@HappyLouLou so glad you found us and vice versa! Even though it's fairly uncommon, I feel like there must be so many people out there with a similar experience who are just so lost with it all.
My personal journey to this realisation started from therapy. I had so many self esteem issues in my twenties and early thirties that manifested in all sorts of self destructive ways (suicide attempts, brushes with the law, dependencies, bad crowds, eating disorders - all of which made me feel like even more of 'a problem' than my parents already made me feel like) and just a lack of moral compass, sense of identity and confusion about my story. I always knew my home life was not normal. I used to cry all the time, mostly in private, sometimes so my parents could hear - they never came to comfort me. For a long time I buried the emotional neglect, then started therapy about 10 years ago and realised it was not normal. That a young child shouldn't be so upset all the time and withdrawn as I was. I was asked to leave the parental home at 17 because of my behaviour and went to uni because it was my only option to get out (not because I actually had any interest in the degree course) and thinking back I would class me as feral. I had no idea how to be, so immature, so incredibly vulnerable. I was probably the worst kind of friend too, had no experience of community, give and take, collaboration.
Over the years, I have thought more and more about the early years of my life. Mostly it was lonely, a lot of time spent playing by myself but I think this was good for my imagination if I am trying to find positives. I think I was my dad's obsession - the apple of his eye - until I wasn't anymore. I think my dad played me off against my mum. To hurt her actually. He was angry, volatile and sometimes violent. They both were. He got more and more controlling as the years went on. Neither of them had any friends, they didn't speak to part of their families on both sides, and my dad seemed to isolate my mum further. I feel like my Dad had more going on than just ASD, he was such a bully... bullied all of us and we in term bullied one another. He is like the dad out of in betweeners who takes the piss out of his son and does anything to undermine him, everything is a joke.
My mum presents in different ways and has become increasingly unmasked in recent years. Very cold. Never says anything nice about anyone. Very negative person. Again, no friends, no dinner parties, no holidays with other families. She rarely went out and did stuff with us or for herself, a home bod. No real hobbies - but had things she enjoyed at home eg cross words, computer games, cooking and she worked in accounting. She likes routine and familiar places. She wasn't maternal in anyway but fairly dutiful (in some ways - she announced when I was 10 that I had to do all my own washing). She used to just ignore me,
Sometimes for months and months at a time, almost look through me. She was so rude to any of my friends, when they phoned or came round, to the point they didn't bother anymore and I felt too embarrassed of them to invite people round. Sometimes someone would ring for me and she would say I wasn't in. We went shopping once together during my childhood. We never did mum and daughter stuff like go out for lunch. She didn't have an interest in make up,
Dressing up etc - never told me I looked nice, not once.
Needless to say I never applied myself at school. Basically cause they didn't care what I did or didn't do. I never did any homework as they never helped me with it. They never were interested in what options I had taken, what subjects I enjoyed or did not, there was zero guidance or encouragement. They used to go to parents evening but never once discussed what my teachers said. They made no attempt to get to know me or help me know myself. They never told me how to look after myself and protect myself (from predators) and unfortunately ended up dating much older men from 15 which has affected me badly in my adult life. We never did very much fun stuff - yes some meals out, visiting adult places like museums and National Trust which I found incredibly boring. Most the tome during teenage years I was told to get out the house, they didn't want me around. I wasn't popular at school, it took me a while to find my people, and was bullied a lot. It was so horrendous to be bullied at school, come home to hostility and then be forced out onto the streets with no where to go and no one to hang out with. I was just so lonely and wanted to die from about 11 years old. Not normal!
My brother is ASD and I wish I could say they were good at parenting him but unfortunately probably worse. Just took the piss out him and did nothing to boost his confidence. And dragged me into this type of dialogue too, something I feel terrible about today.
There were also lots of accidents when in care of mum - I fell down the stairs and badly hurt my head, brother chopped his finger off etc - she just seemed let us play unsupervised all the time. I have seen the way she is with my baby and I'd never leave her with her.
I absolutely hated my childhood. It was terrible. They should never have had children. What doesn't make sense to me is that they also fostered children and my mum was a child minder for sometime. There are so many things that don't make sense.
I hope it wasn't as bad for you!