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Original poster

Child keeping in touch with teaching assistant.

30 replies

UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 18:59

Ds 11 is autistic. Had the same ta for the last 4 years, off to secondary in September, she is retiring so no longer gonna be at the school.

I know my kids school is really strict on staff being Facebook friends with parents etc.

but considering that he'll be leaving and she is retiring. There's no harm in exchanging email addresses is there? Obviously she might not want to which will be fine but Ds is a bit emotional thinking he'll never see her again - not sure if we will ever bump into her or anything. So worth asking perhaps?

also, thank you gifts for said ta for 4 years of working with him and retiring??

OP posts:
Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:00

I was thinking of making Ds his first proper email address he could give to her rather than going through my email address!!

OP posts:
PyjamaFan · 12/07/2022 19:01

Personally I don't think it's appropriate to ask her to stay in touch.

Eileen101 · 12/07/2022 19:02

It's default not appropriate!

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SuperSange · 12/07/2022 19:03

That's quite awkward for her; it's not really appropriate to keep in contact like that.

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 12/07/2022 19:04

I don't think it is appropriate and you are likely to set him up for disappointment.
She may feel obliged to pretend to agree to stay in touch but in all likelyhood will let the contact fizzle out as quickly as possible.

BiscoffSundae · 12/07/2022 19:04

I don’t know but same thing here dd is 11 asd and been with her for 3 years she will be devastated not to see her 1:1 anymore, she’s not retiring though

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 12/07/2022 19:05

Not appropriate.

derekthe1adyhamster · 12/07/2022 19:07

It's tricky, but the first thing I would say is not to use his own email address. Always go through yours.

I have a similar problem in a way, I have left a school to work in another school and I work in pastoral care. Some of the children want to keep in touch, slightly older 13+. I have told them that I will keep in touch through another teacher (I understand you can't) and when I have my new school email address they can contact me through that, using their school email address. I expect that come September, they will have forgotten about me which is right and normal, but it was one way of stemming the tears......

I expect that your son will move on, but maybe tell him that you can keep the TA up to date with what is going on with him?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 12/07/2022 19:07

Can you not ask her and if she agrees then DS can give her his email address. He doesn't need to know if she says no.

Meem321 · 12/07/2022 19:09

The only people who can decide if it's appropriate are you/ds and her.

At least give her the option. Maybe write his email address in her leaving card and she can decide if she wants to message.

MumChats · 12/07/2022 19:12

Sad to hear so many saying it's not appropriate. I dont see the harm in including personal contact details in a thank you card and something like "would love to stay in touch" then leave it to her. Might happen organically then (or fizzle out).

My aunt worked 1:1 with a SEN child for about 7 years. They stayed in touch when the child moved schools and the mum was always keen to maintain contact, they'd meet up for days out and my aunt took the child out alone a few times too, contact just naturally diminished as the child became an adult and they haven't met up for maybe 10 years now. It was lovely and there was nothing inappropriate about it, although this all happened probably 20 years ago so perhaps it's more frowned on now. A shame imo.

Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:14

Thanks all. This is why I asked, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate but it appears maybe not so. I wouldn't have considered it if she was still working at the school after - Dd will still be there but it's just that she's retiring. It's a small school and they have a very close bond. It's been full time 1:1.

my idea was to give out an email address to her and she can decide.

I have had a ta that worked with him in infant age who he was also very close to in his younger years adding myself as a friend in Facebook - she no longer works in that school or any school. We don't communicate much but I think she likes to see photos etc.

I guess it depends on the individual person.

OP posts:
Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:15

My sil also works in schools and is keeping in contact with a disabled child she become close to whilst working in a school - working abroad atm though!

OP posts:
skelter83 · 12/07/2022 19:15

I keep in touch with a former pupil through his parent’s email. It’s lovely!

Hoolahulahoop · 12/07/2022 19:16

I have kept in contact with ex pupils and their parents - so she might like to. But you can't assume. In terms of gifts a nice voucher for a local department shop would be good.

Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:16

My plan was to give her an email address and let her decide! I do have her personal address as she had to send my something in the school holidays before but I wouldn't just email it randomly 😅 it would be her choice entirely!

