I've reached my noise tolerance threshold

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I'm sat on my bed listening to our 20 month old scream for me. She has suddenly decided that she doesn't want to sit in her chair at mealtimes, she wants to sit on my lap. Course I then end up covered in food and can't eat my own. If I'm not around she is totally fine. But tonight dinner has gone uneaten again. It's starting to totally ruin mealtimes. I get fed up of cooking, serving it up, have DD scream for the duration then wipe it off the floor. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a family meal.

DS is nearly 4 and seeks constant feedback. 'Look mummy" - he's literally standing there. I've no idea what he wants me to say.

I just feel totally drained of it all. It feels like chaos all the time.

Put her in her highchair, eat your food and put earplugs in if you need to.

It'll get better if you're consistent.

You're right. I know. I've actually left the table in the hope she will calm down if its just DH there but all I can hear is her screaming for me.

I just feel wrung out.

What support are you getting from DH?

DH is down there now listening to her incessantly scream and one assumes hoping she will eat something (she's only little and we do worry about her food intake).

You've reached a threshold, but primarily you are stressed. Now is not the time to make an ongoing decision. Tomorrow I would make a plan to eat a cold meal, so that your meal is not spoilt by having your DD on your knee. You can eat afterwards. Just prep something very picnic-esque and try to let it all go.

When your DS says 'Look mummy' I would reply 'Hello you - what are you wanting to show me?' and just ask some questions.

I would imagine both your children can feel your stress, and this affects them, and then you are in a negative spiral. So address your stress, and then take time to reflect.

I had bad days/weeks too - my kids are much bigger and all is well. Sometimes it is just one day at a time. It can feel like chaos - but you are still doing a good job. Just dial down your expectations a but and see if tomorrow can be less stressful.

Oh, and have a

With all due respect and positivity op, it's all part and parcel of the children developing, hopefully it's just a phase and they will resume normality.

But he does. Not.stop. at all. From 5am, he talks all day. Managing any task, even just clearing up after eating, is a battle because he's constantly 'mummy can we...'. He does nothing alone. I mean nothing.

Now have a sobbing DD breastfeeding. DH wouldn't let her have an ice lollies cos she didn't eat any dinner (I feel mean but he's right and it's important DS sees it too we think).

Bleurgh.

@Hawkins001 I didn't suggest it wasn't normal. Just that I was finding it tough

She’s likely got back teeth coming through. And it’s really hot too.

He just wants to be noticed now he’s got a little sister.

It’ll be ok.

When I was really tired, I used to give mine half of my head each, a brush each, and some clips. Apart from the pulling, it was oddly relaxing.

That's understandable, for me, id try to survive one day at a time and hope for the best.

I don't think your DH is right on this one. It's horribly hot, and it's not important for your DS to see his under 2 year old sister being punished. Food should never be a battleground. Very odd, especially given her extremely young age - barely over 1 and a half! Your children are just being young children. You might like to try a more gentle parenting style and see if it improves things and makes life less stressful for everyone.

I can hear how frustrated you feel, but it is normal, so your only choices are to find a way to deal with it or stay feeling this bad.

What hapens with children is the more you try to get away from them, to not talk to them - the more clingy they feel. At 4 he loves you and wants your attention. That is why he talks to you all the time.

That ice lolly decision seems pretty mad on the hottest day in UK history, tbh.
Are you making things very hard for yourself? Dialing things down helped me many times.

Layers of issues going on, poor you. And it is extremely hot.

1. Can you give up on family dinner for a bit? I eat after my daughter is in bed because I just like to eat quietly on my own. That might take away an immediate issue of eating with a wildling

2. Sounds like mealtimes are becoming a massive trigger point for you all? Stressed mum, stressed baby, stressed dad. Is there something that you'd all enjoy to reset that? The suggestion of a nice picnic tea is good. Sometimes I suck it up and chuck Disney songs on on my phone and we dance our way through dinner.

