Do people lie to themselves frequently?

[lightand]

Probably being naive.

People lie to themselves often?
Try and deceive themselves often?
Are in denial about things often?

I cant see the point myself, but is that what many people go around doing?
And do they succeed in lying to themselves?

Person A does not lie out loud to people. Well, not in my hearing.

I think people can benefit from self reflection solitude and time alone and being authentic and true to themselves. Then they will have no need to lie to themselves or to others. A lot of people are just caught up in their life though and only surviving so have no time for this.

Unless it's a smear campaign against you, then do not attempt to set the record straight. That's the standard advice for dealing with these types.

Just carrying on living your drug-free, debt-free, goal-focused life, and in a decade ''The Truth'' will be clear to everybody.

That's not very satisfying though, I get that. I've been on the receiving end of a smear campaign.

Defend yourself legally if required of course but do not get drawn in to ''finding six people'' to ........... dispute her version of events, to confront her, challenge her............ There's just no point. You'll end up attacked and upset.

I think there are a group of people with questionable morals eg they see a coat/bag/money lying around and they like/want it. So they convince (lie to) themselves that it is truly lost, there’s no way to find the owner and if they hand it in, it will only be kept by someone else, so they might as well keep it.

Then there’s the other sort like my STBEXH who so desperately need to think of themselves as perfect and such a good guy, they can’t admit to being wrong or behaving badly in ANY way. It has led to him point blank denying something he said and did that had another witness. I still can’t work out if that was deliberate lying just to score a point with me, or he had rewritten history and actually believed himself.

Humans lie to themselves constantly! Our capacity for self deception never ceases to amaze me.

I think I do it slightly less than most (hence my lifelong depression), but I’m sure I still do it, because it appears to be a human trait.

I think that we all remember things differently, eg two people present at the same event will describe it completely differently, especially if it was a while ago. And our own memories tend to be kinder towards ourselves. Neither of the two people are lying, as they genuinely remember it to be like that. Is that the kind of thing you mean OP?

@HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld I agree, funnily enough I also believe that I do it less than other people (!) but that's because the lies I was telling myself were that my family loved me. Now I see that I'm a 2d person to them. I'm the part they wrote and no more. They have projected so much on to me over the years and disallowed me from having any reaction at all, so I've been anxious for about 47 years. Getting through it now.

But yeh, the human brain avoids pain, that's its default so it lies all the time.

I feel like I'm honest with myself now, at least I'm open to the possibility that I'm not and I'm curious about what my blindspot(s) are.

My ex, and my mother, they receive ZERO feedback, ever, because they are blameless.

I read a book by Dr Joseph Brugo, defence mechanisms. It was really good.

@CantaloupeMelon No, But thank you anyway.

@TreePoser Not a smear, and not legal thankfully. Still fancy my get 6 people idea! But will think carefully first.

@HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld Hope your depression goes away.

@sleepymum50 Oh yes. Person A hates to admit to being in the wrong. I think they know they are not perfect though.

@HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld and my mother and my ex both seemed invincible. They never sit around feeling embarrassed or full of regret or embarrassment or wishing they'd tried harder or handled something better, or just not said something stupid or insensitive. So they are spared all of that introspection and anxiety.

I'm ok now. I don't spend my life poring over everything I said and did and how it was perceived. I'm so much better. But I'll never come close that forcefield of denial that both my mother and my x have.

It really does protect them from a lot of emotions.

My mother does feel the victim of me atm so it's not that it protects her from every emotion. But it definitely protects her from everything except self-pity. Which she enjoys.

It's entirely possible this person you're dealing with sincerely believes something that you know to be false. It's also likely that no matter what evidence you present to them, they will find some reason to reject it.

My mother will deny she said something even when presented with the written message in which she said it. "Oh that's not what I meant, you misunderstood, you're too sensitive, etc". I know people at work who sincerely believe they're working harder than everyone else and are more productive, even when they're objectively not - they excuse it by saying "oh well I'm in a different role than they are, oh I'm dealing with this other thing as well which explains my lack of productivity, oh no one notices all the other things I do".

The only thing you can do is distance yourself as much as possible. You will never be able to get them to admit that what they believe is wrong, just hope they figure it out themselves over time.

(The above doesn't apply if you're this person's line manager or parent, by the way - then you do have an obligation to help them realise the truth!)

No one lies to themselves. They unashamedly lie to others and are so ruthless with it that people can’t believe what they’re doing. To make it more understandable others look for reasoning. Surely they must believe this themselves???
They don’t. They know they are lying.

I think we all do this to a certain extent, but in some, it is quite breathtakingly significant. I think we all generally think we're good people, so even the people who do horrible thing manage to justify their actions to themselves.

