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Wonder what life would have been like

4 replies

Flyme2 · 28/07/2022 06:14

Im 60 married 40plus years 2 adult kids
I was abused from age 5 until I was probably 14/15 one was a friend my mum had the other my BIL ,both now dead
Why didn’t I tell someone?
I have always disliked myself no feeling of self worth
I have always been overweight smoked swore didn’t care what I looked liked I’m now at the age I wonder if my life would have been different had the abuse not happened I have only ever told my OH who said nothing just shrugged his shoulders
I realise it was a long time ago but I still carry it with me just wondered if anybody has had similar

OP posts:
WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 28/07/2022 06:32

I’m so very sorry OP, and yes your life would have been different if the abuse hadn’t happened. Your low self esteem will have been a direct result of the abuse.

That’s a very extended period of time for abuse to occur and it will have affected your entire childhood. No child should have to experience something so horrific. It is no surprise you didn’t tell anyone - abusers groom their targets so they feel it is their secret to carry, their shame, their fault. And a child doesn’t have the perspective or maturity to know any different or process what’s happening. And so you reach adulthood with a difference to the people around you, damaged and feeling “set apart”.

Your DH’s muted reaction is unhelpful, perhaps he didn’t fully understand what you were telling him or perhaps he was so shocked he didn’t know how to respond or perhaps he felt it is ancient history and you’ve dealt with it. In any event you needed something better from him, and I’m sorry about that too.

I don’t think you ever fully deal with it but you can step back through what happened and apply your adult brain and emotion to it all, and that helps - but you need professional help to do it effectively (in my opinion). NAPAC.org is a charity supporting adults who experienced child abuse, they have a free helpline. I haven’t used them but if I was starting out finding support, that’s how I’d start nowadays. It’s tragic that it is necessary but thankfully there is a lot more awareness these days, and so you can find support out there.

Please don’t let your DH stop you from seeking help, you can answer a lot of questions about your life and live the rest of it feeling a measure of relief from the burden you’ve carried with you all this time.

good luck, sending you a big hug.

Flyme2 · 28/07/2022 06:53

Thank you for your reply I have no idea why today I decided to actually put this in writing I will look at seeking professional help

OP posts:
KittyCatsby · 28/07/2022 07:01

Now that you have told people ( us , and well done for sharing. Sorry it happened to you )
Why not look upon it as being cathartic , and deciding that it's never to late to become the ' real ' you . If you want to stop smoking , or swearing , or even lose a few lbs , you can .
If you have never painted your nails , or had a massage or whatever you think you might enjoy. Do it . It's never too late to decide to do nice things for yourself.
Start by compiling a list of new things to do or try.

Flyme2 · 28/07/2022 07:29

Thank you no I’ve never had these things done or even thought about it I only know I don’t want to be me to do the things I’ve always done but on the other hand only Me can change it and I have no energy for it I know by smoking overeating etc I’m building up future problems but part of me thinks ah well it doesn’t matter probably not mentally in a good place …… tomorrow will be better

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