Meeting birth parents if you were adopted

[Adoptionhelp123]

Hi,
i have name changed for this but looking for some advice from anyone who has been adopted and met their birth parents or equally if you are a birth parent who has met the child they had adopted later in life.
How did you meet and do you have any tips around how to make the experience as comfortable as possible?
This is happening soon to a family member and we are trying to help make it as easy as possible for both sides, appreciating this is a very complex issue.

Hello, it's good of you to be asking for advice but I'd recommend heading over the the adoption board on here (under becoming a parent) as there are lots of threads and posters who will be able to give you genuine advice from all angles, birth parent, adoptee, adopters, social workers etc)

It's an emotive subject and getting advice from people who have no actual experience could be horrible for you.

Best of luck to you all.

Thanks!

I am adopted was at birth and now 48 have never met my BM but we have written to each other a few times.

Only advice is don't expect too much and only give emotionally what you can cope with losing ,good luck.

Thanks @Laliga518 it’s not a dissimilar situation, the ‘child’ is a similar age to you and was adopted at birth, will be meeting birth mother for the first time shortly after a few emails/FaceTimes - they are a long distance apart

It makes it much easier for both sides if they have someone supportive around them to talk about it. Some people find it extremely emotional and feel a connection, whilst others don't. There's no right or wrong there.
There are books on adoption reunions which would help. There is some post adoption support such as the Post Adoption Centre.

I met my birth mother for the first time age 29. This was back in the 90’s. We had been separated by distance because my adoptive parents had emigrated to another country, because of this we did communicate quite a lot before we met. I also had counselling which at the time was mandated. I think you need to be prepared for every eventuality.
I am no longer in contact with my birth mother for various reasons. She was rather toxic and I tolerated her for a number of years and then went NC.
Incidentally I have only recently discovered who my biological father was. My birth mother only ever disclosed minimal info, which is why I thought I would never find him. Unfortunately he had passed away 5 months earlier! The good thing is I am now in contact with an aunt and a brother I never knew I had.
I met a brother only last month ( We are both in our 50’s). It was awkward at first, but that only lasted a few minutes.
You always seem to see happy reunions on the television, and this is not always the case. Even preparing myself I found it quite difficult to handle the rejection. I have a number of siblings and not all are happy about my existence. The ones on my father’s side had no idea. And then turning up just after his death while a coincidence, must have raised red flags for them.

I don’t regret any of it, as I have finally solved my story. Good luck and feel free to AMA.

A lot of people say these reunions rarely work out but mine has lasted nearly 30 years. PM me if you want to know more.

@LadyJaneHall Thanks - I have just tried to PM you but for some reason it isn’t working - we have bought a lot of books but haven’t found one around reunions, if there are any recommendations I would really appreciate it, thanks

@MermaidMeemaw yes the situation we are in doesn’t seem to be anything like what you see on tv! We just want to make sure everyone involved is well supported, thank you for sharing your story

I met my birth parents and extended family in my 20s. My extended family are lovely people and I stay in regular contact with them. I'm really not bothered about my birth parents and don't have much to do with them.

The Adoption Reunion Handbook by Julia Feast, David Howe etc. is on amazon - expensive on Kindle but cheap secondhand.
Half a Million Women about birth mothers by David Howe and others is a good book (on Amazon).
I have read several books but not recently and can't remember details. If you google adoption reunion books there are several but if possible read British ones, rather than American as their adoption experiences are different.

No personal experience but I have two friends who met their birth families some years ago.

Both of the said that they had had too many expectations and that in reality there was nothing there other than the fact they were biologically related. The TV shows seem to portray these meetings as happy times where families are reunited when actually this is rarely the case.

As above, don’t give away more than you can afford to lose in terms of your emotional input.

I met my birth mother 18 years ago, when I was in my mid thirties, as we had both registered with a charity called NORCAP. It made it easier to know that my birth mum had been looking for us too. We all received a little counselling and advice before making contact. I have a biological twin sister, so that helped, as I had someone to talk to who understood what I was going through, and we went through it together. We wrote to her a couple of times, exchanged photos, then after about 3 months, we went to stay for a night at her house. Looking back, that seems a very odd decision to have made, but it worked out, and we are now very close. We were very lucky.

I'd say, go slowly. Don't expect too much. Be there for your family member. Strangely, I found the whole thing to be quite easy, but that's perhaps because it went so well. I suspect it would have been very hard if my birth mum had rejected us all over again.