Do you believe that a spirit lives on?

[notonyournelly8]

I lost my mum and best friend 7 weeks ago to cancer aged 61. People keep saying she is with me, that I should write letters to her and talk to her. But I just feel like she's gone and that's it. That she is not here, that she died and there's nothing left of her.
For context I don't have any family around nor support. My husband doesn't get it he thinks I should just be normal.
What's everyone else's thoughts and experience? Thanks

I think when people say ‘she is still with you’ they don’t mean literally right there. It’s more like you still have her memory, the things she has taught you are her living on etc. If you felt writing to her would help then it’s a nice way to think of her. If you don’t, then it wouldn’t help.

Your husband sounds a bit of a dick. What does ‘just be normal’ mean?

Everyone process grief differently. Some people are helped by writing letters etc, but if it feels pointless to you that's OK too.

As far as your DH goes, is he concerned because your grief is all consuming and stopping you living your life or is he expecting you to never mention your Mum again? If the former then speak to your GP. It will help you manage your grief if you keep on doing all the things that mattered to you before your Mum got ill and your life can't end just because hers has. If he doesn't want you to talk about your Mum is that his own grief about her death or is he being unsympathetic?

@Kanaloa
@JaninaDuszejko

Husband thinks he is doing everything and I'm doing nothing. He said this 5 weeks after my mum passed. The first 3 weeks was arranging her affairs, giving her flat back and arranging the funeral so I was largely absent. Then I returned to work and I was trying to adjust. A couple of weeks in he said that he just wants his wife back and was pretty harsh. Still having issues there and more to it but tbh it would be a whole other thread.

I do believe there’s more after death, but not in the sense that the dead are floating around with us. But mostly I just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your DH is being so awful to you when you’re grieving for your mum.

Sometimes even people who aren’t generally horrible can get like this when someone they see as strong is struggling - I think it comes from panic and fear on their own part. And sometimes people are just mean. Whichever one it is I hope you have others around you who can support you without throwing a strop, and if you need a listening ear then Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk) have a free bereavement support helpline that is meant to be good.

Is your husband generally this unsupportive OP? His behaviour sounds incredibly disappointing, at a time you need him most to be complaining about the impact on his own life and nagging you to effectively get over a huge life changing loss is IMO, deeply hurtful and reflects very poorly on him. I know from experience that those who haven't experienced a meaningful loss of someone close struggle to empathise with just how deeply it cuts but his behaviour is selfish and worrying. You are not 'his wife' in order that you provide him with the usual service whether you are able to or not. To not even be able to take a few weeks out (which is a bloody short time after a death as it is) without him acting this way is grim.

I'm so sorry for your loss. At 7 weeks after the death of your mum I am surprised you are managing anything much at all. There is absolutely not a 'normal' when it comes to grieving and people cope in different ways and on different timelines and hold different beliefs. How you feel now may not be how you feel in a month, six months or a year and that is also fine. If you want to write her a letter, talk to her or do any other thing you can (now or in the future) and if it doesn't feel right then don't.

I had bereavement counselling some time ago and that very much leaned towards grieving by continuing the relationship after they had passed away if that was helpful but also making sure that we accepted that loss had happened fully - the two aren't mutually exclusive and there is no right or wrong.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Your husband sounds heartless, deeply unpleasant and selfish.
Yes I believe the spirts of our loved ones are with us. Your Mum is probably carrying you through this horrible time.
I hope you have others around you who are more supportive 💐

No I don't, I think when someone dies that's it. And that's what I thought when my mum died. but if it makes someone feel happier to believe they are still around then that doesn't do any harm at all. You do what's best for you. Don't feel pressured into writing letters etc though.

Not sure how to link, but there's a thread with a similar theme titled 'To want to believe in life after death'. Seems to have gone a bit quiet but it might be helpful.

Of course she is! Her body hasn’t left the earth, has it? Neither is her spirit! Her memories live on, the way she gas touched people’s lives lives on.

I personally don’t believe it no - I’d love to believe but I know deep down that’s it not true. But I don’t think that dedicating thoughts to them or writing a letter is a less valuable activity for it if you’d like to do it. Whether someone believes in these kinds of things or not, grief takes time and is different for everyone. 7 weeks is no time at all. Your DH should be more understanding.

Leaving your marital situation aside, there is no time limit to grief and you spent the immediate period after your DM's death dealing with the practicalities. This is often a good thing as the shock and deep grief you are feeling gets subsumed by survival. But grieving will unfold at its own time and all the feelings and emotions will come to the surface eventually. It sounds like this phase of your grief is a time of real loss and bewilderment when you just want to pick the phone up and talk to your DM again. Over time, and I mean a lot of time, not weeks, you will learn how to cherish her memory more and you will remember all the good things she taught you without the horrendous pain of loss.
I do believe there is a spirit and something beyond death, and I have felt the spirits of my parents and grandparents with me through some strange and difficult times. Not in a woo way but in knowing that everything they taught me is still inside me and their influence is there.
I have also had a couple more spiritual experiences which, as a Christian, I know to be real, but that is a different thing. Please take care of yourself and be generous in allowing your mind and body to deal with your loss as you see fit, not someone who thinks you should be back to normal so soon after losing someone who meant the world to you.

