Need some advice - don't know who i am!

[Recomme]

To cut a long story short as I don't want to go into my whole life background / childhood etc

I have really bad social anxiety. I think I had selective mutism as a child which went undiagnosed. I have really low self esteem and confidence. I've recently realised that i've sort of just suppressed myself all my life trying to appease people, not get told off, treading on eggshells, being too anxious to speak etc.

And the result is that I think I don't know who I really am. Who am I? What makes me tick? What am I passionate about? What do I love / hate? What do I value? What makes me, me?

It's as though I've moulded myself and my behaviours and suppressed the "real" me but I don't know who she is or even if she was even there?

I don't know if I'm making any sense but I was wondering where I can start to learn to know myself ( gosh, that sounds so wanky and it's really not meant to!). I was thinking some counseling but can't afford that now. Is there any books or anything that you think that might be useful?

Bump for the evening crowd.

I did this a few years ago after coming out of a very long relationship where everything was his choice and I’d convinced myself it was my choice too. I didn’t even know what music I liked.

I had time to myself. I read. I watched films. I listened to music. I took myself off for the day to museums and beaches etc. Just me, so I could do things I wanted to do without having to worry about anyone else having a good time. I gave new things a go. And once I’d found the confidence to realise the little things I liked, it was easier to start looking at the bigger things. Just start small. I don’t actually like takeaway pizza, I prefer fish & chips. I don’t like horror films, I prefer a murder mystery. I love live comedy, not so fussed about live music. I now know what my passions are and who I am. It hets easier.

Gets easier, even!

TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws
Thank you! I hadn't thought about spending time alone. I'd love to try different things but I can already hear my inner voice telling me I can't do it.

That’s not your inner voice. It’s the memory of all of those people who put you down and made you feel like nothing. It’s drowning out your inner voice but as you get stronger, it will get louder. And you’ll hear it encouraging you.

And you absolutely can do it. Things have already been as bad as they’re going to get. Will they ever get that bad again if you decide to do something new?

I never felt like a proper person until I left my ex-husband. Couldn't form opinions, couldn't make decisions, had no boundaries... like I was a shell with no substance.

I've had therapy, done a lot of work on myself and spent a lot of time by myself. I now know I love hiking, cycling, exploring, walking! Things I was never interested in before and didn't think I could do.

It's really hard but gets easier, there's much more of you waiting to get out. Give it time and try doing different things.

This is me! Long time spent in an unhappy relationship and then battling through a complicated divorce. Also a mum so that can blur a sense of identity too. The advice above sounds good and I am going to act on it myself. I have also reconnected with old friends and leant on people a little more. It helps when memories start getting discussed and you think oh yeah, I used to like that...

I can totally relate to this.

Might it help to do one of those personality tests? By answering a load of random questions you will find out which category of personality you fall into - the teacher, the nurturer, the creator etc and that might help to point you towards things that would work for you.

Some people think the Myers Briggs tests are pointless but for me it has meant I’m more able to understand myself (and my ex at the time) so maybe a good starting point for you.

When you are a child, you are told who you are and what to think. If you had strict parents you might have been told to supress your actual personality to the point you no longer know who you are. You might have even internalised a “parent’s eye view of yourself “oh don’t be so loud and annoying!” Whenever you relax.

I would meditate to relax yourself and see what thoughts or feelings you have. Keep telling yourself that the behaviour you had kept you safe as a child but isn’t you anymore. Then, see yourself on a wonderful journey of exploration. Take time to feel great about it. Go out and try everything you wanted to try. Remind yourself that you might not enjoy everything but that’s OK because you are exploring your soul. Meet new people, try new things, try things that are the opposite of how you had to behave earlier. Write everything down in a journal- what happened and how did you feel.

Try to encourage yourself- eg. If you were cripplingly shy or told to be quiet, massage your throat and say “I give myself permission to talk. I have interesting things to say and people like talking to me”.

Indulge all of your senses, sound, vision, touch, taste, sensation. Go into nature and take some minutes to just be, each day.

Counselling is often really useful in unpicking the past. Maybe you will have some revelations and memories will jump into your mind.

We all have hurtful moments in the past and moments of great joy. Remember you can’t touch the past and no
memory can break you. It can unlock the reasons you feel supressed now.

A friend of mine grew up in a very religious environment and went through similar. Turns out she is warm, intelligent, creative and fun. She is now living the life she enjoys. Good luck OP

Another good tip- either practise talking to yourself or listen to your thoughts. Try having a conversation with yourself. Then try asking yourself questions, making jokes, having a rant, having a polite conversation- try every type of human interaction. Like anything, the more you practice the better you get.

Firstly you have to realise that the voice you hear in your head - that is not you.
Thats just a voice, just noise.
You can learn to quieten that voice or change it. It just takes time and practice and reflection.

our brains and our “inner voice” lie to us a lot, you have to practice looking at your thoughts and determining whether it’s worth giving any credence to the thought or not. Is it true? Says who? What evidence is there that you can’t do XYZ.

It’s ok to have negative thoughts about ourselves, it’s normal. You don’t have to believe them though.

I recommend Pete Walker's books on childhood ptsd. Also the 'crappy childhood fairy' on YouTube.

Have you ever looked into autism?

You have described me in your OP, obviously there is much more to add from my POV but I am autistic and I relate to everything you have said.

Please don't anyone jump on me for raising the possibility. It could fit, or it could be a million miles away from OP, it's just a 'oh have a look' suggestion.