Tried in ND with no response

[AllJustATrialOfErrors]

I’m not sure if anyone is like me; if anyone will understand and might have a suggestion. It might seem trivial but I’m reaching a stage where I feel I might need to walk away from a very happy marriage if I can’t “get better”. I’m in my 50’s. late diagnosis as an adult. Aspergers. Had a good career; two marriages, kids. Excellent “masker”. Good mimic.

My problem is this… I’m hopeless socially. I’m ok in work and with people I know well (few and far between). It’s not only exhausting me but, the older I get, the more I dread interaction. I’m also utterly hopeless with children. My step daughter has just had a little boy and he’s gorgeous but I know, going forward, until he’s older and I can have a little conversation with him, I’ll be useless. She has a three Yr old too. I buy little gifts and love to see photos of them but in person I have to retreat because I can’t seem to “interact”. It was different with my own. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well; I just dread visiting/them visiting us. Two days of anyone visiting makes me so anxious because I can only keep my sociability up, for so long. With DH, I know he needs to see his grandchildren but I encourage him to visit them, just not always with me in tow. He insists though I’m with him, though. We travelled up to see them this weekend and I just found myself getting quieter and quieter. They’re all about “grandad” (I’m 2nd wife) and it just gets more and more awkward. The grandkids are lovely; it’s ME! What can I do?

I feel like I’m an imposter. I want to be part of it but the “performance” for me is excruciating. None of it comes naturally.

Any advice?

Does your husband but understand how difficult you find these kind of situations? My DH is ND and once I realised how uncomfortable he feels doing the sorts of socialising he finds difficult I never push him into it. Who would you do that to someone you love?

My husband (2nd marriage) doesn’t really actually have an official nags diagnosis. He’s never read the diagnostic report sent to the GP and myself. He, like some of my friends say “well, we’re ALL somewhat on the spectrum; we all have our little quirks”. I think because I mask so well, I may have done myself a disservice. His adult kids from his first marriage don’t know because he felt they didn’t need to be told. Consequently, I feel bad because they probably just think I’m aloof or disinterested. I’m fine with a quick visit but anything running into a couple of days is excruciating. They’re travelling down to stay for a long weekend in early August. I’m already sick with worry.

Apologies, autocorrect messed up the first line above! Even I don’t know what it’s supposed to say! 😂 The gist is, he’s of the opinion I am “not a people person”.

It’s obviously more than that.

I don't think it's your DHs decision on who you tell about your dx. I think you should tell his DCs - as a younger generation they are likely to be far more aware of ND issues and I suspect will be more accommodating and understanding than your DH.

I would also ask your DH to read you report so that he has a bitter understanding of how to support you.

sorry - typos too

I would also ask your DH to read your report so that he has a better understanding of how to support you.

Explain to your ND to them and how it affects your interaction, and reassure them you are not disinterested, just find it difficult. They will understand. Your DH should enjoy his GCs and they him, so just go along, and be a bystander. they will understand if you explain.

Actually, I AM just a bystander, no matter my efforts!

I think I will have to tell them.

Shine a light on any difficulties.

My DH is much nicer to me now he understands my social issues, etc.

Once you don't have to fit in the wrong-sized hole, it's much better. Look at Brene Brown on shame too. It plays a big role in why women mask.

I grew up being told I was hopeless and to “get on with it”. At 14 my mum would give me a shot of gin, just to get me through the door. Feigning illness wasn’t an option. We’re talking the mid 1970’s for context!

I look back now and see that my dad was the same. Unless he’d downed a few bacardis, he was a excruciatingly “shy”. I was lucky because I was good at something, got a scholarship and went to boarding school where I fitted in very well! However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve fooled myself I’ve “become better at being me”. I haven’t. Not really. I’m not even sure what the real, unadulterated “me” is.

Well, that went spectacularly badly. Has “the discussion” today with my DH. He’s now downstairs feeling dreadful but non the wiser and I’m upstairs typing this.

I think, for all the wonderful things about our relationship, the fact is, he doesn’t/can’t understand. Despite my apologies and genuinely guild laden admissions, he’s just very, very let down.

I wish I could be normal.

Hi op. I'm on the spectrum too. Later diagnosis at 35.

Does your dh not believe your diagnosis? Is he in denial about it? It's strange that someone who is supposed to love you, wouldn't want to learn more about something so integral to who you are?

For what it's worth, some friends I have told don't seem to believe me and have never brought it up again after I told them. But overall I think telling people has helped me be me and for those who actually care to understand me a bit better. I think you need to tell them. It will explain your behaviour.

I would give up a lot to be 'normal' in all honesty, but I don't waste too much energy thinking about it. I can't change, but I can focus on what brings me happiness and know how i can best function in a world that largely rejects me socially. I have a dh and dc by some miracle and hold down a decent full time job. But bloody hell, I get so overwhelmed and exhausted.

You deserve to feel supported and understood.

So, this is what happened…

I'm not sure that this is anything to do with you being ND. Your DH is not exactly being supportive or caring, and it sounds as though his DD has followed in his footsteps.

Not sure what the above quotes are? Can you explain them?

You should definitely accept your limitations and also tell his family so they understand.

I am similar to you but always prefer to have DH family here for the weekend rather than there so that I can take myself off whenever I feel overwhelmed. It's fine to do this. Don't put pressure on yourself to perform the whole visit. The way forward is up accept your limitations, you will be so much happier.

Sorry I realise you have quotes from somewhere else

I posted on two boards because I didn’t get any replies. Then, I got replies so, thank you all, for that! I was so teary this morning, I couldn’t face typing out my tale of woe again. So, I photo’d it.