Nah.

Give it time

When your mum thinks you're ready she'll let you know she's there
She needs time to adjust and so do you xx

Very good @TomAllenWife .

Yes, I believe so.

When my mum died, we could still feel her presence in the house for quite a long time - well over a year.

My dad died 9 years later and he was off like a rat up a drainpipe. No hanging around, off to see mum, his brothers, sisters, parents and all his mates. Bugger us lot, he knew we'd manage.

I do, but I'm not athiest. Whenever a family member has died, I've had moments of feeling their presence/spirit at random moments, but always at least 6 months later.

Immediately after, it just feels like lights out, they're gone. Also, I've found that in the immediate after time, all I can remember is how they looked/seemed when they were dying (eg, really ill, underweight etc).

Then after 6 months or so, gradually I start to remember them as how they "really" were in their life, when they were healthy and smiling.

Sorry for your loss, losing a parent is so hard I've not long lost my lovely dad and I miss him so much so I can't offer any advice on how long the grieving goes on for maybe it doesn't stop.
You're hubby sounds like what he's really saying is he just wants you to pick up all the stuff that you did do because he's been doing it all since you're mum passed, not sure what doing it all entails but I think he's being unreasonable to expect you to be able so soon after the loss of your mum to pick up all of the things that you've done previously.
If he's struggling juggling everything is their anyone who could help out for a while? Hope you manage to get it sorted out with him soon as you could do with out this as well as dealing with your loss.

No I don't. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife

Look, I don't know - I'm not religious and the pragmatist / sceptic in me doesn't believe in ghosts or spirits or whatever.

But, having lost many people and animals that were very close to me, I find comfort in two of my favourite writers:

As Terry Pratchett wrote, "...no-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away... The span of someone's life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence...", and from Philip Larkin's An Arundel Tomb, "...what will survive of us is love."

So basically what I'm trying to say is that yes, we do continue to exist in the minds of those we have loved and who loved us, and for me, that's enough.

I wish you all the best with your healing.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I believe that people live on in the people who love them, the people who talk about them. My dad died 4 years ago. He is still in our lives. Remember when dad... Oh here's that photo of dad doing...

While there are people who remember you, you aren't gone in every way.

Sending you condolences and love on the loss of your lovely mum. Your husband is being very unsympathetic. You can write to your mum and talk to her, it might help. None of us for certain that death is the end. If her spirit is around, then she will be supporting you right now.

It sounds lonely to be missing your mum and only to have the 'support' of someone who wants all your attention for himself (however you might be feeling just now).

If you need to talk about your Mum and lack a more sympathetic person than him - don't forget that the Samaritans are available to listen. (They aren't just about suicide.) It can be very hard to have bereavement moving about in your head all day.

Your seeing who your husband really is. Don’t forget it going forward.

And I’m sorry you’ve lost your darling mum. It’s very early days yet and just getting up in the morning is a feat in itself. Give yourself a cuddle and get through the days however you want.

I truly believe a person’s spirit lives on.

I think that your grief will take the lead and take you to where you need to go. We follow our grief and it manifests itself in various and interesting ways.
Your 'not feeling anything' or even feeling her presence is part of your grief. This will likely change. It may not. There is no wrong way to deal with loss. There is just your way, OP. And that is totally ok.
Grief is a very isolated experience. We often talk about families grieving together. But in my own experience, grief can often tear people apart. We put expectations on each other to grieve a certain way that may 'help' others, to be there for each other, to pull each other through our grief. But grief is a solo journey. You do it in your way and in your own time. It is a process, an individual process.

I personally believe that there is some sort of connection between the living and the dead. The fact that loved ones live on in our thoughts and in our hearts is, in itself, an afterlife of sorts. That their love for us never leaves us, that we never forget their voices or their smell or things they said or idiosyncracies that they had, is them continuing to travel our life path alongside us, albeit in a different way that is metaphysical in its own simple way. I suppose this is where the word spiritual would work... in a spiritual way.

I believe in something that I cannot put words to. It's not what we're told to think, it's not an afterlife as such or 'heaven'. I just feel like we are part of something continuous. And in this physical realm of our living, we are so massive, so seemingly important (ruled by ego), yet utterly powerless to fate's hand. I think in death, we are so small, almost swallowed up by something so great and unknown, yet we are more powerful because we are absorbed into something that is eternal, significant, and greater than us alone. I suppose in death, we become part of the order, leaving behind this beautiful life of chaos.
That's my two cents that I sometimes ponder over my morning coffee.
But I probably am talking complete and utter bollocks (I mostly do... but it brings a bit of peace to these crazy days of living).

Oh and I just read about your husband. He is an utter turd.
Sometimes it takes a death to shake up your living like a snowglobe and show you where your really at. You're here one time. As they say, this ain't no dress rehearsal.
Don't waste your life with time bandits.
Your husband is clearly not here for you in your hour of need.
Don't forget this when you come back up for air, OP.

'I want my wife back'...
Tell him you want your husband back. Kevin the Teenager seems to have replaced him.