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Original poster

Would you go on a hen do (night out only) if you weren’t invited to the wedding?

50 replies

Galvanisa · 29/07/2022 14:25

Bride is having a small wedding- immediate family both sides (mum, dad, siblings) and then about 5-6 close friends acting as groomsmen/bridesmaids. Wedding is in groom’s home country so there is no evening do option that work colleagues or newer friends can be invited to.

Her bridesmaids still want to give her a hen do, but bride is worried about turn out as many of her extended social circle aren’t invited. Her reasoning is “if i invite x then I need to invite y, and then my parents will think it’s fine to want to invite a and b” and then it’s no longer a small wedding.

Bride has agreed to a hen, but has ordered that any hen night out…

  • must be a night out, not a weekend away to not put pressure on people
  • a dinner or activity at the start for those who may not feel up to a big night out for whatever reason, so they can leave after
  • in the most convenient city for the bulk of invitees (where most of them live- the bride would actually be travelling to them)
  • accessible, no hidden costs, no pressure on people to spend money or chip in for things
Invitees are childless women in twenties who like clubbing and going out and traditional hen do activities. But there is concern about people being affronted about not being invited to the wedding, and then refusing to come.

How would you feel about this?

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 29/07/2022 14:45

I wouldn’t bother. If you’re choosing to get married abroad you’re choosing to exclude people. That’s absolutely fine, but I wouldn’t choose to dance attendance on someone who chose to exclude me from her wedding.

Original poster
Galvanisa · 29/07/2022 14:45

Cantanka · 29/07/2022 14:41

Hmmm. I wouldn’t be offended at being invited along but I probably wouldn’t want to go unless it was a group of people I would go out with anyway. The problem with hen nights out is it can be a really random mix of people and I don’t find it especially relaxing to make small talk with a friend of the bride who I may have nothing in common with. I feel less inclined to make the effort when I’m not invited to the wedding.

I think if you choose a small wedding that’s totally fair enough, and no one should be offended, but you forego the bigger hen do. Why are you so keen to throw her one if she’s reluctant? Why not do something just the bride and bridesmaids?

She would actually love a hen- but her family have been very upset and melodramatic over the tiny wedding (including those invited) so she’s hyper aware of causing upset

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 29/07/2022 14:46

The bride needs to set out expectations early about her weddding and let everyone know that it’s only small so they probably won’t be invited. Then after everyone knows they won’t be invited to the wedding, they can be invited to the hen already knowing. If the hen is only a night out then it should be easy enough with the wedding needing to be booked well before the hen needs to be.

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Weddings
latetothefisting · 29/07/2022 14:47

Friffle · 29/07/2022 14:33

I'd go if I thought it would be a good time, but if I didn't fancy it for any reason I'd just say 'nah, sorry', and wouldn't really worry about her being peeved.

Yes, this. I'd go if I wanted to (which i probably would as it sounds fun) but wouldn't feel the "obligation" you do to go even if you don't really fancy it if you've been invited to the wedding.

Arenanewbie · 29/07/2022 14:48

She sounds really sensible and considerate she has to do a small wedding so keeps hen do simple, very wise.

AndSoFinally · 29/07/2022 14:49

I've been on hen nights without a wedding invite. Usually work colleagues.

Never occurred to me to be offended!

blaadyflies · 29/07/2022 14:49

Is the bride was having a bigger wedding and I wasn't invited then I think I'd be a bit put out but as it's a small wedding then not at all, it's fine

latetothefisting · 29/07/2022 14:50

You will get skewed responses on here because there are a lot of mn ers who consider hen dos to be hell on earth (see also work Christmas parties) but in the real world most people do just like an excuse to see friends and one person getting married is as good a reason for food/drink/dancing (particularly when you can just choose which parts you want to do) as any other.

AllFreeOwls · 29/07/2022 15:03

If the actual wedding is tiny and abroad then a hen do invite but no wedding invite is fine.

