Alcoholic friend. Help!

[Orangeblossomfield]

I'm going to keep this as brief and vague as I can, to protect identities.

I am from the UK but live overseas. I have a British colleague (let's call him Sam) who I have known for 2 years. Early 30s, single, no family over here: I've kind of taken on a big sister role. Sam has opened up to me recently that he is an alcoholic. He had some treatment a few months ago in UK and has since fallen off the wagon when he returned to work in the country we live in.

He is on Day 10 of a drinking binge and is in a very bad way. Very depressed, emotional, crying a lot, ruminating over things that have upset him. He is basically drinking every day and is having some kind of breakdown. Myself and another colleague are checking in on him frequently via text and call as we can't be with him in person. Nobody else here knows. His parents are flying out this weekend to bring him home but we don't think he will go with them.

Other colleague is currently on holiday so can't visit him. For various logistical reasons, I can't go to him either. I invited him to my home but he doesn't want my kids to see him in that state, which is probably for the best. We don't think he is eating. He is in physical pain as well as emotional.

I don't want to name the country in order to protect his identity. I don't understand alcoholism at all. I don't know how these binges end but I know he has to do it gradually.

In the UK, what normally happens when someone's drinking gets out of control like this, over a prolonged period and they are incredibly depressed/anxious? Would they be sectioned?

If anyone even wants to PM me, I can let you know the country in private if you might have some advice.

Sorry if this is very vague. I'm not trying to be elusive but basically we don't know what to do.

Thanks

Anyone?

I'm in the uk it's very hard to be sectioned.
He has to want to help himself and get himself to the doctors who would then be able to point him in the right direction and help him.
If his life is in danger he should go to a&e where they may admit him and detox him or give him fluids etc.
Unfortunately an alcoholic has to want to help them self before anyone one else can help them and sometimes that means hitting rock bottom first.
In the uk there is a massive shortage of mental health beds and there is no guarantee he will get one unless he is prepared to got private.

Agree with pp
Your friend Can call his gp and ask for urgent crisis help around his mental well-being and alcohol misuse. Unless he is seriously mentally unwell and at risk, An AMPH in U.K. won't arrange his detention under the Mental Health Act for his drinking but his GP may arrange urgent support, do you know who his Gp is ?

To be honest, there isn't all that much you can do, which I understand is very frustrating. You can't rationalize an alcoholic out of this state, you can't threaten, bribe or what-have-you. It's got to come from him. If he's in acute danger, you can contact medical services. But otherwise I would suggest checking out Al-Anon for you. You'll get a better understanding of the disease and how to support him lovingly, without sacrificing your well-being. Take care, it's really tough to see people we care about suffer like this.

I don't know how these binges end but I know he has to do it gradually.

Not necessarily- alcoholism is complex and a broad spectrum- some people can go cold turkey, some people suffer terrible physical withdrawal that can kill them and so requires medical support. Does he go through bouts of sobriety or does he drink every day? Do you know what his treatment was previously?

Thanks. We aren't in the UK at present but I wanted to know what happens at home normally. I do actually know who his GP is (same as my husband's). However he gave my friend some pretty powerful anti anxiety medication in the past which the people in the rehab centre said he shouldn't have been on. Previous treatment was a month in a facility with group meetings and therapy. He did the 12 step alcoholics anonymous programme which he disengaged with.

He was sober for 2 months. When he drinks, he drinks for days. He's not a functioning alcoholic (I know many of them!) But has what I would deem as classic alcoholism. One drink and he is out of it for days, can't work etc

He was told in rehab that he can't stop drinking suddenly and had to take medication in the facility to stop drinking (so he didn't have convulsions.)

I know this sounds harsh but I don't think you can help him op.

He is unlikely to die by suicide simply because he will want to be alive to carry on drinking. Alcoholism is a powerful addiction.

Definitely don't invite him to your home, I'm glad he had the good sense to realise it wouldn't be appropriate.

Having dealt with an alcoholic for my entire childhood I would say this:

Alcoholics who are drinking won't remember or be able to process anything you say. In their more lucid moments they are generally thinking about consuming more alcohol.

If he won't engage with detox then there is literally nothing you or his parents can do.

I'm sorry.

I agree with above poster I think you need to step back a bit

he needs to get help for himself :(

I hope his parents can get him home with them. If he’s been in AA once hopefully they’ll help him again.

I think Mumsnet should have the mantra from Al-Anon permanently on the front page:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

the only person who can help an alcoholic is themselves.I know from experience, unfortunately, that trying to help them you can end up making yourself ill. They will only seek help if they really want it and when they are at rock bottom, and I won’t begin to describe how far down rock bottom can be.
If he has an accident - and they do - He can be de-toxed in hospital - it’s potassium that they give but then when he comes out he will probably start to drink again. They might keep him in for a week or two to feed him up. Most alcoholics become frail as they don’t eat very much. I think the alcohol suppresses the appetite.
As has been said, alcoholics cannot simply stop drinking - this leads to fitting and even death. The alcohol has to be tailed off gradually unless they are under medical treatment.
To sum up, there is nothing you can do to help your friend. I find alcoholics don’t want advice. When they are in a mess they are grateful for your help and then they resent it. Their GP will know of local help groups and there are private clinics where they can go for treatment and recovery but they are very expensive. Worth the money if the person is determined.
Some people are able to stop drinking permanently. Most alcoholics relapse at least eight times.
I hope he comes home with his parents but unless he wants to seek help and stop drinking there is little you or his parents can do for him.
You are clearly a caring person but my advice to you is to take a step back and look after yourself.

