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Original poster

Controlling Mother

24 replies

RainCloud · 26/07/2022 10:35

I'm at my wits end.

Currently trying to buy a house. Mother has decided to "help" me choose one. I've seen one I like but she doesn't like it because it needs a new bathroom. Location etc great and a new bathroom no big deal IMO. She's seen one that is newly (but cheap and ugly) done up with no parking, on a main road. She is having tantrums because I won't buy the one she likes. She has offered me 10k to buy the one that she likes.

Don't get me started on the "gifts" of frumpy clothes and the constant "tips" on getting my hair cut (all women should cut their hair short once they get past 25 apparently).

Why does she think that I should want to live and dress like her? Constant moaning because I don't wear the clothes she buys me.

I'm 43 FFS.

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 26/07/2022 11:26

Why are you giving her so much control over your life if you are this frustrated? Don't accept the money, buy the house you want, exchange the clothes you don't like or don't accept them. Get counseling for your codependency. Grow up and be an independent adult, if you want, or continue this cycle if you don't want to.

Beachsidesunset · 26/07/2022 11:36

Watch Drop Dead Fred.

Original poster
RainCloud · 26/07/2022 12:01

coffeeisthebest · 26/07/2022 11:26

Why are you giving her so much control over your life if you are this frustrated? Don't accept the money, buy the house you want, exchange the clothes you don't like or don't accept them. Get counseling for your codependency. Grow up and be an independent adult, if you want, or continue this cycle if you don't want to.

I'm just venting.

She doesn't have control. I'm just sick of all the moaning.

I don't do my hair like she wants it. The clothing is given to charity.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 26/07/2022 12:12

Have you tried laughing at her OP. It might make you feel better. It might actually make her stop?

MrsGarveyTheSecond · 26/07/2022 12:16

Do not accept the money, she will have a hold over you forever
Crack on and buy the house you want to buy, with your hard earned
As for saying about your hair just repeat 'thankyou for your input but I like it how it is'
The crappy clothes can go to the charity shop, it's her money she's wasting

MrsGarveyTheSecond · 26/07/2022 12:17

My Mither is a pain in the arse as well
And no, that's not a spelling mistake.......

11Hawkins · 26/07/2022 12:18

Can you not just stop talking about the house move with her? When it's yours just be like "I got the house." That way she has no control/can't Meddle.

ToadiesCouzin · 26/07/2022 12:35

Even if you're only sick of the moaning, you don't need to put up with the moaning. One of the benefits of adulthood is that we can choose who we spend our time with, and how much time we give. If she's mentally draining, just don't give her so much of your time. Meet up less frequently, and ignore some of her calls. If she notices and asks why you're doing this, tell her. It might make her think, and she might be less moany. Or she won't change, but at least you'll have to put up with less of the moaning.

Lobelia123 · 26/07/2022 12:45

Sounds like she's deliberately trying to push you down....insisting on a worse house than the one you like....and trying to dim your attractiveness with frumpy clothes and short hair. I'd have a sober think about the patterns emerging and keep her at arms length....it doesnt sound like she wants you to succeed or shine in any way. It almost sounds like she's jealous of you / feels competitive towards you??

Mary46 · 26/07/2022 12:59

I think some still try to control their adult kids... going forward dont tell her much. My mother is hard work. What age op

Hbh17 · 26/07/2022 13:04

Stop telling her things! Just buy the house you want and then let her know when it's a done deal and you have actually moved in.

cushioncovers · 26/07/2022 13:13

My father is like this and I'm 52. Over the last few years I have set strict boundaries over what I will allow him to have an input on, I also just don't reply to many of his ridiculous comments. I can't change him so have given up trying. I have learnt not to react to his behaviour instead.

coffeeisthebest · 26/07/2022 14:36

RainCloud · 26/07/2022 12:01

I'm just venting.

She doesn't have control. I'm just sick of all the moaning.

I don't do my hair like she wants it. The clothing is given to charity.

Show quote history

Oh gotcha, my mistake then. I must have been confused when you titled it controlling mother

ElegantlyTouched · 26/07/2022 15:13

Mine was the same. Desperate to be deeply enmeshed, couldn't not see me as a younger version of her. She was convinced I spent my life deliberately going against her rather than doing things I wanted to do - if she didn't want to do something why would I? If I was I. The house with her I had to be with her all the time, no spending time alone in my bedroom. Suffocating.

inthisworld · 26/07/2022 15:14

ToadiesCouzin · 26/07/2022 12:35

Even if you're only sick of the moaning, you don't need to put up with the moaning. One of the benefits of adulthood is that we can choose who we spend our time with, and how much time we give. If she's mentally draining, just don't give her so much of your time. Meet up less frequently, and ignore some of her calls. If she notices and asks why you're doing this, tell her. It might make her think, and she might be less moany. Or she won't change, but at least you'll have to put up with less of the moaning.

