Need a handhold/kick up the backside! Autistic DS2 leaving Junior School

[confusedofengland]

Ds2 is leaving Junior School today. He's going to a nearby senior school with only 1 other from his year group of about 60. His brother goes there already.

We had Leavers' assembly today then informal photos outside. Lots of kids ran around trying to find each other for photos. Lots of tears together, hugs, laughter. Only 1 person came looking for DS2 & that was the 'class troublemaker' who has always looked out for him. It was like DS was on the outside looking in.

He has been with these children for 6 or in some cases 8 years. They are always kind to him, help him. Include him in projects. But it seems that only 1 thinks of him as a friend or worth remembering. I have tried so hard to build friendships, but it hasn't happened.

DS is ok. He has his brothers & some family friends. He may make friends at senior school. He will still see about 10 from his class at Scouts. But my heart just broke today, to see him so outside of it all.

Sitting here sobbing, trying to regroup before I pick him up & face more of the same 😥

I hate autism right now!

Yeah autism is shit.

But chances are he will make friends at secondary.

Hi op let me offer you an unmumsnetty hug. I have a 13 yo autistic ds, so I think get it. My ds has some friends at school, but he's very rarely invited to anything outside and he desperately follows round popular boys who are good at football, etc because he wants them to like him. They are nice to him (mostly) but yes, he's looking in from the outside. My experience as a teacher of many asd children over several years is that they do usually find 'their people', sometimes a little later on in school.
I wish I had the answers but you sound like a lovely, caring mum. It's good that your ds will know one person at least and his sibling is there. He will find like minded pals and the school staff should also support him in social situations; make sure you speak to them about your concerns.

Not just you, so you are not alone my daughter is leaving too and she has no friends at all at school, not even a single one. Never gets included in anything or invited to anything at all.

OP my DS also autistic and had same problems in junior school. However, he has found his tribe in secondary and has a small but tight knit group of friends. He doesn't really fit in to the sporty or more general population but with his little group he is very secure and they all look after each other. My logic is that there is more kids at secondary so more people like him. So I guess, my point is, don't fret - he WILL find his tribe it just takes a little longer for them

Thank you all for replying & I am so sad to hear of children in the same situation.

DS is lucky that the other DC are always nice to him, they include him in the playground, they look after him, but in the same way they would a little brother. He's not & never has been an equal, let alone a friend. He had party invites in Infant school, but nothing for a few years- except family & family friends. He didn't have a party himself because I don't know who he would invite.

He is on the class WhatsApp because I asked a friend to ask her DD to add him. He loves it, although doesn't understand a lot of it. He also loves Scouts & seeing people there.

I feel like I have failed him somehow. I should have done more playdates, done all class parties for him. But here we are & somehow I have got it all wrong 😥

I was in exactly your situation this time last year. I spent the whole of the summer holidays worrying about it.

However, DS1 has really thrived at secondary! He has found making friends much easier than he did at primary and spends break and lunch with new friends rather than his old primary classmates. I have been genuinely amazed by how well he has managed, as he didn't have any close friends at all until the beginning of year 5.

Fingers crossed for your DS.

I'm going through the same with my autistic DD, although she's in year 5. She's desperate to move onto secondary as she's basically become an outcast at her primary but I'm so so worried for her.

I wouldn't worry too much about the number of people he knows going to the secondary though as they split them up anyway and they will be meeting loads of others from other schools. I hope he ends up loving it! Primary school can be a double edged sword, great if you've got a friendship group to grow up with, very limited social opportunity if not.

I remember the end of junior school in just the same way for my ds, it really upset me as it was when it really started to be obvious how different he was. What you have to concentrate on though IMO is whether your ds is bothered. Mine finds people so hard work that he'd much rather be on his own and is happy that way. He didn't make any good friends at secondary school but got on fine with everyone generally and really needed time alone at break and dinner anyway to prevent himself becoming overwhelmed. He had absolutely no desire to be popular or part of a group or make idle chit chat with people.

Your DS doesn't necessarily need friends in the way that a NT world insists he must. He might be bothered or he might not. Just remember you have to try to look at whether he's ok or not with the situation not whether you'd be ok with it. It took me a year or two of secondary school before I really got my head around it and allowed ds to cope in the way he found best rather than trying to constantly get him involved in lunchtime groups and to invite someone round.

