Seeing your parents as grandparents

[Wishyfishy]

Does anyone else struggle with this? Especially when they’re being so perfect?

All snuggled up on the sofa with your DC, baking, crafting, telling stories etc etc..? And it just makes you think am I mad?- because this isn’t the childhood I remember? This isn’t who I remember, this isn’t who I think you are.

My childhood wasn’t bad but there was a lot more discipline - lots of sending to rooms, a bit of smacking etc. Other than that I just remember it being boring and quiet almost all the time. My parents didn’t laugh very much, they didn’t really do fun. (They do now apparently!) I remember having fun with my sibling but my parents I mostly remember sitting in awkward silence around the dining table with and lots of dry, educational activities. They told my brother off all the time for being “naughty” and I was the one with him as he cried and cried. I know some of that is probably if it’s time but I am struggling to understand how you can just reinvent yourself without even mentioning it.

My DF definitely knows we have a difficult relationship and he seems to be purposefully creating a very separate relationship with my DC that involves lots of whispering together in front of me and lots of comments / promises that are said for me to hear “Grandpa wants to take you to the zoo! / the cinema! / to a hotel!” “If Mummy let’s you stay with Granny and Grandpa for a holiday we’ll make ice cream and chocolate cake and go to the seaside!”

Is this just what being a grandparent is - getting to re-do it all? Is the child just supposed to accept that?

In your situation, I would struggle to watch that relationship, especially how you describe the behaviour of your father.

I had a wonderful Grandma when I was growing up (sadly she died when I was in my 20s), and I have lovely memories of staying at her house in the summer with my brother and cousins and having an idyllic time (camping in the garden, climbing trees, playing in the stream etc).

As an adult, I now know that she and my mum had a very difficult relationship, and that she was not a supportive mother to my mum at various times when she really needed her. But my mum didn't share this information with us as children, so we still have these memories of her as a lovely grandmother.

My mum and I are very close. I'm grateful to her for allowing me to have that nice relationship with my Grandma, although she must have found it difficult at times.

So that's my advice to you. Try to let it go, and appreciate the fact that they are good grandparents.

I remember one of my dc under his grans table in a bit of a sulk and he wouldn't come out My dm was offering him biscuits to come out. I was laughing to myself thinking this is not how she would have got any of her own children out!!
Now l have a gd and l know l am so soft and easily got around compared to my own children where l felt l had to teach them things and not see them get spoilt/ eat their veg etc. I couldn't care about these thing with my gd I am all about fun.
But l don't like the way your dad whispers..that is sneaky and a bit sinister.

I think it's that opportunity to help raise children again without the anxiety, money worries and it being 24/7.

Grandparents also have the experience of having done it all before. Id say It's the best of all those things, it's another opportunity to get it right in a relaxed way.

They can 'parent' and hand them back. I'm looking forward to grandchildren for all these reasons.

My parents with my children were different too. Less anxious, less rules, more chocolate....

I think a lot of the time it is a lot, lot easier to be grandparents than parents, for two main reasons:

1. You don't have the moral responsibility to "raise them right" so there's no pressure to be disciplinarian, you can just enjoy them.

1. You're unlikely to be working, so you've got all the time and energy you didn't have when raising your own children.

But your dad's behaviour is nasty and underhand and I would not like it at all.

Yes I thought that was fairly common. Tyrannical parents can turn in to indulgent grandparents. They don't see it as their job to discipline their grandkids, and can enjoy all the nice bits without that side if things.

I was not a perfect mother. I am a better mother to my Dd than my mother was to me. My daughter is a better mother to her teens than I was to her.
I am a much better grandma 😃 When we know better we do better. Each of the generations is close to the test, including my ter
andchildren loving

Yes I’m sure it’s very common. I think I’m just wondering how I’m supposed to feel about it.

It’s like my parents (mainly my Dad) are almost deliberately showing me up in front of my kids when I know for a fact that I am a much more loving and present parent than they ever were. Sometimes it confuses me because I think, did I imagine it? Was it really fairly shit or have I made that up?

Oops didn't finish ...and typos. Each of the generations is close to all the other generations, including my teen grandchildren adoring my mother, their 91 year old great grandmother. I think I was good enough and my daughter endorses this. I've learnt a lot from the way parents manage their kids these days and from my years as a Secondary age teacher.
I think most people are different grandparents to when they were parents. Times change, we learn more and older people have more time and patience than when they were busy working parents themselves.

It is so weird to watch, especially when you have a complicated relationship with your parents. I found it so strange to watch my no nonsense angry dad, sitting on a pink beanbag happily letting my daughters put a ballet skirt on his head like a hat while they played fairy vets.

It helped me to remember that people are naturally going to look after children differently when they are 25/35 than when they are 55/65
And this time round they are doing it without any of the real responsibility. They may no longer be working and trying to fit kids around a busy schedule, they may have more money and their life is slower now so they can buy the ice cream and bribe the tantrum to end.

And sometimes they know that they made mistakes with their own kids and want to be better for their grandkids. My dad didn't like being an angry man, I told him once when I was an adult that I had been scared of him as a child, he has never scared my girls.
I wish he could have been the man he is now, for me as a child. But we can't go back and I'm glad they get the best version of him now and that they get a lovely and involved grandad, but yeah it is weird.

I look at it as different jobs. Parenting is just not the same as being a grandparent. Thats why some people joke that the best bit about having kids is that they give you grandkids. Grandparents' job is mostly to love them and have a nice time. As a parent, our job is so much more complex and tiring

Wouldn't you rather that they didn't repeat with their GC the mistakes they made with you, OP?

I'm now a GP and it's so utterly different to being a parent. I hope I'm doing a decent job, I'm certainly trying to. I know I made mistakes with my children - hopefully not disastrous ones as we all get on very well now - but I do genuinely want to do well for my GC.

Without knowing your DF it's impossible to say whether there's any game-playing going on, but if your children love him and enjoy his company isn't that enough?

It's that saying - spoil your children and raise your grandchildren or raise your children and spoil your grandchildren.

My dm is a lovely grandmother but was an awful mum. However, I look back now and feel quite sorry for her. She regrets not being a better mum which helps.

I'm really looking forward to grandchildren. I will definitely spoil them and let their parents do the raising of them.

My mum is like this and it is so hard.
I am still traumatised/in therapy for a lot of what went on in my childhood as a result of her behaviour, and she has very restricted access to my child (maximum once a week, never alone) but still manages to pull this shit.
No advice really, just sympathy but I find it helpful to have really strict boundaries on her access to my child and not leave them alone.

Also, I think there is definitely a difference between a bit of harmless spoiling of grandkids and the whispering etc that you mention.
My mum does this too, almost trying to create a dynamic where you are the less fun one/outsider etc.
I think a lot of people who haven't experienced it wouldn't see it for what it is.

The outsider dynamic is awful I agree @salemsongbird

OP do you think your parents, sounds more like your father, are abusing you through your dc, or do you think it's a more normal but annoying -don't tell your mum that I gave you 2 slices of cake and an ice-cream. There's a line, it can be annoying but ultimately harmless whisperings, or it can be a tool used against you.