Realising what an absolute fuck I am right before I’m a parent, can anyone help?

[Yugf]

I’m in therapy but I’m terrified my issues are deeper than something a few weeks work can fix. I’m due to have a baby in a couple of months and am a lone parent after ex walked out. Though having gone over my life I’m wondering if him leaving was actually my doing.

Sorry if this is rambled. I’m a mess.

grew up in money so things looked great, a lot of material privilege. Got a great job which im barley holding onto and have struggled my whole life with mental health issues, im 35 now.

I don’t know where to start but basically I struggle to make any decisions without validation from others. I can be defensive and sneaky but also would do pretty much anything for anyone. I can have days where I literally feel like I want to die and then the next day I will do my make up and go for a coffee and have a great time with a friend. I struggle to cope day to day and feel like I’ve searched for security all my life and never found it.

a therapist asked me to describe my relationship with my dad and I couldn’t think of any words. Parents had and have a good marriage but I used to wish as a child they were divorced because I think that meant to me that they’d pay me more attention. My dad is good fun and was always present but we have no real closeness. He is incredibly selfish as is my mum.

they’d hit me and shout a lot. I was constantly compared to a sibling or friends… always ‘why can’t you be like…’

i like my parents as people as an adult and they are financially very supportive but i cannot be myself around them, I don’t know why.

since the relationship breakdown I have moved back to near them for support. I get bits of support but with criticism like ‘people like you won’t cope with a baby alone.’ And I wish I hadn’t relocated but I’m stuck with it now at least. they can be supportive other days it’s just hit and miss.

when I wet the bed as a child they would tell grandparents in front of me and I was so embarrassed. I only thought of this yesterday when reading a parenting book and it made me cry.

there’s so much more but I am struggling to type. The relationship ending was probably my fault given what a mess I am. How will I ever be ok alone with my baby? Im terrified

Relax. Lots of fuck ups have babies. I’m one of them. Was a lone parent too. You’ll be fine. No such thing as a perfect parent.

You'll be great. And if you do struggle there's a lot more help around these days than it was back when you were a child. Help for both parents and children. You can do this. Really sorry for what you went through 💐

The fact you're concerned about being a good mum is a good indication you will be!

Every single mum in the world is deeply flawed. You have insight and you are self-critical and you care about being a good parent. Odds on you'll be fine. It won't be easy because parenting isn't easy but you'll love your baby to bits and you'll strive to do your best and your best will be good enough and your child will be a source of love, wonder, amazement, frustration, laughter and tears.
Congratulations OP.
And the ending of your relationship was undoubtedly a complicated mix of him, you, society, bad luck, immaturity, and loads of other things, but NOT just you, never ever just you. Relax (if you can). Enjoy becoming a mum. You are just as worthy as every other woman who's done it.

All the thoughts and feelings I had before DC1 was born were all so, so similar to yours. Both pregnancy and therapy make everything feel so intense, though that's not necessarily a bad thing either.

But to share my experience: suddenly becoming a parent was such an affirming, healing, calming process. As others have already said, self-awareness can be so empowering. And clearly, you care about your child so much, and that counts for so much too.

I've found over the years that good parents worry incessantly whether they are being a good parent and the shit ones never give it another thought!
And I had a terrible upbringing of physical, sexual and emotional abuse but it's made me determined to be the best mother possible to my DD (who's now 17 and doing great)
Keep your parents at arms length (they sound toxic) and trust yourself - you will be an amazing mum x
Be kind to yourself xxx

You can do all the things you didn't like as a child different. You can spend proper time and try and have a close relationship. It's really hard being a mum and no one gets it totally right. You already would like a good mum as you are worrying you won't be !

Sound !

Your parents taught you how not to be a parent, and you’re extremely self aware and determined to be a good mum. I bet you will be great.💐

You might like "the book you wish your parents had read" apparently it helps process these things.

I am sure you will be a lovely mum. Nobody is a perfect parent and you don't need to be.

struggle to make any decisions without validation from others

Having a child may give you the motivation to make decisions on your own. There will be no one, well no-one who has any right to an opinion, to point out the error of any decision you take.

When you have to decide, you can only do the best you can with the knowledge you have at the time. It say this because I find it comforting to acknowledge that my decisions may not be the objectively the correct ones but at least I took them myself and no-one can impose their will on me.

It's not difficult to work out why someone who was punished as a child might shrink from taking decisions, so they can't be 'blamed'.

This is a lovely opportunity for you to cast aside the shackles imposed on you as a child. They were imposed on you, you don't need to continue like that.

Welcome, you are one of the grown ups now, no one can punish you for anything. All the best best

If they say anything again along the lines of 'people like you...' I would honestly say something along the lines of 'it don't need stupid and unhelpful comments like that thank you'. It's hard but you don't want them to try to put you down in front of DC. In fact, I'd look to move away again.

I not it!

Just a thought OP but......you can't make any decisions without validation from others - that sounds like you need constant validation and reassurance because you have extremely low self esteem. You can be defensive - never can be wrong or to blame for anything? (stems from low self esteem again). You can be sneaky - what does that mean? selfish? lie? gas light? You would pretty much do anything for anyone - is that to try to impress them? People please? Or because you genuinely care about them? You say you desperately seek security and bounce between having lovely days with friends and feeling like you want to die. Your parents looked like good parents and you like them but you were humiliated and constantly compared to others and found wanting, your dad was selfish and emotionally distant.

You say you have struggled you whole life with mental health issues and I think it is wrong of others to suggest you're fine and should just do things differently to your parents. Having a baby can be an extremely difficult, stressful and isolating time even with a partner and supportive family - don't underestimate how life changing it is. I think you are suffering from very low self esteem but it could be more than that, bi polar disorder? a personality disorder? any of which could be made more difficult by the stressful challenges of raising a baby without any real emotional support or empathy around you. I really think you need to talk to a professional about this, you'll be waiting forever on the NHS so can you afford to pay for some therapy? Make sure they are properly qualified though, have a look on the BCAP page perhaps. You need someone to help you deal with what you went through as a child, low self esteem and to figure out if there is more to it than that. Get some help OP, don't spend the rest of your life trying to deal with your mental health alone or let it impact another generation.