DD a pain on play dates at ours- why!!!

[RollingInTheCreek]

DD is almost 5 (reception year late July birthday) and we have just had (another) failed play date. She asks for her friend to come round, looks forward to it, makes plans for what’s going to happen then they come over and… she gets all quiet, withdrawn, just wants to watch tv (absolutely not), play with younger sibling or ‘play alone’. I spend 3 hours cajoling, giving them activities, encouraging/bribing her to play. I imagined them to run off upstairs and just play happily but it’s nothing like that and it is literally exhausting.

We hadn’t done one in 3/4 months as the last one (another child) was the same. I’ve sat her down again this evening and said we aren’t doing any more, it’s not acceptable to basically ignore a guest and it’s rude. I understand it’s end of term so she may be tired (it’s not hot here today so it’s not that). I also worry it’ll affect her friendships- she’s absolutely fine at school has lots of friends and plays beautifully, likewise at parties which she goes to loads of, or if we run into friends at the park. It’s something about our house maybe?! I always give them space, maybe leave out a few toys or we chat about what they could do on the walk to school but ideally I don’t want to be hovering over them.

Do I just abandon for a while? I worry she will get left out as they are often reciprocal and I feel rude not inviting kids back to ours if she goes to theirs. I also worry what she’s like at theirs on a play date. Aaargh!

Bump

Both of my dc were the same. It's exhausting. To be honest they are better on neutral ground so we tend to have play dates at the park or soft play.

Once they are older than 7 they tend to do their own thing more. It does get easier!!

Maybe she feels anxious? I think I'd leave them to it if suggesting activities doesn't work.

Have you asked other parents if she is like this at their house?

Normal for 4 OP.
They are more like to play alongside a friend not with them. So I would recommend setting up 'invitations to play' where they'll be along side each other. Such as:

Play doh (some great recipes online at Imagination Tree) and various implements to stick in it and decorate.

Colouring and paper

Dollies (nude) a couple of bowls of water, flannels, brushes and towels. Then they wash the babies.

Big bowls of water and stuff like cups, jugs, watering cans etc.

Water and brushes to mark make outside on the paving.

That kind of thing

I remember dd acting weirdly on playdates at that age sometimes if I was there. She's 18 now and was well behaved throughout school. I just thought I'd reassure you you're not alone.

One of my DC is autistic but my kids are both weird about seeing people from school or a particular setting in a different environment. Such as having a friend from school come to ours. They are particularly weird about home and 'outsiders' being in our house. They don't like many people being here TBH.

I do think it's something quite common. I know friends who don't like having people in their homes.

My 4yr old son is the same.

So excited for a friend to come and play and when the friend gets here he wanders off and does his own thing and i end up entertaining the friend! But speaking to other mums it seems quite common in this age group.

I'm not sure of the answer, I'm sure it improves with time. But you're not alone on this one.

I tend to try and do friend meet ups at the park or soft play as then they play beautifully together!

I think 3 hours is quite long at this age. Could you do something more structured but for a shorter period of time? Decorating cakes (make a batch of fairy cakes in advance and put out pots of icing and various sprinkles / toppings), craft, trip to the park etc. Maybe try for an hour and build up to longer.

When are you having the play dates? Maybe she’s just not in the mood for it when the time comes and she’s not of an age where she can anticipate what she’s going to feel like at the time?

if she’s needing down time after school maybe try a play date at the weekend?

It’s an age thing. I did similar to mrsfoof suggestion in at that age.

Is she better if you go to neutral places like the park ?

I think it's fine to give it a rest for a few months and try another play date in the hope that she's a bit more confident about them. She'll still be seeing friends at school and socializing there

I would stick to parks etc- you’re still inviting people so sure will be reciprocated. What’s she like at others houses?

One of mine was a bit like that. I had a fun activity at the beginning which got them playing.

Warning though: The red glitter stars they made were a lot of fun... however our hoover packed up when I was clearing the mess, and I think I was finding red glitter until we moved house 3 years later.

My 9yo won't let her friends in her room in case they touch her stuff! I worry for her friendships.

At that age play dates were pretty much me entertaining 2 kids for 1.5 - 2.5 hours and then then playing nicely by themselves for 30 mins… especially the last 10 before the other parents showed up 😂
for us what worked was, kid comes in they went to my daughter’s room to see her toys… came back about 10-20 mins later looking for something to do… at that point was taking them to the park next to us (no garden back then) so they had a run… back to ours for snack, craft/baking/planned activity and then I announced we needed to clean before the other kid was picked up… and then they ran out to play by themselves
they started to get easier/me less involved by the time they were 6 / 7 - before that I had a stash of crafty stuff from the pound shop / the works ready for any “play date”

If this is after school could you change it so that you take them somewhere e.g. the park for an hour and then back to yours for tea and dessert and then the time is basically used up then anyway with limited hanging around the house time? Just a thought

I put up with it but really didn't enjoy having people over to play when I was little either. I am an only child so not exactly the same as your situation but I just didn't like my friends in my house, playing with my toys, talking to my mum etc. Sleepovers at mine were an absolute no. I even remember inviting my friends over for pizza for one of my teen birthdays and still just hated them being in my room. Stuck to shopping trips and going for food (and eventually clubbing) for birthdays after that😂I understand it looks quite spoilt on paper. It wasn't a case of not wanting to share my toys or my mum, it just felt invasive and I don't know why. I loved going to my friend's houses though so of course my mum had to return the favour - I don't even think she knew how much I didn't enjoy it. It was totally different at uni. I loved having friends over (apart from the mess!). I live back at home now and still couldn't imagine inviting friends over😂

Thank you for all the ideas and reassurance it is normal!

If it makes you feel any better OP my mum LOVES to remind me about the time she had to play Pop Up Pirate with a play date friend in reception for an hour because I had crawled under the sofa and barked and growled when she tried to drag me out I am now mid twenties and firm friendships, don't worry!

As a Reception teacher - some children chat about play dates a lot. As assimilation is a big thing at that age, others then want to be part of the chat, so start asking to have them, but without really understanding anything beyond the excitement of "X is coming to my house after school". Once they are home, they have no idea at that age how to entertain, be a good host, sustain play etc so unless an adult directs and suggests, for some children it's literally a total unknown situation.

@PowerhouseOfTheCell haha that’s brilliant!
thank you @DecimatedDreams that is so so true thank you for that explanation!

Children won’t run off and play upstairs until, they are a little bit older. When my eldest had friends for tea I knew I’d be the primary source of entertainment, playing board games, taking them into the garden and watching them do their own thing. It’s about 7years old they go off upstairs and entertain each other.