Have I totally fucked up?

[mopphead]

I have been with partner for 8 years. After birth of 2 year old DD he became increasingly unpleasant. He used to be kind and nice, and we had lots of common interests. We now have nothing in common. He interrupts me when I speak, does not care about what I have to say, calls me names, constantly undervalues my job. He works full time and I only work part time. I am not interested in his topics of conversation. Since DD was born he regularly calls me stupid, awful, wicked, idiot, moron, lazy, good for nothing. I do not think he is a nice or kind person. When I try to talk about this he tells me to fuck off and that I am looking for drama.

If we had no kids I would leave and never look back. But I cannot bare the thought of not seeing DD for half the week. I cannot bare the thought of not seeing her for half (or more!) of Christmas and birthdays, animosity at graduations, weddings, grandchildren's birthdays (or whatever landmarks will be important to her when she's an adult). I also do not want her time with her dad to be minimal. She loves her dad, and I think would be damaged by not seeing him, even if I did win substantual custody battles. Also, my job requires flexibility and perhaps local-ish relocation. It's unstable and I was relying on DP being supportive by stepping up with childcare, which I will never persuade him to do if we went our own ways. I don't want a blended family (no offense to those who have them, they are just not for me) so it's not that I am giving up a potential nice relationship. I also do not know how we could afford to run two houses.

Since she was tiny I have told myself that this is the punishment I get for being too stupid to see what he was really like before she was born. I had 6 years to work it out! I have told myself that a good parent shoulders the burdens and ploughs on through, and maybe I can just divorce when she's a teenager. But I am so sad all the time. I wanted more kids but I'm not a total idiot and so will not be having any more with this man. All I wanted was a nice little family, and I will now never have that.

If we had no kids I would leave and never look back

I think having a kid is more reason to leave this sort of abusive environment, not less. Do you want her to grow up thinking this is how fathers are supposed to treat their wives? Do you want him to teach her to treat you the same way?

You do not deserve this, and there is no reason you have to put up with it. You do not have to punish yourself for making the mistake of choosing him.

LTB.

You arent an idiot, he probably didnt show his true colours until after you had the baby and he wasnt the number 1 priority in the same way.

You also wouldnt be depriving his daughter of spending time with him, he would.

I agree with @P1ainJanine
If you stay your dd will think this is normal, and will have such low expectations when it comes to her own future relationships. Imagine seeing her treated like that 20 years down the line.
Shared custody isn't so bad, the time you have with her will be happy quality time and she will benefit from having the best of both worlds.

You don't have to have a blended family but you are entitled to a life with someone who treats you kindly and with respect. Personally I'd rather be alone than with an arse like that. We have all made bad choices when it comes to men, but you don't deserve to be punished for yours.

Goodness OP, you are not being punished. It isn't your job to sleuth out that a man has the potential to be an abuser and suffer it simply because there were no clues to see.

The biggest block I can see in your posts are your own opinions. You can move on, you could have more children in a new and happy relationship should you wish, a blended family is far better than raising a child with an abusive father and being "sad all the time". That is no life and no example for your child to grow up witnessing.

Look into what financial support you would be entitled to if you left or speak to citizens advise to understand how you might run your own household. With regards to custody your child will adjust and so will you,should you end up sharing it.

Do not let being scared about what comes next inform decisions when the outcome of that is that you stay where you are, there are so many options available that aren't wasting your life in misery with an unpleasant man just because you have put yourself off any alternative.

Thank you all I have been thinking about what you've said all week.

@dontgobaconmyheart yes now I see it written out I think you're right. I'm afraid of ruining my child's childhood and afraid of not seeing them for large chunks of the week.

Is he likely to want 50/50 access?

A blended family isn’t for you? A life of shared custody isn’t for you both?

A lifetime of abuse isn’t for you either.

You and your daughter deserve better. Deserve more.

Please leave. You'll help spoil their childhood by letting them witness the abuse. That's very unhealthy

He is punishing you because he doesn’t like the change that parenthood brings. Marriage or a child arriving are the times that men that who were perfectly fine as partners change. Literally Jekyll and Hyde, he won’t change back and you do need to make plans to leave but do not discuss them with him at all.

Will he really want 50/50? Some men start that way then go down to 1 or 2 nights a week when they realise its hard work. They don't want the mental load honestly they think that's womens job. I'd leave and wouldn't worry about 5050

@Adversity yes it was exactly like that!

I'm sure he'll want 50/50. He has enough family around that he could manage and DD would suffer seeing him just at weekends. Also I would not be able to work otherwise.

I think the problem his he would not recognise it as abuse. I think he's just mean and unloving rather than outright abusive. Which of course is bad enough. But then makes it hard to negotiate with. I guess I'm worried that he would be a far more unpleasant ex than partner.

Divorce when she's a teenager

This will be a hundred times worse. If you know it's inevitable then do it now.

There is absolutly no glory in bringing up your DD in a home where this:

Since DD was born he regularly calls me stupid, awful, wicked, idiot, moron, lazy, good for nothing. I do not think he is a nice or kind person. When I try to talk about this he tells me to fuck off and that I am looking for drama.

...is going on. Don't fool yourself that she won't notice, she will and it will affect her and her beliefs about you and more importantly herself for the rest of her life. Her father will always be her father, there's nothing you can do about that, but you can show her that the way he behaves toward you is unacceptable.

Divorce is not a disaster for children, but witnessing their mother being repeatedly treated like a peice of sh*t definitely is.

We are all sold this awful image of being a single mum as living in poverty and things being terrible and being devestated when we don't have our kids with us.

Please be assured the reality is much much different. I have never had more disposable income. My kids have never been happier. I have never been happier.

This lie we are told by society keeps us in shit relationships. Being with my ex was a million times harden than being a single mum.

OP I say this as someone who left her husband 5 years ago and does 50/50 (by choice), my life is so much better now and, most importantly, my child isn't growing up thinking emotional abuse is normal.

You talk about punishing yourself by staying, but that it'll be worth it to give your DD a happy childhood. But, and I don't mean this harshly, by staying you'll be setting her a very low standard for how she should be treated in relationships. Not exposing her to an emotionally abusive relationship will have a much more positive impact on her future life than staying and playing 'happy families'.

Life is too short for regrets. If you really intend to carry on, blank any rudeness from him, treat him with respect (so dd sees at least one of her parents behaving honourably) buy a vibrator and cultivate a group of close friends and hobbies. There is so much to love in this world, music, animals, the land, crafts, friends and family, religion, to make society better and have a purpose. Many societies see marriage as a transaction and don’t necessarily expect love. Fill your life with so much love and laughter that the husband becomes an afterthought.

A strange thing, if you keep treating people with real even when they are mistreating you, they start to show it back.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. It's infuriating because most of the time it's tolerable! It's just whenever he's angry with me it all goes to pot.

@Punsnet and @littleburn thank you for your perspectives. You're right, I have internalised the idea that it is much harder. But I suppose I am comapring it to a happy relationship. I can see how in many ways it might be better than an unhappy one.

@Heatstrokeunsteady genuinely, thank you - this is lovely advice. I lack all of those things in my life (I used to have them!) and I think it's made the situation at home worse.