Stuck in the middle of a family argument.

[User737382747374]

I tend to stay away from drama. Very much the peacemaker.

Several months ago my mother and her sibling, my aunt had a fall out. Nothing serious just a petty drunken argument over the festive period I believe - we had covid so wasn't there. They haven't spoken since.

I love my mum but I know she can be toxic, I'm sure she was the ring leader but acts like the victim in everything.

I do get on with my aunt. She's similar to me, keeps herself to herself. Apparently she's repeatedly texted my and tried calling my mum to make peace to no avail. My mum isn't very forgiving.

my grandma said the argument was over something silly like cleaning up at Christmas or something.

life is too short to hold grudges over ridiculous things.

anyway, I'm stuck in the middle. My mum is my num but I like my aunt too. She never met anyone and never had children (as much as she wanted to) so she is very fond of my two dc and likes to come over and visit but if my mum finds out all hell breaks loose. I don't tell her but sometimes my kids will mention it (they are young and love great aunt) or my aunt will tell my grandma or whatever.

aunt brought a card over for my DD's birthday and I'm a nervous wreck my mum will find out.

my mum gets jealous my aunt sees my two but not my teen brother but my mother isn't allowing her sister around so what is she meant to do?

she's told my kids that their great aunt is a bad lady beforr and they can't see her. She really isn't and my mum saying that is ridiculous. they just have a very on/off relationship and seem to wind each other up . It's not the first time they've fallen out and won't be the last.

I just want to see both without making me feel guilty. All my mum does is bitch about aunt but aunt doesn't do the same. If anything she looks so sad because my mum has made it difficult with them both seeing grandma and my mum won't be there at the same time! My grandma is also stuck between them and loves them both.

I am nto taking sides but I can understand how difficult my mum is!

to add, I'm autistic and I hate conflict and arguing. It really triggers me. I feel like this is nothing to do with me but feel like I'm involved and scared my of my mother's reactions tbh!

You’re an adult.

Uou need to say to your mum that you won’t take sides and won’t hear of Aunty being bad mouthed.

Tell her you will see both of them equally.

You need to make it plain to your dm that her argument with your aunt is nothing to do with you and you will not be stopping your aunt from visiting.
Put your dc first and if your dm has a hissy fit ignore her.
She’s bullying you and you can’t let it go on.

If your mum brings it up, tell her you and your aunt have a relationship which is completely separate to hers and you'd rather not talk about it. Just repeat "i am not going to talk to you about x".

absolutely but problem is my mother sees it that I should stop speaking to her and side with her but that's not me. I told her to not bad mouth her to my kids as it's not their fault.

I risk my mother turning on me if I speak up too much! My grandma is scared of her too! You feel like you can't say anything out of line!

Stop being afraid of your mum tell her you are keeping out of it as it’s not your argument!! Imagine a world where you had to fall out with everyone your mother did??

if you can’t tell her face to face just text her

hi mum, I know you and aunt have fell out but I don’t want to be involved in it. I still might see aunt from time to time, live user xxx

We’ll go with - I’ll see who I like.

Belive me these people soon get fed up of themselves - everyone knows what she’s like - stick to your guns.

Just be honest? I want kids to see aunty - they enjoy her company!

Your Dm is the one being unreasonable here. Continue to see your aunt as usual and when the subject comes up tell Dm you haven't fell out with your aunt then refuse to say any more on the subject.

You are totally right. It isn't the first time either. According to my mum I've had to stop speaking to a lot of people oher the years, sometimes I had friends at school, she fell out with the parents and I couldn't be friends with them anymore!

thankfully I actually live a bit further afield now so it makes things somewhat easier! Not too far away but not too close either 😅

I'd say to whichever one might raise the issue of the argument with you "I'm an adult. If you have a disagreement with X that is your issue to deal with. I don't take sides in things like this. I will not be dragged into a disagreement that I have nothing to do with. No I don't want to hear anything more about it."

Time to be your own woman!

Gosh this must be so awful for you, hope you are ok. My two best friends fell out with each other about 4 years ago and still don’t speak to each other - it has been so difficult for me as I love them both dearly but both think that I shouldn’t be seeing the other one! It is hard I know, my only advice would be to just not get involved and let them get in with it and if your DM asks just say yes I do see my Aunty as it is not my battle. Good luck - hopefully it will all resolve by itself

Your Mum is bullying you and her own Mother.
Don't let her spoil your lovely relationship with your Aunt.
Stand up to her... she has more to lose than you.

Your mum can’t stop you from seeing anyone you want to - you’re an adult, it’s none of her budibess.

All she can do is what she does do - badmouth people (your aunt, possibly you?) and make your life a bit unpleasant by “falling out” with you.

It’s up to you if you accept that treatment from her. I know she’s your mum, but that doesn’t mean you need to tolerate any abuse or bad behaviour from her. Stand up for yourself.