Life has actually been so, so easy with him. I don't have to worry about peer pressure, drinking, smoking, sex, being out till late, falling out with friends. There have been no major upsets and he has done really well at school.

You may find he thrives at Secondary OP. Primary is very pally pally and cliquey, and in Secondary he will have different classes, teachers and sets, allowing him to meet more people and find his feet. He won’t be the most popular kid or the one with the most active social life, but he can definitely meet a couple of nice friends who accept him and feel good about being at school. It’s great he is involved in Scouts and other extra activities - make sure he keeps that up! Good luck to him!

He might suit the feel of secondary school better. He clearly gets on well with people, they don't have to see him as best friends for them to care for him. Was he running around looking for people too?

In secondary school he'll have more opportunities to meet people, maybe even people like him or with similar interests and behaviour.

My DD doesn't have autism but struggled socially all through primary school. On the first day of secondary, all the girls she knew from primary were all grouped together, taking photos together and grouped themselves so DD couldn't join in. It was awful and I went home and cried the whole day. She's just about to finish her first year and has a whole new group of friends and is so much happier than she ever was in primary. I really hope your DS finds his place in his next school

Thank you all. In the end, after school we went to a park with most of the year. At first he didn't join in, preferring to play with his brother & eat his picnic. But after an hour or so, once I helped him find some classmates, he did join in & had a great time.

He does have a lovely group there, who will include him but never seek him out. So I think senior school will be good for him, as a chance for a blank canvas. And maybe I need to worry less!

It's always tough when there's a milestone like this as it just amplifies how different your child is.

Same !! My dd is tolerated by her classmates but they don't 'get her'. I watched in sadness at sports day yesterday where she was just ignored while all the others where hugging and cheering each other on. Breaks my heart. She has one friend but she is very manipulative towards my dd. That's a whole other thread !!

Hate hate hate autism.

My youngest has asd , he's in year 4 and already worried about moving up. That's because his older brother is year 6 though I think .

He's always had 1 friend but she's started gravitating towards the other girls as they are getting older. He's year are lovely and sound similar to your sons, in that they sre happy to include him but don't necessarily seek him out.

My 19 year old says I'm worrying to much, 1 of his friends has asd and while he says himself that he didn't really have friends during primary he did find his feet in secondary and has a nice group of friends now.

It's hard, ds doesn't seem bothered by the lack of close friends though

Could I gently ask about the 'class troublemaker'? I just wondered if they might also be in the same position as your child as an outsider or might they also be non-NT? Maybe it's not a friendship you want to encourage, but they sound like they genuinely sought your son out - unless I've misunderstood and it was for less nice reasons?

@MsJuniper he definitely does have some issues including diagnosed ADHD & a mother who struggles very much with parenting & admits this openly. They are a lovely family but lots of neuro diversity which mum cannot cope with. School have had him on the SEN register from Day 1 & he has benefited from Ds's 1-to-1, through small group work & when DS has been absent.

Said child is very sweet & a genuine friend to my DS, it has always been said by everyone that they have a funny friendship- loyal to each other, always drawn to each other. However, he has been violent & verbally abusive towards most other members of the class at various points. So this makes me unsure whether I want to encourage the friendship. I am allowing phone numbers to be swapped (DS has an hour a day & I read everything) & will agree to a supervised park playdate if both want. Beyond that, I'm not sure.

I could have written this post myself a few hours ago. DC just finished junior school today
All the other kids hugging each other signing each others tops etc. My DC was totally out of it and when they left not a single child said goodbye 🙁 So sad. I had quite a sob for them (in private of course).
I so hope that secondary school is more positive for them and they make a few good friends.

We've had a leavers assembly today (but not finished yet).
DS has fortunately had a secure friendship since y1 (and known since nursery) and another decent friend. The others he is fairly ambivilent about although there are some intelligent ones that he respects. They wanted a photo together, then that was it, DS was ready to go home. He's content, but I can find it isolating that my social needs and contact are compromised when his threshold is reached easily.

He's in a lovely class and he's been very lucky to have been with that combination for 7 years. They're pleasant, mild mannered, more intelligent than average with no really aggravating characters.

I'm pleased with his secondary allocation and it is a school attractive to those with ASD, and with aspirations generally. It focuses a lot on developing the individual. I'm hoping he can find his tribe there and get the nuture and push he needs. While he's seperating from his friend, he's very local so I hope they can maintain his friendship.
I'm not worried about quantity, but a quality friend or two never goes amiss.