Dreading this funeral

[goodmorningcampers]

Funeral coming up of close family member . I'm planning to take part in the eulogy if I can summon the courage to pay tribute.

Sad thing is what I'm dreading and is taking over my thoughts from the bereavement is the family situation.

Quite a large family, numerous family members not on speaking terms. Grudges that have been held for years. It's quite toxic and lots of resentment bubbling.

I'm thinking I'd like some medication to get me through. But I don't want to be completely out of it. I need to be lucid as I'll be supporting teenage DC's.
I'm probably being ridiculous and need to get a grip.

Any advice or experiences ?
Thank you x

Maybe best not to take anything, or drink alcohol at the wake as it can just heighten emotions.

Keep your head high, acknowledge people but don't feel you need to to engage with them beyond a polite greeting, sorry for your loss etc.

Would it be weird to wear sunglasses so you don't have to make eye contact?

If you are in touch with the person making the arrangements, could you offer to take part in the service - a reading or poem - if you don't feel up to saying something personal?

Sorry, meant to say I have name changed. Has a similar situation recently and did just that. Let off steam in the car travelling between venues!

It's not easy writing a eulogy. It can take quite a long time to do the research to get the facts exactly right and the opinions and perspectives fair and accurate. That's especially important if you don't want the family factions snapping at you for getting xyz wrong. But ultimately it's your eulogy about your relative.

If you want the eulogy to be a bit more bland and vague you can always ask the vicar to write and deliver it, but you will have to give some kind of briefing.

You should have at least 2 weeks between death and funeral, possibly more. But it's important to get going.

Perhaps the people with the grudges won't be invited, or won't come?

If you have a leading role to play in the funeral including a public speech, it would be best to try to manage without medication, at least until afterwards.

Sorry for your loss.💐

Hi thanks for the replies.
Sunglasses is a great idea I never thought of . I don't think its weird and I think it will help , even if its just to have them to hand if I want to pop them on.
My thoughts at the moment are not to do the full eulogy myself. I'm not up to it . But I'm currently writing a short personal tribute that I may read out or ask the vicar to read on my behalf. I'm also looking at poems as I think I could definitely manage a poem myself.
The grudges will be there for certain , even the ones who had beef with the deceased. Bloody nightmare they are.

@Toxicfamily sorry for your loss too.

I've tried rescue remedy when I was at court once but it never scratched the surface. Alcohol would be a disaster I absolutely need to refrain from that (until the evening !)

Don't do the eulogy. Funerals are for the living, use the time to feel sad about your loss and try and remember the good times.

My Dad's funeral was organised by my narcissist Mother. She did a eulogy and let my brother do a eulogy at the Catholic service and me and my other siblings were instructed to do more mini eulogies at the crematorium.

I honestly look back and cringe at how pompous it must have looked. I am NC with my Mother now and one of the main reasons is that I cannot experience another funeral planned by her.

I don't want to be with her alive or dead...

Just chunk up the day and manage to just get through each part.

Have a couple of exit strategies and timeouts up your sleeve.

So “pre-church” (if it’s a church) - decide to get there first and have a seat at the front. Or last if that’s better.

Need to use the loo at the “hanging about bits” putting coffin in hearse.

Hang back at burial / crem.

Seek eye contact early and first with difficult people (get in first) - then it’s done.

Decide who you need to swerve.
Decide what you will never say.

Have some strategies for snippy comments - eg deep breath (everyone will be on edge) let it pass and move away? Be aware you might be triggered but your dignity and silence is your superpower.

@Minimalme I'm sorry you have this memory of your Dads funeral. It's my Dads funeral that I'm talking about here and I want to do him proud but not be pompous.

@DFOD I will definitely use these strategies as its going to be a long day . I'll be arriving in the funeral car, its church then crem, then wake . I can brazen this out . I'm feeling more empowered already thank you .

You will do him proud op, I definitely didn't mean doing a reading is pompous, sorry if it came across like that.

My Mother is a toxic person and I regret letting her push me around, even at my Dad's funeral.

Just do what you are comfortable with - your Dad will have loved you as you are.

Decide what you will never say
This , and dignity will be key

Thank you @Minimalme 🤗

I did the eulogy at my Dad's funeral and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I'm so glad I did it. My mum and brother wouldn't have been able to and I didn't want anyone else to. Dad deserved one of us to do it for him. It was the least I could do.

Preparing it was tough going though. Mum seemed to want to include all sorts of snippy comments and passive aggressive remarks about various members of the congregation (not naming them directly but as part of anecdotes from Dad's life) and obviously emotions were all over the place at the time. It took all my strength to remain calm but literally just say "I'm not comfortable saying that. Give me the facts you want me to include and I will put them into my own words and read it all back to you beforehand for approval'.

Do you have a DP you can confide in/cry on/ rant to? Or a close friend? I got through my just absorbing all the crap coming at me from DM and DB and not answering back. I then offloaded it out onto DH who knew it wasn't personal.

As for the day itself, it was a bit of a blur really. Tempting as it is, definitely don't have a drink first. Deep breaths and find a hand to squeeze.

I'm sorry for your loss.