(CW for late pregnancy loss) My child just coloured her dead siblings' wooden box. Can't get my head around this.

[HighlighterPensWereNotDesignedForThis]

Two years ago, during the first and harshest Covid lockdown, I gave birth alone to twins who had died at 21 weeks gestation. I returned home with their earthly remains in (sorry) a hospital-issued wooden box. I laid them to rest in a ceremony which (not sorry) breached all Covid restrictions. Since then, I have kept that box as my last reminder of them.

Today, my 5 year old (and still youngest) child took that box and decorated it with pink, orange, and yellow highlighted pens. I just cannot, cannot process this.

We've always been a kind of relaxed and open family within which extraneous scribbles were never an issue and there was never much of a concept of private possessions or spaces. And really, she is far too young to grasp the magnitude of what the box meant to me, though she'd always understood what that box had used for. I'm not going to take out my feelings on her.

But, like, what am I supposed to do?

Cry?
Laugh?
Attempt to source a replica?
Notify the Turner prize committee??

I'm absolutely not minimising your feelings. But I think that's actually nice. She's their sister, and she's added something that links her to then.

Ugh. Them, not then

im so sorry for your loss and the circumstances at the time too. no answers but didn’t want to read and not answer

It's questionable how much she actually understands about the box and her siblings when she didn't ever meet them, but if she does understand, surely in the head of a five year old she thought she was doing something nice? Have you asked her if she knows why she did it?

I agree. To the best of her understanding, she believed she was doing something pretty. She still talks about when they died and how sad everyone was.

I guess you could frame it that, had your twins not sadly died, it would have been the three of them together grafitting something else with highlighters. Also when I read your thread title I thought you actually meant that the deaths were a recent thing and that you were encouraging you DD to decorate their siblings coffin as part of the grieving process and I thought how lovely, but sad that was.

A magic sponge should get the pen Mark's off. I understand the upset, my first born was born at 24 weeks and passed away 2 hours after he was born. I was lucky enough that the hospital had special memory boxes and they helped make a cast footprint thing of his feet, my children were messing in my room and broke it, I was so so upset.

But their just kids, they dont mean any harm.

All you can do now is either keep it out of her reach really, I hope your okay x

I understand why you are upset, but if this is how she understands things:

'We've always been a kind of relaxed and open family within which extraneous scribbles were never an issue and there was never much of a concept of private possessions or spaces.'

And she is only 5. The box would not have had significance to her when she did what she did. It's really important that you do not see this as something she did consciously. You can be upset about your loss and what the box symbolized to you, but you must not put that onto your daughter. She will not understand death or loss at her age either because she is still in the concrete phase. When I say this, I am not just talking about not 'taking it out on her' I am talking about not communicating it to her at all, beyond telling her to ask before drawing on things.

Believe me, I understand the pain of losses and I am not judging your reaction at all, just trying to give perspective as you asked.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐 My second son was stillborn at 34 weeks so I have an inkling of how you feel. I think there are two things here, the first is that you don’t need a box to remind you. I think of my boy almost every day and he’d be 45 now. I have no tangible reminder, the love doesn’t need it.

The second thing is that box is now a reminder of all your children. Your daughter has embellished and added to it and so all your children are joined together in one memory. It’s now even more something to treasure than it was before with even more meaning.

Maybe she wanted to make it look nice for you xx

Oh OP.
It's all of those reactions,isn't it?
I can understand why hurt, sadness or anger might come up, but checking the facts your daughter is 5 and didn't understand what she was doing or how it would make you feel. I do think there's something quite beautiful about her being so linked to her siblings by interacting with the box, I know it may feel differently to you though. I think as you can't change what has happened now, and it won't do you or your daughter any good to hold onto the anger or hurt, you need to radically accept what's happened and try to move on. Maybe move the box somewhere else, you could write a diary entry about how what happened and how you felt and keep it with the box, as a way of acknowledging what has happened. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can do something positive to help you move on with your daughter, could you plant some seeds in the garden in memory of her siblings or something?

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's difficult to understand the motivations of a 5 year old but if she's always knew the box had a connection with her siblings, maybe she was drawing them a picture or in her mind making it prettier for them.

Maybe she's always associated it with sad times and wanted to make brighter. Who knows but in a way I find it kind of touching whether it was her intention or not.

As upset as you are, you know that was never her intention. I wouldn't even try to erase it, it's a connection between you all, even if you would have preferred her to leave it alone.

Big hugs.xx

Oh 💐 How heart wrenching for you. Don’t try and fight however you feel, just let it come and it will go in it’s time.

If your dd knows about her siblings and what the box is, maybe it was her way of trying to connect to them.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I actually think this is very sweet though. It probably doesn't feel it right now I imagine, but it's your daughter colouring in a very bleak memory. I firmly believe in a resurrection and it will be lovely for her to meet them and they can scribble together to their hearts content.

Sending you lots of love op.

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
The scribbles haven't taken away from your twins.
Is any comfort that your daughter wasn't scared to touch and decorate their box?
I hope that isn't patronising. It must have been a terrible shock.
Wish you strength

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with PPs - in a child's mind it probably made sense that she would want to make it look beautiful and colourful for her siblings. I hope you can find some comfort in that. I understand why it wouldn't feel like that right now though

Thanks, all of you.

Been having lots of cuddles with DD. Had to drop older ones off at summer activity, and am returning home via newsagent to buy younger ones a bumper pack with all colours of highlighter pen, to see what we can create. On paper. On paper.

That's good to hear OP. Best wishes