DM - is this some sort of personality disorder, or is she just a twat...?

[Prangie]

I realise this is probably better suited to the Stately Homes thread, but I wasn't sure how much traffic it got. I also like how 'chat' isn't permanent!

This is about my DM. I have been increasingly shocked and upset by her, but also realised that this is not actually a new thing, I have just either not realised or, later, been in denial. It would be the most tedious post ever if I gave the hundred's of examples of the following behaviours, so I will try and put it into bullet points (and can always embellish if needs be.)

• She is NEVER wrong. No matter what the evidence, or the situation, it is not her fault. She has never said the wrong thing, or done the wrong thing, or behaved badly. She would rather throw herself under a bus than admit any responsibility in any wrongdoing.

• She is incredibly quick to point out, and repeat, if someone has done something wrong

• All 'jokes' are at someone else's expense, except on very rare occasions.

• She is immediately very upset (which either means she is nasty or tearful, or both!) if someone says something even vaguely critical of herself. The exception to this is if she can twist it to her being the victim.

• She will lie and manipulate situations in her favour without any limits. Things that she did 30 years ago she will still lie about and claim she either didn't, or it was not her fault (see point 1.) She doesn't care about the people involved or how bad it makes things for them, it is all about her saving face and, again, being the victim.

• She can be very thoughtful and considerate, and will do anything for her friends (although she can also be quite vocal to others about what she is doing.)

• She is very proud of her children, but cannot bring herself to be flattering about them if they are there apart from on very rare occasions.

• She has a lot of empathy, even if the words come out wrong sometimes.

• Being helpful or supportive has to be strictly on her terms rather than the person she is helping or supporting.

• She has very low self esteem which is often 'hidden' by being bolshy and rude. She also tends to point out the 'failures' of others that are better applied to herself.

• Her double standards are bonkers. She will be SO quick to criticise someone for doing a far milder version of something she does constantly herself.

• She likes to make elaborate gestures like throwing parties, but this can often seem as if it's for her benefit more than the people the parties are for.

Her whole life has been lived like this, including four marriages and divorces (all acrimonious) and many friendships.

Is this something like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is she just a.... ?

Oh my goodness Prangie. I thought for a minute I'd written a post and forgotten about it! I know my memory's bad but hopefully not that bad.
You are describing my DM exactly with many more things added (as you say, 100s more examples)
I'm currently having counselling, mainly because I just can't cope with her and her difficult ways, and of course she can't or won't understand what it's like to have had depression and anxiety for years (I wonder why!)
Although I really sympathise with you it's somehow comforting to know someone else is going through the same.

I think you're probably right about the narcissistic personality disorder.
I love her to bits but there is a limit.

No idea about your question, though your mum does sound extremely hard work.

Just wanted to tell you that chat isn’t temporary any more, you need the 30 days only topic for that now.

Thanks for the head up @Bhu Bhu, hopefully it'll get lost!

@Istillbelieve tell me more....?! I didn't to put lots of examples in my op as it's boring but can do later if needs be. You say you have issues due to your mum, but I am not 100% sure I do. I am very bad with confrontation, it makes me feel as if confronting means total curtains, but I don't have any other more pressing issues.
I hope that makes sense!

Difficult parents can be more of a death by a thousand cuts than obviously big, outrageous things. Plus you're close and it's your "normal" so it's hard to see objectively than it would be with someone like a manager.

Sounds exactly like my M.
Mine was impossible. In the end I decided it didn't matter if it was a personality disorder or just her being an arsehole. She was the same the whole time I knew her and she made most of my life a misery.
She died just over a year ago with no friends.

Thank you for replies so far, I may not respond soon as having dinner but this feels very therapeutic! (I also wonder if I am unwittingly talking to a sibling...!)

She has a lot of empathy, even if the words come out wrong sometimes

This doesn't tend to occur in people with NPD. However there is a scale and some people will have high narcisstic traits rather than a disorder. Some people with NPD have cognitive empathy which means they are aware that they should be empathic so make appropriate noises but because they don't have genuine empathy they can treat loved ones extremely cruelly.

Another common factor with NPD is the cycle, they will fall for someone, then start to devalue and ultimately discard. The discard is usually brutal in suddenness and there will always be another person lined up to replace previous partner. They will then engage in a smear campaign - never taking responsibility for any failures in the relationship breakdowns.

A person will NPD will usually never have a good relationship with Ex's as they end relationships so vindictively and without empathy.

OP this is all classic stuff, and a nightmare to deal with. I think what you’re doing trying to analyse this will hopefully be helpful to you in managing the horrible behaviour. Because once you can spot the patterns in it all, it soon becomes highly predictable behaviour and somehow less awful. You’ll know it’s not really about whatever issue they are kicking off about, and that it is certainly nothing to do with anything that you personally have done.

That’s pretty much what my late mother was like apart from the parties, and mine wasn’t quite as bad. I sometimes grieve for the loving mum that she was at times, and for the more normal mum I wish I’d had, instead of someone so manipulative and negative.

My god this is good reading...

I would love to hear more about others experiences and knowledge

My NPD info comes via Google, hence the lack of solid knowledge

Someone can have a mental health disorder AND be a twat. One does not exclude the other.

I know very little, so this is informative!

She sounds like a knobhead that I'd be putting some good strong boundaries in with.

If someone loves you they don't treat you like that.

What was her childhood like? She sounds like my maternal grandmother. I don't think it's NPD (and not even a psychiatrist can diagnose on the Internet with the information you provided) but she doesn't seem happy. Happy and secure people don't treat others like that.

I had issues with my mum who was awful but in a different way. I went through counselling and felt angry, upset at the way I was treated and eventually came to have sympathy and more understanding of why she was the way she was (her mum, and her mum had a terrible childhood and so did her mum). I feel lucky I broke the cycle and lucky I'm able to have a happy life and not carry round what she has too).

Mine is like that but with no friends
I think she's autistic.
It could be damaged childhood though - war babies and traumatised parents?

After i read the first four bullet points, I assumed we were sisters.

@MaxOverTheMoon her childhood was perfectly normal. She has a sister who's also perfectly normal, she's great! They are like chalk and cheese, even in looks!

I don't think she is particularly happy, no. She is clearly quite resentful about how her life has turned out, but doesn't appear to think any of her behaviour or decisions influenced it.