3. I think you need to build your son's 'being alone' skills rather than just expecting him to have some. busytoddler.com/quiet-time/ - maybe start trying to build in 'quiet time' periods, the article has some good advice.

4. I give the treat (if there is one) with the rest of the meal. It cuts out any treat drama. Probably doesn't work with ice lollies though, unless they want lolly soup. But does work more generally as a tactic to avoid end of meal stress.

The more I read this, the more I think you are expecting FAR too much of really quite tiny children.

She's had lots of ice lollies today. She's now happily snuggled on my lap eating a banana watching Dip Dap (whilst DS tells us what is going on and asks me to tell him what's going on).

@Duttercup thanks for the article! We often do music at dinner but the screaming was too loud today. Half the week DH and I eat alone cos it always feels more stressful.

I don't think my expectations are too high - perhaps they are - but even this thread shows people have different expectations and methods

How can they be more gentle?

This too shall pass @DueyCheatemAndHow it really will. The weather will break tomorrow, everything will be a little less fraught, and you'll feel better.

I had an incessant talker - he's ten now and still loves yakking - but I'll never forget getting in the car and on the motorway, we'd driven over 40 miles before he drew breath and someone else could get a word in edgeways . Practice your filler words - ummhmm, yes that's nice, ok darling, ask your father....I got so good sometimes I would wake up saying one of them!

(Also - let them have the ice lollies. Not for a treat, because it's hot, and getting calories and water into them is good. And because it'll give you a break).

@ChiefWiggumsBoy thank you. Both children now quiet and snuggled with me on the sofa. Both with ice lollies.

I saw a suggestion on FB the other day - about ten years too late to be useful for my DS! - that when you just need a bit of a rest, you play a game called 'Guess what's on my butt'. You lie face down on the sofa with your eyes closed. They put an object on your bum, and you have to pretend to guess what it is. That might give your four-year-old a way to interact without draining too much of your attention, although your youngest probably wouldn't get it quite yet.

Oh thanks, I'll try that! DD is pretty switched on and just likes to be included so that might work!

Ah OP you sound like you need a big hug and and a big glass of wine x

Oh, OP, I remember those days when mine were little, unsettled and demanding, and my brain had just had it. It is OK to feel overwhelmed, and it is great your DH had them while you went away for a bit.

There are lots of things you can give/do with an active, inquisitive 4 year-old. When you have a little break, and some time to yourself, it would be worth writing a little short-list (5 things) for the next time you have one of those days. You can whip it out and give your head a little rest (rotating toy boxes worked well for us at that age).

For you little one, I think it is great you are still breast-feeding. Welcome to the extended BF club! On a day like this, it is probably exactly what she needs, as well as some alone-time with you. She calmed well afterwards, didn't she? And then had a whole banana! Good on her!

If you are concerned about her food intake, it helps to make a list of what she eats daily, and how much BF she gets. You probably already know that food comes first, and milk after.

If you find meal-times getting stressful, you could try some baby-led weaning. Put her in her high-chair with a sheet of plastic around it, and allow her to go for it. This will give her a little more control over how much and what she wants to eat, and if you can ignore the mess, it will ease your stress, too. In summer, we would put our DCs on the grass.

I think you are doing a good job, OP. Don't forget to look after yourself, too, especially after a wearing day. All the best!

Thank you! I tind I can cope so much better if they sleep til 6.15 or later but it's rare.

Today we've some kinetic sand, playdoh, paddling pool, swings and climbing frame in the garden, some downtime watching a but of TV, and DS and I have made 2 types of ice lolly. DS was in preschool this morning.

They are both really fair and looked horribly flushed even after 20 mins in the garden late afternoon yesterday so I think I've been having covid lockdown flashbacks!

Is she definitely still comfortable in her high chair? I only ask as my DD suddenly started refusing to sit in hers, took me ages to notice she’d had a bit of a growth spurt. I moved the footrest (trip trapp) and she was totally happy after that!

Good shout, I'll double check - she has a booster seat so she got cross with her highchair.