‘Birds nesting’ - does anyone do this / would consider it?

[Abirdnest]

Purely hypothetical as am (mostly!) happily married, but have been reading a book where the separated parents ‘birds nest’: their children stay in the house and live with one parent part of the week and the other parent the rest of the week.

I can see it’s more stable for the children but not sure if it would work long term.

So the family run three properties? Because I wouldn't want to spend my time when not in the family home in the same flat or house that my ex had just been in. You'd have no privacy. So I can't see it's affordable for most people.

No, I think that’s why it’s not very popular.

In the book I’m reading, they have just two properties. One family home and then a studio flat the ‘other’ parent lives at.

There was a radio interview with a couple who had done this (radio 2 I think). It seemed like it had worked for them although arrangements had evolved over the years as the children had got older and new partners had come on the scene. They both sounded like reasonable people though where there hadn't been any cheating or abuse within the marriage. I think it would be navigating new partners/any new children that would be the biggest issue.

I know a couple who do this. Three teenagers in the house with their mum all week, but every other weekend, dad moves back in and mum moves out (not sure whether to her ex's studio flat or if stays with her own parents). In London, there is no way you could afford two proper houses unless you were on an abnormally high wage. Dad can't afford anything more than one room and obviously can't accommodate three teens there, even for short periods.

XH and I are pretty amicable so I guess with strong ground rules it could probably have worked for us. If he had been abusive then no, it would just give the abuser even more control.

There was a drama based on that book (presumably) that I watched recently starring Martin Compston.

I actually thought it was quite a good idea in theory, in terms of providing stability for the children and allowing them to stay in a a 'family' home whilst the parents are uprooted every week, instead of vice verse which is what usually happens. But I only see it working if both parents stay single and get on well, in which case they may as well have stayed married! I can't see how it would work if one gets a new partner, or if they hate each other.

Was it Our House?

I know someone who does this, 4 years in and they are winding it up as the kids start Uni.
3 houses, one is the family home.

The other houses are both investments as well, each has increased in value by £40k over that 4 years (one is subject to cgt as not the main home, but first 9 months are discounted plus £12k cgt allowance), mortgage on each is paid off by renting out one room in each property, tax free lodger rate.

Works extremely well. Kids very settled and happy.

You need enough £ to get the mortgages, beyond that it is self-funded.

I've seen it work well in short term say 6 months to 2 years after the break up, to provide a period of greater stability for the children. Anything longer than that and I think it causes more issues than it fixes due to new partners, changing circumstances (new jobs may mean one parent needs to move to a different location etc)

But I think in an amicable break up it can ease the transition for children. But would be hell in an abusive break up etc.

Firefly lane on netflix shows a couple doing this, which was where I heard of it first, then some friends who broke up did it for about 6 months.

It also gave them chance to work through finances and logistics etc without the sudden pressure of having to provide a second home fully ready for children to stay in, or the parent who moved out having to have awkward trips out in contact time because their rented flat wasn't really child friendly.

Our neighbours did this temporarily but only ran the one home. Mum stayed with her new boyfriend when not with the kids and dad stayed with his parents. I'm not sure it would work long term, I can imagine one parent never doing any housework and the other getting resentful that it always fell to them etc

That was it.

I think that if there is only enough money in the couple to afford one place which was suitable for the kids + a tiny studio flat then it could actually make financial sense.

In the book I’m reading, they have just two properties. One family home and then a studio flat the ‘other’ parent lives at.

That sounds fucked and utterly stifling. You’d never be able to move on.

Not quite the same but my ex and I have split the property I kept the Main house he got the holiday cottage and other outbuildings. Old farmhouse plus steadings type place. So he essentially lives across the yard often looks after them at my place on my working days and travels for work the rest of the week. Means I only have to pay for one days childcare a week.

It requires tolerance on my part. The sharing only really works if you’re both on the same page of housekeeping. It annoys me that I always return to a full sink despite the dishwasher being right there. If you left a tidy house to turn up to a messy studio or vice Versa it’d drive you bonkers surely?

People I know who did this had: teenage children, some at student stage at Uni; and were academics, with workplaces up to 1.5-2 hours away from the base (with a term time room or staying options there, presumably). Seems to be very amicable but work was a major thing that contributed to the split.