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Original poster

Male friend gone cold

10 replies

Cherry55 · 13/07/2022 12:36

I have been friends with this guy for 20 odd years, we've done the weddings, kids, and divorces. He's always been a good, genuine friend and we've been in contact frequently.

Our respective spouses (my exh and his girlfriend - he was married before but was already divorced) ended up having an affair and are together. Terrible at the time, but years have past and we are through that.

He's quickly remarried, I have a partner but since him remarrying recently he's changed. It's utterly bonkers but he has to refer to his new wife in every message with his opinion. "Hey old friend, so this happened" "Well Cherry55, my wife and I think..."

WTF, it's irritating me to a point I get really cross with his messages. But I feel bad as our kids ask after the others and he is just not available without consulting his and the wife's diary. Therefore he's never available.

Is this just what happens with men. I've tried to connect with his new wife too, there is no reason for her not to be there when we meet up, I'd like to get to know her better too. I think I'm a pretty nice person, so not sure she dislikes me!

Should I leave him to get on with it? I just feel a pull of sadness that a 20 year friendship is being binned.

OP posts:
MissusPongo · 13/07/2022 12:44

I don't think it sounds like the friendship has been binned, just that his priorities have changed a bit since getting married. Checking with his wife before committing to a social arrangement is not unusual, is it?

Might be worth trying to get things arranged further in advance (IME couples tend to need a longer lead time because they have two people's diaries to fit things with).

From your post it sounds like you were expecting things to stay exactly the same and you're the one thinking of binning the friendship (or "leaving him to get on with it") because they've changed a bit.

Adversity · 13/07/2022 12:44

One of my old colleagues married and actually messaged a mutual friend that his new wife would not let him have women friends and to let us all know. He had been a really close friend for years with her they had shared a flat at uni

He was such a lovely guy he had a lot of women friends.

I think though not as extreme as my mate she doesn’t like him having women friends.

Adversity · 13/07/2022 12:45

Of course it is ok to check her diary.

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Cherry55 · 13/07/2022 12:48

@MissusPongo no, I am arranging this months in advance and of course wouldn't expect him to not consult the wife, totally fine. But he's gone from actively arranging meet ups - turning up and mine last minute with the kids for a day out, hell he even turned up on my holiday for a laugh!

It's not just the meet ups that have me questioning things. i told him about a health condition I had, and unsolicited, I get "my wife was surprised to hear that..." Everything is also "we". It's a bit full on. I've been married for decades and can answer a message without referring to my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherry55 · 13/07/2022 12:50

@Adversity I don't know her well enough, but would be surprised if it were a silly jealousy thing. And i'd be all the more disappointed if it was. I have 20 years proof of being no threat.

OP posts:
janeseymour78 · 13/07/2022 12:52

I have a friend of about the same length. He sometimes does this in verbal conversation. I think it's what happens when people think as a 'we' most of the time and can be when the partner is a bit possessive.

But it is annoying because it isn't a normal conversation dynamic. It doesn't sound like he has dropped you, just that things have changed. That is his choice so you will need to wait and see how things pan out.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 13/07/2022 13:09

@janeseymour78 maybe. he is very different in person too - it's almost bizarre the change. I don't feel like I can relax around him/them. I would have been able to barge into his house and eat something out of the fridge without asking before.

OP posts:
Notodaynotever · 13/07/2022 13:11

I don't think you should expect to be able to barge in and eat something out of the fridge now though.

KatherineJaneway · 13/07/2022 13:15

Sounds like she is reading his messages. I suspect his behaviour change is her doing. Some women do not like their bf's or dh's having female friends.

Original poster
Cherry55 · 13/07/2022 13:20

@Notodaynotever well no, but setting the scene for the level of friendship previously. She'd set the hounds on me now.

@KatherineJaneway It feels very much like this. 10 hour delay in response. Utterly ridiculous if so.

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