What happens if you start talking about abuse in childhood? (TW abuse)

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I saw a consultant this week who asked me a few questions about childhood and I found myself telling her some things I’ve never discussed with another person, ever . She told me I was describing sexual abuse and other forms of abuse and neglect, and asked if she could contact my GP and refer me into specialist trauma services .

One of my parents is terminally ill, the other I have a very, very strained relationship with . I feel like I’m betraying them by saying they made mistakes and didn’t always get it right .

I’m also finding myself questioning a lot about what actually happened and if it was abuse . It was
more an enormous lack of boundary setting and not always hands on abuse .

A very close friend knows a lot of details and her take on it was that it was wrong but at least one parent was themselves very mentally unwell and abused themselves, and not therefore able to change what was happening and not acting out of malice but out of fear on their part .

That parent told me very graphic details about their own experiences that were presented to me almost as punishment eg when I asked to wear a strappy top age 8 and tantrumed in a shop - ‘shall I tell you why we don’t wear clothes like that, because this happens next?’ etc . Similar happened right up until my teens and early 20s .

I’m inclined to agree with my friend that they couldn’t control it, but it has had an enormous effect on me and I’m left to deal with the after effects alone .

I have a sibling who has suggested too that they were uncomfortable with things but to best of my knowledge they’ve never discussed it with anyone . I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them .

Would it be left at just me talking to a therapist, kept confidential etc? The things I’m confused about now happened 25 years ago .

I’m sorry about your experiences OP but someone having mental health issues or having been abused themselves is not an excuse for them to then carry out abuse. Exposing children to inappropriate sexual content is sexual abuse, it doesn’t have to include touching. You shouldn’t feel you have to sweep this under the carpet for some misguided sense of loyalty to parents who failed to protect you. Therapy would be a good first step.

Oh gosh please take any help and support offered. I have had some longer term counselling (not the 6 week cbt one) for trauma andnit has really helped. I wasnt offered it on the nhs though it was a charity. Id grasp with both hands any offered to you.

Fwiw both my parents were abusive. One was mentally unwell/adict and its "understandable" why she was the way she was. However counselling is for YOU. YOU deserved a functioning parent while you were a child.

Seeing my children grow up has retriggered so many of my memories. Being able to talk it over and call it what it was can help so much.

Would it be left at just me talking to a therapist, kept confidential etc? The things I’m confused about now happened 25 years ago .

Are you asking if it would become a police or social services issue? Do you mean would the counsellor report it?

Yes, there was addiction too, they were addicted to over the counter cocodamol at one stage .

Consultant said she’s referred me to a specific sexual violence service for assessment, but that assessment can take up to three months .

I felt terrible saying things out loud but they didn’t always get it right, they made mistakes and things happened that never should have happened .

I ended up displaying what would be termed problematic sexual behaviour myself in my teens that was never dealt with at all, and as an adult find I spend an enormous amount of time feeling ashamed, dirty almost and guilty, and absolutely terrified of talking despite knowing I really need to .

Yes - I’m scared it would be reported and family would find out .

OK I can understand that. Do they have a lot of contact with children now? Are they still harming children in the same way?

The likelihood is that unless there is a risk to children now, they will go with what your feelings are. So if you want to report, they will support that. If you don't, they will support that.

A therapist will keep your confidence, they can only break confidentiality under very limited circumstances.

and your parents could help what they did. I had an abusive childhood and I work bloody hard to give my DS a good childhood. Your parents could and should have sought help for their issues not passed them onto you.

No, no contact with children at all, no risk of harm at all.

Thank you, that puts my mind at rest a bit .

All the very best. It's a hard road dealing with childhood trauma but it's worth it.

I will offer a virtual hug (very unlike me!).

Thank you

I second this, a long, hard route (I am still in the early days) but very worth it. Good luck OP

Think of it as you as an adult taking your mistreated child to speak with the adult they needed when you were young. Hopefully over time you will become the adult voice that your inner child so badly needed back then. This isn't about anyone else, I agree that a therapist will only break confidence if there is immediate risk of harm to self or others. This is about you. Don't worry too much about whether or not you label it as abuse, at this point it is enough to know that you were mistreated and also that there are ripple effects of that throughout our lives. Good luck.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense .

I remember asking them once why and they said it was because they were uncomfortable. The thing that I’m thinking about seems so small and insignificant bjt when you add it up to other things you realise there’s an awful lot .

The appointment I had was with gynaecology, talking about extreme anxiety around sex and relationships . I never expected to end up telling her all that I did . The trouble is once you start an awful lot comes back .

Yes, I experienced that too. That I had opened a flood gate and i couldn't go back, and it changed how I saw my family forever. And myself. The problem is that if we don't open things up, we are destined to unconsciously repeat, and I got to a point where that scared me more. I think you wrote something about your parents not knowing what they were doing, and although they may have had little awareness of their impact, it doesn't mean it didn't have a massive one of you. And each child deserves and needs to feel loved and safe and accepted. So anything outside of this can lead to all manner of issues in later life. It is a bloody difficult path tho, and very lonely at times, but I try to remind myself of the lonely child I was, who I am trying to give a voice to now. And in essence it stops mattering what other people think, it boils down to how you felt about what happened to you and what was the emotional environment that you were raised in.

It was when I was helped to wash/dry, I was ‘tickled’ ‘there’ but I don’t know if other parents do/did that, iyswim. When I questioned it ‘I felt nervous and uncomfortable drying you’ which seems so small to worry about but as part of a pattern I don’t know .

They would be dreadfully upset that it had bothered me in any way, friend said she was genuinely convinced it had all come out of their own experiences and said chaotic home etc., and that because they weren’t supported properly there’s been this huge knock on effect on me as a result .

It does bother me though when I got older and think back, and being told details of their own abuse and horribly graphic stuff that I’ve never ever been able to block out of my mind … that bothered me too . I used to have dodge around their triggers - there were so many - which is very difficult for a child or teenager to do, and I’d feel so horrendously guilty if I messed up . I wish for both of our sake that they’d got the help they needed but too late now for them, I suppose not too late for me though .

not too late for me though

It isn't.

Yup remembering to dodge their triggers. And as an adult for years I was still spending hours each day mentally trying to work out how to tryto become someone they might like/talk to which now seems ridiculous but until counselling was where I was at without realising.

Consultant said she’s referred me to a specific sexual violence service for assessment, but that assessment can take up to three months .

• This is so worth the wait. They will be so experienced with other people who have had similar situations and so much better than the bog standard 6 weeks cbt. (which doesnt really help trauma)


• Please please accept this knowing its something you can give the "child you". And then work out how you feel about it when you get there!


• which is exactly why you need to do this. Really. It's like magic. I had 6 months or so where I kept telling stories "and they did this/ and that/ and dI didnt have xyz/this happened" without even talking about the BIG stuff, and wondered if I was getting anywhere. And then one week realised the talking Out Loud about it meant I could name it. Calling it abuse and recognising it for what it was made its power over me so so much smaller and lifted the ashamed/dirty feeling. I now feel sorry for the child me and realise how awful it was. I don't give certain family members a second thought now. I still see the addict/mentally ill one but I know she's unwell - like visiting a sick person, her words have so little power.


• I used to relive stuff so much. Its amazing even now 2 years later to look back and realise I used to obsess over each conversation and so much mental energy went there.

Anyway - you don't need all my details -I just wanted to share how genuinely life changing it can be. All people who have had trauma in childhood should get access to this xx

Thank you so much for writing all that out, that’s been a big help to read . I’ll definitely stick with it, I’ve had lots of therapy over the years but nothing ever seems to make a big difference - consultant said probably because they’ve never gotten to the root causes of things .

Bt the time I was given support, I was an adult and by that time everything was so deeply ingrained .

I recognise what you say re feeling sorry for the child you - I spend a lot of time angry with mine and find it very difficult to accept that things weren’t her/my fault .

Yes I spent a lot of time agonising over trying to remember that fairly normal things caused them horrendous distress and anger and then I’d end up feeling terrible . I wish they’d been able to access and work with appropriate support .

If no one is currently in danger from them it won't be reported

Thank you .