This

Original poster
RainCloud · 26/07/2022 15:40

Lobelia123 · 26/07/2022 12:45

Sounds like she's deliberately trying to push you down....insisting on a worse house than the one you like....and trying to dim your attractiveness with frumpy clothes and short hair. I'd have a sober think about the patterns emerging and keep her at arms length....it doesnt sound like she wants you to succeed or shine in any way. It almost sounds like she's jealous of you / feels competitive towards you??

My friend said this. Her mother is similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainCloud · 26/07/2022 15:41

MrsGarveyTheSecond · 26/07/2022 12:17

My Mither is a pain in the arse as well
And no, that's not a spelling mistake.......

I might start calling her this to my bro and sis. I'm sure they'd find it amusing.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 26/07/2022 15:55

How bloody irritating.

On here is a great place to vent though, so that you can keep laughing at her.

I'd probably stop sharing with her to be honest, especially if I wasn't in the mood to listen to her shit.

She's found a house she prefers? Tell her that she can buy it for herself and live in it! You will be pressing on ahead with the purchase of the one you like. Don't accept her offer of money. It will have strings attached.

Complains about your clothes and whinges when you won't wear the awful ones she buys? Tell her if she likes those clothes so much then she should wear them, but you won't be. You'll look forward to seeing them on her though.

MintJulia · 26/07/2022 15:56

I moved away from mine, scanned my calls, rang her once a week for 20 mins immediately before an evening class, so had a hard stop, and frequently worked abroad so I was thousands of miles away and on a different time zone.

She refused to ring me there because of the cost. Thankfully she never worked out Whatsapp, but it infuriated her that work came first, that if she rang my office she wasn't put straight through, and that no-one saw her as a priority during working hours.

I adopted a policy of telling her nothing that wasn't already booked, bought, underway or finished. And mostly, I didn't tell her about those. Sometimes you need to be firm & methodical. 😃

takeitandleaveit · 26/07/2022 16:07

'She was convinced I spent my life deliberately going against her rather than doing things I wanted to do'

This is really insightful @ElegantlyTouched and I can see exactly what you mean! My late DM was like this - I can see it now, looking back. They don't seem to have any concept of the fact that you are a separate entity with your own likes and dislikes, and they take it as some sort of slight when you're not who they think you should be.

Flossiemoss · 26/07/2022 16:36

I can relate to most of this especially the bit about them feeling you go against them on purpose. I’ve reduced what I tell mine now. Db hasn’t got the hang of it yet and I’m still shocked at how much opinion my parents feel they should have on his life.

when I was young one of the favourite games was to say who db and I took after in terms of looks and character . I could never just be myself. I always had to be like someone else. Did anyone else have this? It’s not a game I have repeated with mine. They are allowed to be themselves. It’s only when I look back I realise how damaging that game was.

Original poster
RainCloud · 26/07/2022 17:52

when I was young one of the favourite games was to say who db and I took after in terms of looks and character . I could never just be myself. I always had to be like someone else. Did anyone else have this? It’s not a game I have repeated with mine. They are allowed to be themselves. It’s only when I look back I realise how damaging that game was.

Yes! And I'd never really thought of it like that before.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 26/07/2022 18:21

Yes I've also stopped telling my father a lot of things and I've also stopped asking for his advice on stuff.

creamwitheverything · 26/07/2022 18:53

In my opinion the more you involve her in your life and decisions the more in she feels she has , The problem here is easily fixed, Stop telling her things ,tell her only things either after the event or what you want her to know , It is up to you as an adult to set boundaries adult to adult , You are letting her involve herself by being too open,It is not a healthy relationship you have got going, She can only comment on what you allow her to know, You can;t involve her as much as it seems you do then expect her not to have an opinion really,Sort out what you want to do,do it then if you feel the need to share it with her then it do so..so say for example I have decided on my house and put an offer in or my offer has been accepted I am so pleased.,thats all you need to do,its done ,no arguments ,no aggro end of story! Trust me I speak from experience its the only way and remind yourself you stopped being a ittle girl having to answer to anybody a long time ago, And be truly independant and never ever take any money from her...

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