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Original poster

To not attend a family members funeral

20 replies

MissCrowley · 13/07/2022 17:16

This is really difficult for me but a close family member died over very recently.
We used to be close but I moved away and they seemed to fall out with me over it.
They had nothing more to do with me and limited contact.
To give some background they had lost their partner 7 years prior and was clearly lonely.
They also had illnesses which prevented them from doing the things they wanted and this made them very bitter (which I understand)

I'm not sure whether to go to the funeral as I'm not convinced the person would want me there as they hadn't made contact with me over the last 18 months or so.
I did try but they either screened my calls or would make an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

There's a whole other side to this story regarding one of my parents (who was her child) who was very absent for the majority of my life which made it hard for me to want to go and visit due to the hurt they had also caused.
I feel so guilty and I'm in so much pain and upset. It's all consuming and I'm at a loss of what to do.

Sometimes I think bollocks to it I'm not going, they didn't treat me well or my kids

But then other times I just have this immense guilt where I feel like I could've done more but not sure what as I did try and make contact. Albeit The most recent being Christmas, they refused to speak to me and when my DD asked to speak to them (who is only a young child) they put the phone down. It's all such a big mess and I'm exhausted as all I do at night is cry about it.

OP posts:

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 13/07/2022 17:18

I think l would give this one a swerve op.
Maybe have some quiet time on the day of the funeral but doesn't sound like they treated you very well at all.

gogohmm · 13/07/2022 17:22

What about the living people who will be there? Are there people attending who would benefit from your presence, anyone you would like to see? Funerals are for the living really

JudgeRindersMinder · 13/07/2022 17:24

So it’s your grandmother?

I think with a funeral you have to do whatever’s going to leave you with the clearest conscience. By not going, is there a possibility that other family members may make life awkward for you going forward?

Original poster

MissCrowley · 13/07/2022 17:30

I have no contact with any of the other members of that family anyway. So would not really be going to see anyone in particular.

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 13/07/2022 17:31

I'm sorry for your loss. Your grandparent is now dead so don't worry about what they would think (sorry to be blunt).

Do you WANT to go? Would it help with grieving and closure? If so, go.

Original poster

MissCrowley · 13/07/2022 17:39

This is the thing, it's a 4 hr round trip. There's nowhere in particular I can stay. My father may offer but I'd rather not.

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 13/07/2022 17:53

So this is your grandmother? Despicable behaviour of her to treat you like that for moving away and living your life.

What was your relationship with her like when you were a child? I think you should go to remember those earlier good times and see other family members you likely don't get to see often. I doubt you'll find you're the only one she treated poorly.

Gazelda · 13/07/2022 18:04

I'm sorry for your loss. This does sound very difficult for you. it's opened up old sounds.

Would you regret not going? Might you regret going?

I think if it were me, I'd go to the service but not the gathering afterwards. I'd then get myself a nice lunch and take it to a peaceful park or somewhere you have happier memories of your relative.

And plan a relaxing evening when you get home - it's likely to be N emotional exhausting day.

But if you feel you don't want to go, then I think that's ok too.

Original poster

MissCrowley · 13/07/2022 18:09

Thank you everyone, you're being really kind. I feel like I don't deserve it. It's been a horrible few days.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 13/07/2022 18:10

Just go.

There are many reasons why people treat others that way- normally unhappiness.

Funerals help honour the whole person, who they were their whole life. Some people aren’t at their best when they are old, lonely, ill etc

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 13/07/2022 18:13

I wouldn’t go. But I would take time out of my day to reflect on the positive things they had brought to my life and then let them go. Ideally around the time of the service.

but we are all different, so do what YOU need to do, in order to move forward.

Original poster

MissCrowley · 13/07/2022 18:19

@spotcheck I do get this. I was unbearable to live with when I had an injury for a year. I was so irritable and just pissed off and angry with everyone.

OP posts:

REP22 · 13/07/2022 18:23

Bless you. What a grim situation. I wouldn't go if it were me. I'd take a moment to remember them on the day, maybe go and sit quietly in a church where you can light a candle for them, if that appeals to you. Or sow a little packet of forget-me-not seeds somewhere, in quiet commemoration of what you used to be to each other.

Whatever works for you. But putting yourself through an ordeal - and in the company of people you'd prefer to avoid - for the sake of appearances probably won't be helpful in the long term. Remember your relative in the way that works best for you now - you can always send flowers or a donation to charity in their memory in lieu of your actual presence.

Best wishes x

RiverSkater · 13/07/2022 18:46

You don't owe this person anything, they treated you and your daughter badly. If they weren't family, would you go? Probably not.

Be kind to yourself and invest your time and care in people who deserve it.

ILoveYoga · 13/07/2022 18:52

Very sorry for your loss and for the difficult relationship ship with them. Please go. If you don’t go, there will be that possible guilt that you can never do anything about. Go. Hold your head up high that you’re paying your respects, whether your grandparent deserved it or not.

Mangogogogo · 13/07/2022 18:56

No man. I have a family member like this who is now dying and fucking moaning that no one is bothered.

CPL593H · 13/07/2022 18:58

My Victorian grandmother always said "Funerals are for the living". If all attending will do is cause you is upset and stress, you shouldn't go. She will gain nothing and it won't help you.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/07/2022 19:00

I don't think I would go, if only because of the shabby way they treated my child, who was undeserving of that. Mark the funeral day any way you see fit. It's a lot of fuel to pay for and angst for someone who chose to treat others badly.

I don't think you should feel guilty if you choose not to attend. If you do go, are you prepared for anyone to question your presence? Funerals are for the living, but some people seem to forget this.

Bluebellsand · 13/07/2022 20:48

Sorry for your loss op💐

I would attend the funeral to get closure and say good bye to the grandmother that was once good.

I also find burials/ funeral very spiritual and gets me thinking about life and death. Especially if I knew the deceased.

picklemewalnuts · 13/07/2022 21:00

You don't need to go for your grandma. She isn't there. If she's 'somewhere else' then she'll understand anyway!

You don't need to go for the other family members.

Do you want to go for yourself, or can you better come to terms with things in your own time and space?

I'm sorry for your loss. Relationships are complicated, people are complicated, feelings are complicated. We don't always behave as well as we'd like. Be kind to yourself.

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