I know a few whose image of themselves is seriously skewed, but the ones I know well have made me realise that they really do believe their lies to be true. Some of their memories are factually incorrect. Every memory is twisted to show themselves in the best light. They will deny saying/doing bad stuff because they have somehow deleted that memory, because it's too much to process.

I don't know if there's a term for people like this, but in my experience they tend to be a bit spoilt/have narcissistic tendencies.

My mother thinks she’s god
and god (pun intended) if you don’t agree she will go out of her way to hurt you

my manager thinks of herself as a caring,unselfish,listening person-who bleats ‘my door is always open and I have listening caring ears’
in real life,I’d rather eat my own kidneys than go to her with a problem-she’s a nasty,selfish and bitchy woman who will gossip any problems to us all

i have a friend who thinks she’s gods gift to men-and they all fancy her
shes really not-and they don’t

@sleepymum50 Oh yes. Person A hates to admit to being in the wrong. I think they know they are not perfect though.

there's a harriet lerner quote I'm going to search for. Something along the lines of ''the person who is the most defensive is the one who is standing on the narrowest platform of self-worth''.

They'll never admit it though.

@Xiaoxiong Yes you are right. Person A would deny in those ways, when given the evidence.

@TreePoser They never sit around feeling embarrassed or full of regret or embarrassment or wishing they'd tried harder or handled something better, or just not said something stupid or insensitive

Didnt realise before this thread, just how twisted the person is.
Nor how difficult the whole thing is. And deep.

Lots of people do. Think back to Brexit/Covid. How many people turned into hate-ridden spite mongers, pouring torrents of hatred onto anyone who disagreed with them. I am sure all of those people would consider themselves to be good, nice people.

Addicts are a group who can’t reconcile reality with their addiction so lie to themselves.

Society has alot to do with it- 30 years ago snobbery, racism and homophobia were the norm- so someone could be all of the above and tell themselves they were acting normally.

We all see other people through a lense based on our own perceptions and reality. So a mother might think she’s doing an excellent job, working hard to keep her kids clothed fed and entertained. That child might be lonely, bullied and feel angry. Neither are wrong. What’s different is their perception of the situation.

This is bonkers op. Yes everyone lies to themselves all the time. You certainly are no exception. Everyone is the star of their own lives. Everyone has an inflated idea of their own importance. Have you seriously never thought things like 'I did my best' 'I tried my hardest' 'I would never hurt him' ' I'll do it soon' 'Im not a gossip' 'I always treat others well' Never met you but would stake my house that none of these things are true.

I think its a true thing that the only person who can change a person is themselves and they have to want to do it. You can get six, a dozen, a million people to tell them that what they believe is true is not, and it honestly will not do a bit of good if they are not open to hearing it....and if they are open to hearing it then one person will be enough. The only choice that YOU have in the matter is whether to be involved with them or not.

There are people out there who just can't cope if their false narrative isn't Gospel and their sham of a life isn't the exemplary one because their ego won't survive the truth. They've been taught, early on, to lie to themselves, to others; to portray a life to others rather than to live a life in truth. In a way, they are always on stage and so life is a bit scripted and false and presented in the best light possible. They apportion blame left, right, and centre because taking responsibility doesn't fit their character. And taking ownership of one's shit is just way too much truth to handle. Some of us live life on life's terms. Others just live Muller life... all lite and shite with added sweeteners, bullshit, and no substance.
The thing about such people is that they know they're lying. I think it's hard to live inside that kind of head.
We all lie to ourselves. But OP, you're talking about pathological narcissists, I believe: Those who go around snowjobbing everyone. And they have to drink their own Koolaid to survive.

There are people out there who just can't cope if their false narrative isn't Gospel and their sham of a life isn't the exemplary one because their ego won't survive the truth

Because of this thread, I am thinking Person A is this.
They have created a narrative. And true, their ego will not survive otherwise.
I think deep down, they know they behave far from perfectly. Well, at least some of the time. To both parts.

And taking ownership of one's shit is just way too much truth to handle.

And definitely this. Thank you @TheVanguardSix

I think there are lots of people who just don't care OP.

Is this person maintaining something that is demonstrably not true? eg they say they have a doctorate in physics when in fact they don’t.

or is it more a case of perspective/ opinion/ judgement? e.g. they say they were a good parent/ friend to you and you disagree with that analysis.

Not the first sentence.

Not quite the second either.

It is a whole bunch of things.
Will leave out massive things out of a "story", to the point that the other person goes away with completely the wrong impression of something. That happens a lot.

They give deliberate[well i think it must be deliberate] wrong impressions. As the "good" bits are left in, and the "bad" things are nowhere to be found. Not mentioned. Hidden.