How do you ‘drop’ people out of your life?

[Offandonagain]

I’ve seen many a post on here from women who have been left out of group invites, or ghosted for unknown reasons. I understand the feelings of pain and upset, and confusion.

But there is someone in my life who I really want to not spend time with anymore and I don’t know how to go about it without doing the above… She is a friend who I met at a baby club 8 yrs ago. We got on well as we had more in common than just having a baby, and have similar interests. But as the children have got older I am finding the friendship a lot more difficult, and as I’m getting older I’m realising that I don’t want to be surrounded by people that annoy me…..

Should I just tell her that her 8yr old son is too boisterous and annoying, I’m fed up of him hurting my 8yr old (and me). I hate the way he talks to us as he is rude and self centred!

I’m also fed up of how difficult it can sometimes be to have a conversation with my friend as she can be really opinionated, particularly about parenting methods. This was something I could easily wash over when the kids were little, but he parenting style no effects my child and it annoys me!

I don’t understand the difficulty really, stop inviting her out and decline invites, it’d be far nicer to cool the friendship off slowly than ghost her though.

Just be less available..

Make excuses not to meet up. Take a day or so to reply to a text. She’ll get the hint.

Is this a normal process to go through?

I'd do this, you'll slowly drift apart.

Even if you liked her and her child, by 8 it is natural for children to form their own friendship groups and interests. I don't see people I really like as much as I'd want to, as DD has school 5 times a week and drama school all day on a Saturday, so that only leaves Sunday for family time. Surely you can just be unavailable? Schedule some playdates with your child's friends, book in a beach day or library trip or visit to granny's house or whatever. If you still like the mum, meet for a drink or coffee or something in the evening without children.

Just see less of her. Make excuses. Yes, it happens ( not sure if it’s ‘normal’ but maybe that’s the wrong word, it’s certainly common).

When her son is boisterous and annoying, what do you say/do in the moment? I’m just wondering if you say there and then to the son, ‘don’t do that please’. Because regardless of what she finds okay in her life, it’s okay for you to set boundaries for yourself even if it’s with other people’s children. You don’t have to wait for their parent to read your mind or tell them.

But aside from that, if you can’t set boundaries for how you want to be treated in the moment, agree just stop arranging to meet - don’t invite her and decline her invites. If she pushes or questions it’s okay to be honest and say you’re just not enjoying the time together anymore for x reasons.

It’s nice if you can be grown up enough to have that as an ongoing conversation - talk about what you don’t like (e.g. the boisterous behaviour) as much as what you like (your interests and things you have in common) and see if the relationship can be salvaged. Your friend might be willing to make some adjustments if she cares about your needs and preferences. It’s easier to do that that in small, ongoing ways though and you seem to be in place where it’s all built up - appreciate its then very difficult to talk about it all at once. But maybe something to think about for new friendships as it’s easier to set a new pattern of honesty from the beginning.

It is helpful that they don’t go to the same school.

We meet up maybe once every few
months as she lives in my old location. So when I go back I see her. We go camping together with other friends too. We’ve just come back from a camping trip and I just can’t do it anymore!

Do you like her without her child? It sounds like it's her child that is the problem.

Meet up without the kids?

I'm still really good friends with 2 of the women from baby group (15 years ago) but we haven't met with the kids for about 10 years! Their kids are actually lovely but it's hard to chat and catch up properly with kids interrupting, so we kind of moved on to meals and drinks out in the evenings or meeting for a coffee if we have a day off when the kids are at school.

If she's the problem then just be less available. Don't initiate meetings and soon you'll drift apart.

Yes, I do tell him. I set my own boundaries. He doesn’t like me as I react in a way that is different to his mum. I don’t tell him off or over step. But such as the other day he ran up to me and jumped up punching me in the back. I turned and kind of shouted in shock and told him he hurt me and never to do it again…. His reaction every time is to growl at me!

He growls or spits (on the floor) at anything one or anything he doesn't like

It’s her parenting that’s the hardest. But she also does this thing where in every conversation she objects with a yes but…. She is very opinionated. Conversations can be difficult as they often feel one sided or dominated by her opinions

Maybe try two different ways.

First, be more open about what you find tiresome. I'd have a word with the 8-year-old, 'Stop that - you keep hurting my child and it is not OK.'
When friend pontificates about parenting, cut in and say, 'I totally disagree. I've found...' and give yourself equal airtime.

She will be put off by this and may drift away from you as naturaslly as you do from her. If you are passive and appear to agree with her, she has grounds for thinking you are compatible.

And stop initiating meet ups, say you are busy sometimes. It is difficult. She will be hurt at the time, but over a lifetime it happens. I;ve drifted away from people and loads of people have drifted away from me. I can see why in retrospect even if at the time it was heartnreaking. In the long run, it's fine and you both need space to make friends with peopl eyou are truly compatible with.

Next time. Sorry but our DC don't seem to get long too well at the moment so i think we should leave mixing them together for a while.

You're overthinking it for sure. With both my kids I developed strong bonds with another mother with a child the same age. When we went back to work, in both cases we drifted apart. I was really hurt about the friendship with dc1 and I think with dc2 it was the other mother that was hurt. This is solely because the first time it was my friend who returned to work first and with the second it was me that took on a full time role where I was away training.

My point being in both cases the friendships changed. My kids are both early teens now and I am still 'friends' with both mothers. In reality though, mother 1 I never see but if we do it's lovely. Mother 2 we are slowly rekindling a new relationship that doesn't centre around the kids and we respect each other as people again.

If you don't want to do it anymore, just drift away. Be less available, drop into conversation you won't be camping next time for some other holiday reason. Just slowly move on

I wouldn’t sweat this at all.

You can ignore all contact or tell her her kid’s aggressiveness is dangerous and you won’t be putting yourself and your DS through it again.

And don’t get hooked into back and forth messages with her.

I feel sorry for the kids in his class.

You can’t reason with know it alls who think they’re kids are special and that it’s acceptable if they inflict pain on others.

So don’t waste your time and energy worrying about it.

They will both end up friendless. I’ve seen it before.

He is struggling yo make friends in his class, but his mother doesn’t see that it’s him!… She thinks it’s because it’s a small, sheltered village school without much choice.

She’s very much a free spirit type… uniform is bad, I don’t like conformity type of parent… which is having an impact
on his behaviour that she seems to be oblivious of.

Consequently… she struggles to befriend parents at the school.

I think I feel bad, as I’ve known her since the kids were babies.

Imo your dc has no need for such a feral dc in her life. Spitting is vile. I may skim over a mistaken swear word from my dc but spitting is a def no.
Your friend is blinkered to his teen years allowing such behaviour already.

You really are best out of it.