Why is marriage so difficult

[cakedelights]

Need advice on broken marriage.

Hello all.

I just wanted to share my story to be able to get a second opinion from you lovely people.

I been with a my husband since I was 17 (he's 10 yrs older than me ) but we started living separately since 2015 because he left me & my daughter for a women he had an affair with not mention he got her pregnant too. ( she lost the baby ).

Too cut the long story short as possible, I asked him to leave when he came back because I didn't want my child at the time who was 8 to be effected any longer. I was in a bad place. Prior to affair we had so many problems from him going out early hours, either gambling or smoking weed. Anyway I realised he needed time to sort himself out despite he had the affair & left her to come back . By that time I decided we could no longer live together because he wasn't finically consistent too. I had to claim as a single parent.

Now I am not perfect either, some time ago before having our child, I felt lonely in the relationship as he was either out or working away so I had contacted an old friend for support. Nothing physical happened but husband thought so and felt heart broken. I ended my friendship, made it up to him & we got married on the condition he gave up weed & the lifestyle. I absolutely adore this man despite how I have been treated over the yrs & the problems we've had over the years. But everytime I got angry, he reacted towards that by either going on self distruct, ignoring me or trying to end things.

Anyway our problems didn't get better living apart as his behaviour has been so erratic. I tried so hard to suggest marriage counselling & be there for him. There were times where he would gas light me, ignore me for weeks and months with no contact. I explained to him many times that in order to fix our problems & understand one another better we need counselling which he refused. In between this period there has been substance abuse & gambling & rumours about women.

Over time we drifted but still didn't want to officially part but I changed my life around, went to university & got help for my depression. Went through a lot of trauma of losing father to cancer & keeping my situation a secret from my family who are very cultural. I suffer with mental health problems and other health issues.

I refused to allow him back home til I saw I was able to rely on him money wise, have better communication & most of all that there is trust. I know this sounds bad but he's never been good with budgeting ect & every-time I tried to explain my feelings he says it's due to him building his house back home. I never ask him for nothing because I am not a fraud & we live separately. I never resented him because he has his own bills & commitments. Now he's been evicted because he didn't communicate his money issues with landlord ect as his communication is so poor. (He didn't tell me about the eviction til I found out. Then I discovered he been flirting with another women a year affair which didn't help matters & I was upset saying that the trust between us is broken. He said he wasn't in a good place after we lived separately ect.

Now he's angry for my reaction about the flirting messages I found reminding me that I had previously had an affair too. Again I explained it wasn't an affair & that he can't use that against me every time he does something wrong! He said it's how it is. Now he is angry that I let him live away from the home for over 5 yrs. He is not happy and the marriage isn't good enough for him anymore. He is leaving to go back home. He also said I had prioritised my education to wanting to stand on my feet before we ever live together again. He's really broken me in a way that all the blame is shifted on to me & making me feel vulnerable and confused. I have no idea what he is trying to do. Either he's walking away or trying to make me choose either let him back home or we officially divorcing.. I feel this is unfair & not the right way to go about things. We both are very upset. My daughter adores her dad but knows he's not the easiest for me. I don't know what am suppose to do anymore !but I won't be forced into anything to get back to the same problems.

Am I really the one who is responsible for the way things turned out, did I do wrong for wanting to live separately when I had no choice because at the time I couldn't rely on him & almost lost my house too because rent wasn't being paid. Am I asking for too much ? Do I expect too much. So in reality he's walking away unless i beg him to come back to the family home. I feel torn, confused & angry. I did suggest we talk face to face but he's kinda refusing saying he's not wanting to come back because he's got no home ect as he's working away at min.

I don’t think you are responsible for him wanting to leave. In your shoes I think you are right to live separately (for financial reasons) - and he should understand that. You have done fantastically well to provide for yourself and your daughter. He should also provide for her and visit her - but that is his responsibility not yours.

This one is easy!
Just let him walk away and officially divorce.
You are better on your own. You have further your education, raised your daughter and kept the roof over your heads.
He brings gambling, drugs and drama around you and your daughter.
Stay put, you and your daughter.
Family and cultural issues will not pay the bills, or keep your daughter away from drugs while her father takes them (and she will know), neither make him a good example for your DD to follow. Nobody can blame you for keeping her and yourself safe and stable.

He will. But I think keeping quiet in that front while he vanishes is a small price to pay. He can tell whatever he wants to others. Who cares!

I am proud of you for keeping this man out of your house!

Thank you guys for your kind words and support. I don't why it's so much harder for me to see it the way you guys do. He's trying to give up smoking ect & wants to change his life but all this anger towards me and blame shifting isn't normal. He's saying he wants to be friends & I can call him anytime then next min he's saying this isn't a marriage & it's not good enough for him! He's frustrated with everything but I have never said to him he's not good enough !

I feel that I can't get angry because he will react & when I do get angry as a result of his mistakes he wants out.

I have given him the opportunity to come to me in person to discuss the issues ect because it's not easy talking over the phone. I plan to tell him exactly how I feel so he can understand why we are in this situation. He told me he's going to give up his flat to go home to finish his house then come back home to concentrate on his family us In reality I think he just wanted to come back because he was getting evicted but it didn't happen because he didn't communicate properly. He's the the type to sit & watch then things don't go how he wants them he gets angry. I never once told him I feel unimportant & not a priority because of his house he's building !!!

I didn't get all the way through the opening post.
Separate yourself from the loser. Block him wherever you can. Don't listen to his lifestory. Have minimal contact - if necessary - for shared parenting. Although, as he's into drugs and unreliable, I'd be reluctant to support his access to a child.
Stop kidding yourself that things will ever improve. You don't owe him anything. Stop accommodating his failings.

Wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you want to stay with someone who has cheated on you, has gambling and drug problems, and you haven’t even been in a proper relationship since 2015 by the sounds of it!

The fact that the relationship started when you were 17 and he was 27 is also a huge red flag. What kind of man prefers a teenager over women his own age? What did your parents think of this relationship?

I expect your mental health problems would be greatly reduced if he was out of your life.

Which part did not understand? Please feel free to ask anything you wish.

He's had a weed habit on and off which i have found so hard to accept. He's now walking away and trying to improve himself as a person but now I feel like was it the marriage issues that made him this way because am quite intolerant & get angry

I also stopped reading your opening post half way through. Relationships arent supposed to be hard, they are supposed to be the thing that gets you through the other hard shit in life. This man isn't the man for you, you are not the woman for him. Stop wasting all these years. Life is short, end things and move on. There is so much more out there beyond this.

I understand what your saying.

What type of women would say is for him ? I tired to support him in many ways, emotionally with compassion & kindness. I can't help I get annoyed at him hiding things & his bad habits.

I been with a my husband since I was 17 (he's 10 yrs older than me )

I didn't need to read any further than this. An adult man who looks at a borderline child and thinks "she would make a good sexual and romantic partner" is fucked in the head, and any relationship or marriage would be doomed to failure. Decent 27yr old men do not consider teenage girls to be their target audience.

The age issue never bothered me & we are from a background where age isn't a issue. I mentioned the age on here as I am wondering if the age gap is a issue in terms of maturity.

Nevermind what type of woman is for him. What about what YOU want?? What type of relationship do you want? Surely not the one described in your first post? Why flog a dead horse when you can find someone so much better or enjoy life alone for a while

My parents didn't have an issue with the age gap because he was a nice decent person. He's not abusive but he's lifestyle choices changed him.

Backgrounds where "age isn't an issue" are usually also backgrounds where women don't have sufficient rights or freedoms.

Guys I love ur strength and views. I would provide the same advice to someone in my own situation but I would strongly recommend communicating everything so that both parties are clear how of what happened and why then go forwards.

Trust me I don't tolerate less rights for women ! I fought with my own family due to this

Marriage shouldn’t be this hard… your husband sounds like a nightmare. He doesn’t care about you, had had affairs, money issues and gambles. Get rid of him once and for all! Your life would be far easier without him and his problems

The thing is, there's no point communicating with an abuser. He chose you because you were young and therefore vulnerable. There's no way he just suddenly started using drugs at 27+, these issues didn't appear after you got together, he just kept them under wraps until you were well and truly trapped. I strongly suggest you do the Freedom Program, and get some individual counselling for yourself.

I know it's hard when you love someone, but you really need to walk away from this relationship for your own good and for the good of your daughter.

You say that she adores her dad, so imagine when she's older and she brings home a boy just like her dad. Is that what you would want for her?

Leave him and find someone who loves you. Model a better relationship to your daughter.

Your husband takes no responsibility for his actions from what I can see, even going so far as to blame you for his faults!

There's so much wrong here op, and I don't blame you at all for feeling torn, confused and angry! Can you afford to see a counsellor? They could be a great help in helping you see the situation more clearly and sort out your feelings.

Am I really the one who is responsible for the way things turned out, did I do wrong for wanting to live separately when I had no choice because at the time I couldn't rely on him & almost lost my house too because rent wasn't being paid.

No, you are not responsible at all!!!

Am I asking for too much ? Do I expect too much.

No, you are asking for the bare minimum really.

Also, you may get more replies if you ask to have this moved into the Relationships topic (click on Report, it's in the menu at the bottom of the post, the three dots menu, and just ask Mumsnet to move it).

Thank you Strugglingtodomybest

I know your absolutely right but I really appreciate your kind understanding words. If I didn't love him then I guess this would be far easier. I did get counselling few months ago and we explored trauma bonding & realised because of my past I struggle to make decisions ect. However I have no issues with boundaries because I refused to allow him to live with us til the problems were resolved. He's all or nothing kind of attitude, am the type to navigate through problems to find a solution to prevent things from repeating themselves. In general he struggles to see where his failings are even though he has some good qualities otherwise I wouldn't still love him. I have a excellent relationship with his family back home too which makes it harder.

I strongly believe if he would listen to me as I am a wise person who takes accountability for my problems & consider where am coming from we could be in a better relationship. I told he has to give up his substances, gambling ect but he just says there is no substances & weed. I also recorded every conversation so I can identify if I am being subjected to gas lighting. I also have it for proof that i have told him where he needs to repair things.

I've given him a choice, either talk this out reasonably and rationally in person or I will let him go & be. I know this part will be the hardest thing I do but you should never beg for love & fairness.

What is the Freedom programme??????????????????

I know deep down I have to break away, it's just the blame shifting is really difficult to deal with. He told me he made me aware he was unhappy, he said he lived alone for 7 yrs ect & that the marriage isn't good enough for him & he's not coming back.

It was absolutely pointless arguing with him because once he's in his own bubble of anger it makes me feel more rejected & vulnerable so protect myself in that moment I ended the Call. All was fine til I reacted with anger to discovering texts. Now when I say anger I basically told him find someone else & take his lack of accountability else where then I ignored him for days but kept it civil in front of daughter. Then I sent a text to say the trust is badly damaged. Now he's angry shifting blame !!!!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you !