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 12/07/2022 19:17

Some of my former pupils are fb friends but they're in their thirties now and old enough to decide for themselves how much contact they want or don't want.

Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:17

Hoolahulahoop · 12/07/2022 19:16

I have kept in contact with ex pupils and their parents - so she might like to. But you can't assume. In terms of gifts a nice voucher for a local department shop would be good.

I was thinking voucher, thank you. Usually the school do a round robin retirment thing for staff but I would rather do an individual gift in our case!

OP posts:
Theladybirdthatsaidboo · 12/07/2022 19:18

No, I think that’s inappropriate and putting her in an awkward position of having to say no to him. I’ve worked with kids and no way in hell would I ever correspond with any of them, even though I no longer do that line of work. I’d be putting myself in a really dodgy position exchanging private emails with a child. Plus, as lovely as the kids were and as much as I cared for them while they were my job, they weren’t my children or my friends and I didn’t particularly want to keep in touch.

I’m sure she’s amazing and fond of your son, but caring for him was her job - a job she’s retired from. Plus your son, for his own good as much as anyone else’s, needs to understand the boundaries of appropriate relationships with school staff and this suggestion is hugely blurring them.

I think you need to focus on helping your son to say an appropriate goodbye and deal with his feelings of sadness.

dontyoubother · 12/07/2022 19:20

We've had this at the school I work in. For years you work closely with children, often more so for those with ASN. You can build a really lovely working relationship. As PP said a card thanking the TA and saying DS would like to keep in touch with the occasional email, add your email address then leave it at that. I wouldn't tell your DS so as not to get his hopes up, the TA may not want to keep in touch which is fair enough. I think it's lovely though.

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 12/07/2022 19:21

If you are going to give her an email address, it can't be his email address. If she has been working as a TA for years, she isn't going to suddenly be comfortable emailing a child just because she's retired.

People who work with children don't just follow the safeguarding rules just because they are a legal requirement!

StopStartStop · 12/07/2022 19:24

Actually, I have more to say on this.

The continued connection though distant, when school is over, is really important. If you see her around town, say hello. Things that have really mattered to me...
My dgd's kindergarten teacher recognised me and stopped me in town, and asked about the little one she taught seven years ago. We exchanged some meaningful news, and I was able to express how important her care had been to the little one and our family.
Former pupil stopping me and saying he and his group of friends had taken my advice, encouraged each other through sixth form and into university, and are all doing well.
Former pupil coming up to me on the tram, telling me he'd stayed on a stop longer than he needed to, so he could tell me he's doing well (a lawyer now) and he appreciated my work. Bloody hell, that meant so much.
Right I won't bore you with more, but if the TA matters to you, let her know. She might carry it to her grave.

Original poster
UserNo274729473 · 12/07/2022 19:25

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 12/07/2022 19:21

If you are going to give her an email address, it can't be his email address. If she has been working as a TA for years, she isn't going to suddenly be comfortable emailing a child just because she's retired.

People who work with children don't just follow the safeguarding rules just because they are a legal requirement!

That's true thank you. It would have been heavily supervised by me just not to my email but thanks. I'll take it on board

OP posts:
UpdateStoleMyProfile · 12/07/2022 19:25

Give her your contact details, not his. Write her a card and say how much you’ve appreciated everything she’s done. Tell her you’d love to stay in touch, but then leave it up to her. Enclose photographs as she won’t be able to take her own.

wouldn’t be appropriate to give her your child’s email address - any contact should go through you. I’m sure in reality even if he did have his own email address you’d be reading things, but it’s just good practice to keep things between the adults.

MamaWingsIt · 12/07/2022 19:29

I've been the young adult in this situation!

I'm now 32, have my own 3 children and the teacher I'm referring to often sends a message/comments on my FB posts to wish us well and comments on how grown up my children are getting.

This stemmed from her having good contact with my parents when I was extremely poorly in ICU at age 15 when she was my form tutor. She waited until I was 19/20 before adding and she had also left the school.

Personally, I think it's a lovely idea. What's the worst that the TA could say?! "Sorry that's a lovely gesture but I'm unable to accept." At least you'll have tried!

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