Am I Being Worried Over Nothing?

[SashayChantilly]

NDN and I both have 4 year old daughters who couldn’t be more different, personality wise. DD is very social. NDN’s DD (we’ll call her Maggie) only enjoys one-on-one playmates and won’t participate in any group activities.

Maggie and DD used to see each other almost every day when they were babies. As they got bigger, I started distancing DD. Maggie’s main mode of play was following DD around to see what toy DD wanted to play with, then grabbing it off of her and refusing to give it back, repeated infinitely until DD cried to go home. During the last few play dates (about six months ago) Maggie had progressed to unprovoked hitting with small, heavy toys. She slammed one of
those little toot toot cars down on DD’s flattened hand out of nowhere and from the scream I genuinely believed she had broken her fingers (she hadn’t). That’s the last time they played together.

I feel bad about it as Maggie always seemed very puzzled as to why DD was upset, and regularly asks about her. DD holds no grudges, sometimes asks if she can go out and play if Maggie is in her garden.

Anyway, we’re rural so the local primary school has small class sizes (each year will have about 15-20 kids.) DD is starting in September and so is Maggie.

As shy as Maggie can be, I’m really worried she might latch on to DD when they go to primary together. DD has never had a play date where Maggie hasn’t gone for her somehow. Sending her to another school isn’t an option. Am I worrying over nothing when there’s going to be 18 other kids in the class?

Replying at 02:07

Hi Sashay, you haven't really mentioned Maggie's mum. Did she ever witness her daughter's behaviour, and if so what did she do? Whether she saw Maggie's behaviour or not, have you spoken to her Mum about it? If you haven't spoken to her about it have you given your NDN are excuses about why your DD never plays with her any more, has she asked you? There seems to be either a lot of missed, yet needed communication between you and Maggie's DMum, or have you just not told us these things - I am sure that being an OP on a thread can be quite difficult, I have not yet been brave enough to do it!

I am reasonably certain that Maggie will make a bee line for your DD if she does not like to be social, as she will almost certainly feel overwhelmed on her first day - unless she has been going to a nursery school - and your DD will be either the only child she knows there, or one of a very few. I am glad that it sounds like your DD will be kind to her, and play with her. I think that the teacher and any TA's will be keeping an extra eye on the children in the early days, so that they can try and learn about their personalities as soon as possible, and one child deliberately hurting another child will (hopefully gently) not be tolerated.

If your DD has not been spending time with Maggie lately, then it is possible that Maggie has either grown out of that behaviour, but more hopefully, I hope that Maggies Mum, or another significant carer of hers, has explained to Maggie why that behaviour is not acceptable, and that - with expert help if necessary - Maggie has been taught to not behave like that. If Maggie is ever found to not be NT then that would obviously necessitate a lot more knowledgeable intervention for her and her family.

May I qualify that by saying that I am sure there must be lots of children who just have different characters, and need help, understanding, and guidance, on what constitutes acceptable behaviour, without them having a ND condition - but I am also extremely glad that the possibility of ND is understood and recognised these days, I wish it had been when I was a child.

So without more information from you @SashayChantilly telling us otherwise, I don't think you need to be too worried about them being in the same class. You will obviously, discretely, keep your own eye on the situation.

I don't think there's much point worrying if, as you say, there's nothing you can do about it. If I were you I'd cross the bridge when you come to it.

You could teach your DD some general skills like what to do when someone behaves unkindly towards her (saying stop it, telling a teacher etc). But otherwise I'd just keep it in the back of your mind as a potential problem and try not to worry too much.