Family members who cancel meet ups for ‘better offers’?

[doctorboo]

When does ‘grey rocking’ get easier?

We have family members that we’ve been slowly grey rocking since before the pandemic, semi accepting that their stance of: “we help those who need it the most”, really means “we will never consider supporting/helping you because you’re not part of the golden child(ren) circle (GCC)”.

This POV over the years has spiderwebbed out into not seeing us/always being busy with other family, and us not being included in serious family news/info. It was horrible always being told they didn’t have time for us.

There has been a Big Situation which we found out from another sibling, not a peep from the main members involved. If the sibling hadn’t said anything then we wouldn’t have a clue!!
I did think it was strange that I suddenly started getting messages about missing our children, wishing they could see them more…all comments framed as “if we’re allowed to see them” 🤔🙄

I offered dates that we’re free, all seemed happy and sorted, and then I got a message which basically means something organised by GCC is happening and “we can always see them there”. I mean… 🤷🏼‍♀️ And that’s that. It wipes me out if I think too much about it

I'm confused.

This post makes no sense.

What's grey rocking ?

They just seen busy people

I get it, @doctorboo
Can i recommend the stately homes threads on the relationships board?

@maddy68 look up the grey rock method.

I don’t think I’m dealing with narcissists, but it’s family that make out we almost refuse to let them see our children but actively don’t involve us in anything and cancel plans to see us when something/someone ‘better’ comes along. It’s more than being busy.

@Solosunrise Thanks I’ll pop over, it’s been a disappointing day.

I have family like this, I get it too. I can’t be arsed with them anymore. They’re not interested in me or my kids, so be it.

I get it too and I am heartily sick of it.

The New Plans have changed and we’re being asked if we can make a trip out with the whole group to somewhere different. It’s being planned as I type.

I‘m disappointed because we’re not even rated or considered enough for a “oh we’re seeing Boo & co that weekend/day what other dates are free?”

DH says we should go because it’ll diffuse the intensity of the update barrage - we/I will be filled in on all the news that we’ve ‘missed’, but we can mingle when it gets too much and the children can all see each other. I feel like he’ll mingle, I’ll get the barrage as everyone else attending knows what’s been going on and has known from the start.

I think I would go the nuclear option "oh so our DC that you have stated you are desperate to see have been dumped by you again, just can't be bothered anymore" then go NC

My Mother had a golden child and then that sisters grandchildren were the golden grandchildren. I am one of six children. We are past small children stage. My Mother died 4 year years ago in her nineties.

Myself and one other sister didn’t dramatically cut her off or anything we just mentally disengaged and didn’t put ourselves out and never expected the kindness and generosity given to the youngest. The other three remained mentally enmeshed with her and always hoping for the affection that was never going to come. When Mother died one sister had a complete breakdown and the other two really struggled to cope at all. When Mother left her entire estate to golden child myself and other sister shrugged our shoulders but the others were very upset.

I could do nothing about how I was not in favour as a child but there was no way I was going to put my children through feeling less because of her. It was easy for other mentally disengaged sis and I because we lived hundreds of miles away.

Tbf I did similar to Adversity.

Just ignored the comments and withdrew more and more far less painful.

I'm so sorry OP that your in laws don't value either their son, you or your family. I'am in a similar position with both my parents and my in laws and I can't deny it's both laughable and hurts my feelings. I wish the golden children were worthy of such hero worshiping whereas all I can see is parents desperate for their GCs attention and GC so wrapped up in their own importance. I too grey rock, I'm polite when needs be and I never join in their mutual admiration or commiserate when they are moaning as they work so hard, (not) much harder than anyone has ever worked and no one has ever been as tired/poorly/ overworked/ unappreciated (delete as applicable) I would go by as far as saying they have a codependent narcissistic relationship. When we visit they deliberately ignore us and talk about in jokes or make arrangements for fun things they are doing as if we weren't there. It's taken a lot of work but I value myself and think they are missing out on a great group with my family but we're not missing much from them.

Sorry for my late reply - I've been meaning to reply to this for a couple of days now!

In answer to your original question - for me it took years and I started to question whether it would ever get easier but it definitely has. I found the following things helped: avoiding mentioning them at all - especially to DH; not telling DC about any plans ahead of time; slowly dropped the rope in terms of organising anything; dropped my FOG (I had to fake it until I made it here) in terms of what we 'should' be doing.