Baby/kids - the positives please? I am desperate

[Vbnn]

My DP has had a breakdown. Absolutely cannot cope, he’s getting help but has brought a lot of it on himself. I’m going to be doing this alone for a long time I imagine.

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has told me how hard this will be. How relentless, lonely, depressing, difficult, limiting, stressful and unhappy it will be.

I feel broken before I’ve even started!

i have no experience with kids at all and so they may well be right but I had thought I would be able to make a cup of tea when they’re asleep or browse the internet on my phone in a cafe while they’re in their pram from time to time.

I feel like life is over and I really mean it when nobody in my life has said anything positive about being a parent

Oh and to be clear I won’t be in the same household as DP so it’s true I will effectively be ‘alone’

I’m guessing you are pregnant?

What other support do you have? Family? Friends?

Tbh having a baby was way easier than I thought. You spend a lot of time with them asleep on you / breastfeeding and so it’s actually very easy to spend time on your phone / watching box sets etc.

Having toddlers is a bit more tricky in terms of time, but by then, they’re sleeping through the night and so you have more energy to deal with their energy.

Overall it’s a real joy. Sorry you’re going through this but you’ll be fine

How many kids and how old?
it gets easier in many ways as they get older. My littlest is 17 month now. It’s easier because she sleeps through, doesn’t need 8nappy changes and as many feeds a day and still naps in the afternoon so I can have a bit of a rest. It’s harder because she can move quick, need to be watched like a hawk, gets frustrated she hasn’t got the means to commute exactly what she wants and wants to play row row your boat constantly. More pros than cons though, and I adore having her in my life.
the older two are easier now as they go to school and can wipe their own bums and tell me what the problems are. They’re more difficult as they have constant friendship issues, struggle at times with school and are extortionately expensive! Still better having them than not though.
the positives with all of them is that I love them more than anything I could have ever imagined. They’re great fun. They make me think of things I never even knew about. They’re hilarious company.

in case tldr: yes, major positives to having kids. Struggles always present but ever changing. Totally worth it.

Yes @Redlorryyellowlorryblue a few weeks from due date.

Everyone was much happier months ago! Now it is all doom and gloom

You’ll get through it. Some days will be amazing and you feel like you’re smashing it. Other days you might wake up and wonder how you’ll make it through. But you do, because they need you and you can do it. And then one day you wake up and you realise you don’t have those days any more.

I have a 2.5yo and a 7m old and they are the best people I know. Some days I don’t get a cup of tea until they’re in bed, but I don’t even care .

I recommend getting some support if you can. A positive mum and baby group really helped me in the tough times and also celebrated with me when times were good.
I started meeting a mums group when I was pregnant and we are still in touch 8 years later.

once you accept it will be hard, it’s easier to get on with. You will be tired, you will get frustrated, you will be sad, cry, need to go to the toilet or eat and not be able to. You may get ill and want a duvet day and feel distraught that this is not an
option. The list is endless. But you will have a tiny human that needs you to help them become the person they are meant to be. And just when you think you might break your baby will do something amazing and it will make you happiest person. It could be their first real smile or a laugh and it will melt your heart and all those feelings of helplessness etc will literally disappear

my advise is to try and stay in the moment and soak all those sleepless nights up because before you know it your little baby will be growing up and you won’t know where the time went.

Yes it’s scary but you should feel excited for what’s to come!! Your baby just needs you and your unconditional love and will be on the learning journey right there with you as it’s alllll new to them too! GOOD LUCK😊

Oh honestly, having a baby alone is far easier than with a difficult/needy co parent.

There are loads of real positives, and with no one else to coordinate with you can organise things to suit you.

If you have friends or family that will help in the early days so you can relax while,having a shower, or get a nap in, then great. It's not essential though.

Half the trouble with babies is trying to fit everything else around it. If you can sleep whenever they sleep, because there's no older child or partner to take into account, it's perfectly manageable.

Scary times, yes. But not awful. It can be amazing- but you need to put you and your baby first and organise life to suit you. Don't let other people's needs dictate when you do things. That's crucial.

The positives are MANY. My son is my greatest joy. It is exhausting but so rewarding. I'm not in the same situation as you but my partner works A LOT. It's been important for me to get out the house daily and build my network. Baby and toddler groups at churches and community centres have been great for me!

to be honest, I really empathise with you OP. I'm in a very different situation, but generally I think there's a culture of telling women that having children is simply AWFUL and it's going to be so TERRIBLE and so hard. I'm a few weeks from my due date and I swear the next person who makes a quip about how that's my life over or I'll not be sleeping for a good few years is getting bopped on the head. Stop freaking us all out!

Where exactly is DP? It will be easier to do it alone if you are actually alone and not nursing him back to health at the same time I imagine. (Oh typed that and see he will be elsewhere - this is good)

You can absolutely do it alone, find some groups you can go to with baby to chat with other mums so you aren't lonely - small babies are easy really it's the pressure we put on ourselves that is hard. Keep in touch with people who care about you. By phone if not in person. Speak if possible over text.

There are lovely things you can do - walks with baby, shops and cafes with baby. Just don't put any pressure on yourself! If you need to feed in the middle of the night get a good box set going on - lovely! Put yourself and baby first above anyone else's hopes or expectations - be kind to yourself - this is a new and exciting adventure not a life sentence. Some days will be hard I expect, but that's ok and totally normal. Baby will be gorgeous - indulge yourself! Good luck OP!

There are things that are hard and there will be times when it is difficult. But my life is infinitely better since having kids. My social life too - if you make an active effort to meet real friends at baby groups, nursery etc. I've got the best friends now that I have ever had, genuine support from people I had never met before kids.

People moan, but doesn't mean that the negative is the only side to it.

I have two children. The newborn stage with my first was exhausting. My second slept through from a few weeks old (doesn't now!). Yes it is tiring but it's also a lovely stage and newborns are very straightforward. They need milk, winding, cuddles and nappy changes. Everything that comes after comes once you're already used to your baby. You will be absolutely fine. Manage everyone else's expectations and enjoy being in a bubble just you and your baby. Find simple meals/cook subscription ect. A flask to keep your tea warm. You'll have plenty of time to browse the internet/catch up on boxsets stuck under your baby. Enjoy it. Congratulations!

It will be easier without him living with you.

You can make a cup of tea whenever you like. The baby doesn’t have to be asleep. Even if s/he cries whilst you make the cup of tea, it won’t be for long. As long as you put the baby in a safe place, crying for two mins isn’t a problem.

Babies are all different. Some are easier than others. You’ll be fine.

OP you'll be fine. It's hard whether you're a single parent or not - if you're not single, the bomb that is a baby landing in your marriage can often cause real difficulty as you'll see from mum friends you make at baby groups etc. As others have said, there will be challenges but overall having children is a source of real joy.

Oh OP, congratulations on your soon to be gorgeous baby. S/he will be the absolute love of your life. I'm about the least maternal person ever, and my second is a genuine monster - doesn't sleep, cries a lot - and I still adore the bones of her. Her big brother is the funniest, kindest person I know.

This is the best thing you'll ever do. Tell arseholes who have nothing nice to say to keep their mouths closed.

Wishing you lots of good luck. You can do this