In the UK he can usually access help through his GP.
Or call Alcoholics Anonymous and go to a meeting. They will even come out to him if logistically possible.
His family can access help through Al-Anon which supports family members.
Many towns have a Drug and Alcohol Service which offer support often with volunteers who are recovering addicts ( my ex h was an alcoholic and I found this service very supportive to me tho he refused to go, then lied about going, but that was him)
Only an alcoholic can help them self —- if they’re willing to engage there is support, if they’re not there is nothing anyone can do to stop them drinking. As he has accessed service previously this is a good sign that he will do again.

Hopefully your colleague will return to the UK and access support. You have done all you can.

Thanks everyone. It's just concerning as he is an expat living here and has just been holed up in his flat for over a week drinking. He is in touch with myself and the other colleague, who is his main support. He is very sad and keeps crying about the same things, on a loop. Is he just to continue drinking like this until he decides to stop? It feels cold to just do nothing but I agree there's nothing we can do.

It is very difficult for you I know.

But please be reassured that there is nothing you could be doing, unless he agrees to it.

Alcoholics are literally the most selfish people on earth when they are drinking. He is repeating himself and drowning in drink and self pity.

Nothing you can say or do can change that

Stop giving so much. Don't pander to him. Don't get dragged down by him. Don't listen to nonsense, tell him when he's ready to stop you'll help however you can.

I think just keep in touch with him, speak to him with kindness, remind him of his good qualities and good times, remind him he can turn things around and that there are people who love him and care about him. Be supportive but understand that you can't love someone or hate them into sobriety this is something that is a personal struggle and that needs a lot of support and kindness because a huge part of it is shame and guilt and feeling like you're too far gone now what's the point of sobering up to a harsh lonely life so reminding them all is not lost and there is hope is in my opinion the best thing someone in your position can offer him. As for you and others you can get support for yourselves from Al Anon and Smart friends and family support networks. This is hard on watchers, too.

Thanks again. We aren't extremely close but I looked out for him when he first moved over. We used to live beside eachother and I checked in on him, sorted him out with some household stuff and sometimes left him meals outside his door during lockdown, that sort of thing. Practical stuff. Nothing major, just basic friendliness.

We don't have a big friendship or anything but he did confide in me for some reason. I'm not actually as emotionally invested as some might suspect, but do feel some kind of human to human sense of responsibility.

I have been encouraging, reminding him of all his great qualities and letting him know there is always hope.

The other colleague is very emotionally invested. Her heart is breaking for him and she is the main support source. If there was a practical step I could take to help him, I would. It feels unnatural to just leave someone to it, but logically there's nothing else to be done.

What's the chance of Sam overdosing on alcohol? This is a concern.

And should we accept calls from Sam? He is constantly calling my colleague and she feels very attached to him. She doesn't know whether to be there for him to talk or step back and not answer. She really wants to help him and is incredibly worried about him coming to some harm

As has been said, alcoholics cannot simply stop drinking - this leads to fitting and even death. The alcohol has to be tailed off gradually unless they are under medical treatment.

Like most generalisations this is untrue. This sentence should read:

As has been said, some alcoholics cannot simply stop drinking - this might lead to fitting and even death. In some cases the alcohol has to be tailed off gradually unless they are under medical treatment. Some alcoholics successfully go cold turkey and are absolutely fine.

There’s nothing you can do @Orangeblossomfield. Until he hits rock bottom and accepts he’s powerless to alcohol, he’ll continue drinking.

I am an expat and also used to work with mental health and addiction services in the UK. Having seen what has been done to mental health and addiction services in the UK, I wonder whether returning home is actually what is best for him. If he has health insurance, it might be best for him to check into a facility in the country you are in, depending on language barriers. The support for mental health and addiction issues in the UK is frankly an absolute disgrace and I would be very shocked if you friend was able to access any support whatsoever. I actually think this is true of the NHS in general, which I honestly feel is now awful. Can your friend speak the language of where you now live in order to communicate with doctors, and does he have health insurance that would cover this?

@Blossomtoes he wasn't 'allowed' to go cold turkey when he was in rehab. He dried out under medical supervision and had to take medication.

@MiriMollyMartha he paid privately for the stint in rehab. He doesn't really speak the local language, and definitely not well enough to engage with therapeutic support. He doesn't have insurance but is set up to access the free local health care. His GP speaks English but his judgement doesn't seem to have been great in the past.

I wasn’t talking about your friend @Orangeblossomfield. I was addressing the incorrect blanket statement a pp made about all alcoholics. Some people just stop drinking. The one I know went from two bottles of wine and half a bottle of vodka a day to nothing. Almost two years on they’re still sober.