Death and small children.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

MIL passed away last week. She was a great age, and her final illness reduced her to the point where it came as a relief.

DGS, who'll be 5 in August, saw her a fair bit up to June, and they got on well. DD is in bits, poor woman, but she's concealed her from him.

The question is how and when to tell him. He's not coming to the funeral (week after next), but at some point he'll work it out, being bright.

Any suggestions?

Great Grandma (or whatever name she is known by) has died, her body stopped working as she was old and poorly. We are all sad, it's nice to remember her by talking about her/ looking at pictures/ remembering her in our hearts.

I think honesty is best with children, answer questions as age appropriately as you can. No mention of "going to sleep" as he might associate sleep with death, avoid passed away too it's best to be somewhat blunt. Children understand better than adults do sometimes

I would go with just being honest. Definitely avoid the 'sleeping' thing, and only mention heaven/stars etc if you really believe that stuff because you will probably have to answer the same questions multiple times (five year olds are like that).

There are quite a few age-appropriate children's books around now to help explain, eg Badger's Parting Gifts, Goodbye Mog etc. It is easy enough to explain when it is someone very old, harder when someone dies young or suddenly because then you get lots of questions and anxiety about whether you or XXX other person are going to die soon.

What has he been told so far, in terms of why he stopped seeing her in June?
I'd develop from that - we had an elderly relative who didn't want to be seen by anyone but her kids & HCPs when she was ill - no grandkids or great-grandkids or anyone else - when mine were similarly little. We told them she was ill and wasn't up to many visitors. We openly discussed the possibility of death, Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie is a good book we have, there is also reading of it and Freddie the Leaf on youtube that I used when my kids were small, so when the inevitable happens, we told them, how the funeral was being planned and the arrangements made for them (her kids didn't want children present so we arranged for them to stay with their friends).

We asked if there was anything they wanted to do or if they had any questions, there was a mix of feelings and we told them they were all understandable.

If he hasn't been told anything, I'd start with a simple explanation of why he hasn't seen her, then that she's died and discuss that in a similar way. Let him lead on questions if he's the type to ask, if not (I've one like that), suggest actions that can be done like, with mine, there were teddies she had given them and we ended up finding them all to talk about her, and letting them pick from our photos of one for our memorial wall.

Is there a reason why he shouldn't go to the funeral? My DS has been to all family funerals since about age 3 GGF, GGM, uncle, G uncle. He was at one today actually but he's 8 now.

We are Irish though and its a bit different here maybe.

We just told him that the deceased had no more time left to stay with us but we can think about them whenever we want, and a certain activity may really help us remind us of them eg building sandcastles with GGD or rainbows for uncle.

We had a very traumatic death in the family last year and it took a lot of tears and hugs all round, still does but we talk about them and make sure DS can when he wants to.

Funnily I have a photo of his GGF in the living room, it's one of my favourite pictures, probably taken when my GF was around 65. I took a picture out of a box last week of him aged around 90, and DS face lit up and said "ohhh there's my Papa" he doesn't recognise the man I loved in my picture as being the man he loved too.

I'm one of those who just tells kids things straight. My daughter's pretty up to speed with most things. I'm not a reckless nutjob. It is age-appropriate but something like death, the person died, I just explain.

Same with things like periods or something like that, how babies are made.... I explain things in technical terms.

They're not secret or inappropriate I feel. Things like say slaughterhouses I wouldn't explain the grim detail to her, but again I say the truth.

See what I mean? I just don't see the point in being evasive or vague. I don't see what good it would do the child.

But it all depends on the child.

Thanks everyone.

We'll see how it goes.

When my father died we scattered his ashes at sea. I told my DS4 he had died and gone away on a boat , so he couldn't come back, but he was happy. I explained I was just sad not to talk to him any more. Seemed fine with it, although it was pretty spooky when he told me the next morning that my dad had come to visit him at night, and then detailed various things he couldn't have known. Who knows!

This is just about perfectly put.

Small children tend to be quite matter-of-fact about death. They might ask some rather direct questions!

DC were 5 and 3 when my Grandma died.
I told them Great-Grandma had died which meant they couldn't see her anymore.

DS2 was so matter of fact about it he asked about a week later why I was crying "she's dead. That's what happens. Crying won't bring her back"

Came on to say pretty much exactly this. All the best over the coming days/ weeks/ months xxx

Absolutely. I find he usually just accepts what I tell him and doesn't ask about it again. All knowledge being filed away somewhere for future use no doubt :) He did say he also wanted to have periods so he could have sanitary pads the other day😂

I hope you have many happy memories of your late MIL despite her final illness and that your grandson can do so too.

I would also just say that granny was very old, had a long and lovely life but she’s died now. You can say that it’s sad, but aren’t we lucky to have had her in our lives. Depending on his understanding you could also say that as long as people live in our memories, they never really go.
children are often very matter of fact about things.

I'm sorry for your loss 💕 My BIL recently died, different circumstances as he was found dead at 31 (there is going to be an inquest) but telling my 4yr old was something I was very anxious about. Her nursery had staff members who had specific training ELSA I think? On talking to children about death so she gave me loads of advice. As other have said be completely honest. Don't say things like "gone to sleep" or "to the stars" and then only tell them as much as they ask. If they don't ask where they've gone now don't say.