Forgiveness. Yes or no?

[ACanoeForAShoe]

If your own mother told a lie about you to protect herself, a damaging lie which resulted in other family members condemning you, could you forgive?

If the other family members knew it was a lie but chose not to speak up, could you forgive them?

Not a minor lie, but a life changing, esteem shattering lie. Would you re build a life with them?

How long would it take you to forgive?

My dm told a lie which altered the course of my life at 19. Tbh I never forgave her. Ime of your i dm betrays you there is no comeback for the relationship
Been nc for 20 years. Not a direct result of the lie but after a true picture of her what was left?

@Hotenoughtoburnasausage I’m sorry to read you have been through it too. It’s heartbreaking and the betrayal changes you as a person.

It has been a long time since it happened to me but I’m really struggling with the lingering resentment which hasn’t really gone away. I still have contact with my family but I want to pull away because I can’t get over it. My family are telling me I’m being spoilt and dramatic; but it didn’t happen to them. How can they ever understand?

No because mines a selfish, nasty person who would do the same thing again and again if it meant looking out for number 1.

No. Absolutely not. I don't have relationships with people I can't trust. That's a perfectly reasonable boundary to maintain, and no amount of drama or blackmail will induce me to compromise it. Actions have consequences.

Has your mum ever apologised for it and admitted to others that she lied? If she hasn't done anything to rectify it then i couldn't forgive her. You don't owe anyone forgiveness.

It has never been mentioned again. No apology; they’ve all moved on.

On the other hand there’s me who has moved on but hasn’t forgotten. I’m quite sensitive now towards any criticism from my family as I spent so long thinking they believed the lie and assumed I was an awful person. (It came out a long time later that they in fact knew it was a lie).

My family think I’m living in the past and need to move on and don’t understand why I’m so resentful.

@Greensleeves that’s an excellent way of putting it. I need to get to this point. I’m struggling so much with it right now; the betrayal, the loss of family and wondering if things would have been different if it never happened.

The one family member I had left and who I thought understood, brought up in an argument recently that they thought I was dramatic and need to get over it. I’m so angry all over again, it didn’t happen to them.

They want you to move on so they can feel more comfortable. Life doesn't work that way. If you do shitty things to people then you cannot expect them to exonerate you so you can feel better about yourself.

If you can't, aren't ready to or just don't want to forgive them then that is your right. They don't get to demand you move on.

I don’t think you will ever get over it if there’s never been an apology or any kind of acceptance of the hurt they have collectively caused you.

Some people seem willing to lie more easily than others, especially if it’s to get themselves out of a jam. It sounds as if your family just don’t want to deal with it. They are telling you to get over it, not because you are being unreasonable, but because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their actions.

it’s up to you what you do, but if you go no contact with your family I wouldn’t blame you. Would it help if you sent an email to everyone concerned, your mother, the family members who condemned you and the ones who knew it was a lie.

write the whole saga out as you know it (in case anyone doesn’t know the whole story). Perhaps add in how it has affected you and how you felt/feel. Cc everyone and hit send. Then be willing to walk away from the whole sorry lot.

@sleepymum50 Putting it all down in writing would be a great idea but I fear it will make things worse. I would happily walk away as what I have now is constantly triggering.

DM has since been diagnosed with a terminal illness and I’m battling with my feelings (does that make me an awful person?) I feel angry I’m supposed to be sad and grieving like my family but all I feel is my anger and I feel uncomfortable around my family. I don’t feel a part of their family; it’s very them and me.

I’m expected to feel sad and care for DM but I can’t help thinking how she could do that to me . Her DC. The grief just isn’t there and I feel like a damaged person.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She only thought about herself and how other people could be of use to her.

I was at the stage of going very low contact then she died suddenly. She was 86.
I was shocked, but not very grief stricken.

I hate to say it but her death bought relief. All that anger dissipated I was finally able to let it go.

Maybe that will happen to you. I’m not suggesting the anger about the rest of the family will go, but it may help a bit.

Imo forgiveness is just another word for coming to terms with something. Holding a grudge only hurts you, it's like a fish hook that ties you together but hook is in you. The other person is usually oblivious to how much their betrayal hurts you. You can forgive and still stay NC.

Good Lord, no. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine not putting my children first.

I do have a DC myself now and when I look at her it makes me feel physically ill to think of ever hurting her in the way I was.