It's only an issue when they're having a big wedding locally which you're not invited to.
I once for an invite to a joint "hag do", without a wedding invite, at late notice. They'd booked a bar and needed to make a minimum spend...I was clearly invited to make up the numbers. I declined.

bananaboats · 29/07/2022 16:49

I think the problem could be people will expect to be invited to the wedding if they've been invited to the hen do but as long as everyone is aware of the circumstances I think its fine.

20viona · 29/07/2022 16:52

Yes absolutely

Redcrayons · 29/07/2022 16:54

Under those circumstances then I probably would.

burnoutbabe · 29/07/2022 17:00

as others have said, i have been to them when they have been "work mates night out but also X's hen"

But then its no real different to a work night out, but just females.

If it was a true hen with random people from all over the place, thats different. would depend how many i knew/convience and cost.
also often they get pricy - big group meal with strangers - someone ordering booze/loads of starters "to share" and then saying WE SHALL ALL PAY FOR HEN (who is at the table so can't disagree) then splitting bill.
So anyone just wanting to come along on a budget gets screwed. or avoids going to avoid the situation.
(so a place with set food menu probably easiest for a group who don't know one another?)

WaveyHair · 29/07/2022 17:04

Sounds great- I understand that people see them as family events. Night out with your pals beforehand sounds like a lovely idea.

bowchicawowwow · 29/07/2022 17:12

Depends on the context in which I knew the bride for me. I'd go along if it was a work colleague and there were other friends from work there on an equal footing. I wouldn't be keen if it was a friendship outside of work as I'd feel like a b-lister.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/07/2022 17:14

In those circumstances then yes I'd happily go (and have been to similar in the past).

If the wedding was a 150 person affair and I was one of 40 people invited to some mega-hen in Marbs for Instagram but not to the wedding, then no I wouldn't go.

LadyApplejack · 29/07/2022 17:18

Ordinarily I'd think if I'm wanted on a hen, why wouldn't I be wanted at the actual wedding? At Hens the attendees pay (quite substantially!) for themselves so it does look off when they're then not included in the do the couple pays for!

But this one is clearly a small wedding, everyone knows this, and the hen is also being done on a small, considerate and affordable scale - so I'd treat it like any evening out and go!

LoobyDop · 29/07/2022 17:25

Sounds totally fine to me- those are the criteria I gave my bridesmaids as well, but they absolutely refused to invite anyone who wasn’t coming to the small wedding. I don’t see a problem- in my 20s I went to several hen dos for colleagues whose weddings I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to- just saw them as a fun night out. It would be different if you were being expected to fork out hundreds, but I think the majority of “full” guests resent those as well.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/07/2022 17:25

Ordinarily I wouldn’t go but it’s a small wedding abroad so I’d be happy to go and leave after the meal.

BloodAndFire · 29/07/2022 17:27

I think it is fine.

LoobyDop · 29/07/2022 17:27

But also, I think the thing where everyone else pays for the bride is weird, unnecessary and grabby.

Daisy4569 · 29/07/2022 17:29

I think maybe just rebrand it rather than calling it a hen do? ‘Name’ would love a night out/gathering with her closest before the wedding. Scrap any ‘hen do’ style games, talk of wedding etc, take the pressure off and make it more of a fun night out for everyone

Ponderingwindow · 29/07/2022 17:34

If it basically amounts to a night out with local friends and a larger extended group, why not? It’s not much different than going out on any other random night, this particular outing just happens to have a theme.

bachelorettes invites used to not be quite such a big deal because it was this kind of casual evening out where at most you would chip in for the bride’s dinner and drinks.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/07/2022 17:36

Sounds great.

All hen nights should be like this one. They used to be.

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 11:15

@AshleyLawson Resurrecting a 2 week old thread so you can just casually drop a link in to the apparent amazing hen do you went on?

Righto Hmm

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