tough....but you will get through it.

There are so many questions I wish I had asked my parents while I still could, about their pasts, families, relationships, before I came along. My advise would be to find out everything and anything, as I'm sure your loved ones would love to tell you, and it offers them some escape to remember happier times. Treats for yourself and learning that it's fine to rely on other people are both good for your own endurance. x

You sort off go into auto pilot. I nursed my Mum from diagnosis to passing away in only 3 weeks.

I wished I had talked more about past, gone through photographs, videos etc. I didn't really talk about dying as didn't think she needed reminding off the fact.

But it honestly it happened so fast, she went downhill so quickly and had no interest in anything, Slept a lot. Just be there for them, your grief, anger can be dealt with later.

You've actually hit the nail on the head in your last post OP. I too have been there and it was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done; but the worst bit of all was realising they'd gone weeks before we actually lost them.

Be kind to yourself, don't have any expectations beyond supporting your family member and your own survival. Don't beat yourself up if your house isn't as tidy as normal, or you have a few too many takeaways. And if you feel you need support from the GP for your own well-being don't be afraid to seek that out - whether that means being signed off work to give you some space, or something to help you cope - you need to make sure you're in the best place you can be to get through this. And you will, but it's so so hard.

It is agony. I just couldn't get my head around why if death is a natural part of life it is so hard, and this too was a parent , so the natural circle of life stuff to a large extent. I don't know how people do it when younger people die, or it is an accident or unexpected for other reasons. But they do do it, there is no other choice. Be kind to your self.

When dad was diagnosed I also found the emotional side of it overwhelming. My friend suggested I buy a notebook and write everything I was feeling down as if I was writing letters to my dad. e.g
"Dear dad
Today has been so hard, watching you and being with you, knowing that our time together will soon be gone" "do you remember that day when...." etc.
I found it really helpful as it allowed me to express my grief, fears and anger at what was happening to him, without crumbling in front of others.
I have started another "letters" book now as that friend has just been diagnosed with cancer and, again, it lets me say what I am feeling without making it all about me when I'm with her. IYSWIM