Wedding thankyou etiquette

[houseargh]

Writing our thankyou cards for recent wedding and DH and I differ on a point of process - please enlighten us regarding the standard approach.

Do you send a thankyou card to people who came but did not give a gift? DH says yes. My only slight concern with this is that it could come across as passive aggressive, like thanking them despite lack of gift. I guess what it boils down to is whether the thankyou is first and foremost for attending, or for the gift?

PLEASE NOTE BEFORE I GET JUMPED ON - I have zero expectation of gifts, stated that clearly up front and no issue with people not giving one. I just don't want to do the wrong thing re. thankyou cards. But open to hearing that I am overthinking this.

Related but opposite question - what about people who gave a gift but did not attend? (ie. were invited, could not make it, but bought us a gift)?

I don't think I've ever been in either of the above categories as a wedding invitee so no idea what the norm is.

I don't think you should thank people for coming. Just if they've sent a gift.

I may be out of date here, but I always assumed the thank you was for the gift. So thank people who have you something, whether or not they attended. Presumably, you would have thanked people for coming on the day?

gave not have

I feel the thank you is for the gift, and not for attending. That said, until on here I had never heard of people not giving gifts when attending a wedding. Definitely a thank you to those who gave gifts but couldn't attend for what ever reason.

But please do send thank you cards. It really upsets me when I have gone to a lot of trouble/expense whatever and someone doesn't say thank you. Even a text would do tbh.

The thank you card is for the gift. You thank people for going at the actual wedding when you speak to them

Though do people really go to weddings & not give a gift

Surely you just send thank you's for the present? If anything, those attending the wedding should be sending thank you's to you?!

I also agree the thank you is for the gift. Didn't you say thanks for coming on the day?

Perhaps you mentioned in your invite that you wanted the guests to come more than a gift as unsure of everyone's financial situation, some guests may want to come to help you celebrate but unable to afford a gift. I would only send a written thank you card for a gift.
If necessary your husband could ring them to thank them for attending and chat about the day, but only cards for gifts imo

I'm in the US so etiquette may be different, but I have never heard of an expectation to send a thank you just for attending. The thanks is for the gift, whether the giver attended or not.

Thank you from you for the gift.

They send you a thank you for the invite / attending.

Agree with others - you send a thank-you to everyone who gave a present, whether they came to the wedding or not.

For the ones who didn't bring a gift then don't bother - just make sure that they didn't team up with other people and do a joint one.

You only send thank yous for gifts

thank you for gift only - whether they attended in person or not.

What about a thank you for coming to help celebrate the day and well wishes, I think I would

I'd thank everyone - with a card with a photo of the wedding on.

Thank yous are only for gifts.

Thank yous are for gifts, regardless of whether someone actually came or not.

Thanks all, feeling vindicated! DH (who is generally lovely and very reasonable) has form for sounding incredibly certain about random things he knows nothing about, I suspected this might be one of those times!

This is his thinking (and we have photo cards) but given the near consensus I think we won't as I'd be concerned those who didn't give gifts might interpret it as a bit passive aggressive if most people understand thankyous to be for gifts. For those wondering, a few people didn't give gifts but that may be in part because we committed the ultimate Mumsnet faux pas and had a honeymoon registry, and we were also very aware that lots of people's financial situations have changed since our original date in April 2020, so really did mean it when we said gifts not necessary (and would have meant it anyway, tbh)

Guests send letters of thanks for attending, you don’t thank them for attending event

you send letters of thanks for presents

Thank yous to people who sent gifts, whether or not they attended wedding.

No thank you for no gift.

Wtf were they thinking, though? Even if you said people don't have to bring a gift, I wouldn't be so rude as to go to a wedding without a gift.

Thank you notes for gifts.

Your guest may send you a note to thank you for the invite.

We sent personalised thank you's to everyone who attended.

Many people put in a lot of effort to their outfits, to travelling a long way (many with kids in tow), taking time out of work etc. It doesn't matter whether they brought a gift, everyone made a big effort so it's appropriate to thank them.

It never occured to us that this might be seen as passive-aggressive, and amongst our circle of family/ friends I doubt that it was seen that way. It's just a nice way to acknowledge their efforts.

This, no need to thank otherwise