Flying to NZ

[Poyyu23]

My DH wants to go to NZ to visit his family now that we are allowed again. Our DD is 5 and she’s an absolute nightmare to travel with. We have done a few European trips where I had to entertain her the whole time. She doesn’t want him but just me so he gets to watch a movie while I just have to sit by her and cater to her needs. I get it, he wants to see his family, and I suggested he goes on his own. He won’t do that as he wants our DD to come. She won’t go without me. I can’t mentally handle a 31 hour journey that will cost us £5k in an economy class. We used to live in NZ together and have done a lot of flying there and back and it takes so long to adjust to it with jetleg. I suggested we go the following Christmas when she’s hopefully more manageable or he just goes on his own. I don’t get why doesn’t he go on his own. I would! I am being awful?

Let your dd and dh go together. You say she wants you but if you are not there what will happen? In any case that is an issue for your dh to solve. I’d refuse to go too!

Presumably he wants his family to see DD, rather than just go to see them himself. I’m sure they are dying to see her too so yes, you are being a little bit awful, especially if you have family here who all get to see DD and the 3 of you altogether as a family.

She won’t go without me. She has hardly spent a night away from me. Plus I can’t imagine him handling her on a 31 hour journey with a long layover in some random airport. Plus another 2 hour car journey when they gets there!

His mum came here ages ago to meet her. I do feel bad as I know his dad would love to meet her. But I know my DD and this is far too much for her. She gets easily bored and she will tantrum, and yell and scream. She can get uncontrollable very easily and a journey like this will Set her off.

We are thinking of visiting/moving but the flight horrifies me. Is it possible to do the journey over several days/ a week, flying overnight for a max of 7/8hours?

"She won’t go without me."

She is 5. Her parents decide where she goes and with whom. As PP says, if she and he go without you, it'll be down to him to parent her. He may manage very well. I would expect my DH to manage to parent his child, with ups and downs just as I would have.

Alternatively, if you can't face the flight but wouldn't mind going, you could go by ship. This assumes you can take the time, of course, and find the money.

Sounds like he needs to spend more time bonding with his daughter and looking after her. If anything happened to you, he would have to take care of her. At five, would she not concentrate on a film? I remember flying to the States when my children were a similar age. I sat in the row with my children and my dh had a good old sleep for himself across the aisle 🙄😂. But if you and your husband are in a row of three it should be easier to take turns in entertaining your dd.

I'd hate to do the trip with a five year old. Hell, I'd hate to do the trip as a five year old. You don't want to do it. You don't want to go as the nanny while he kicks back and relaxes, then to be the big I am with the whanau, while you still get to be the nanny. It's okay for you to say, yep, fine, you go, but I'm not, and you can take the child or not. It's your call.

Offer free flight to some 20-year-old in return for looking after the kid all flight…I would have jumped at an offer like that in a heartbeat!

I had similar fears with my hyper 4 year old DS a few years ago. Needn't have worried - he was entranced by the whole experience and was good as gold. His own TV! The food trays with compartments! Seeing what clouds really look like! Loved it.

I'd be gutted if my DH prevented me taking my family back to reconnect with my NZ family, and with my country (I feel strongly that my kids should be able to feel like NZ is home too) so I think you really need to suck this up. Part and parcel of being an international family.

We are actually considering moving to NZ (for work). We have a 5 year old and a 3 month old and we are dreading the thought of the flight and how far it is from everything and everyone

I took my 3 first time at 3, 7 and 9 years....and my 3 year old was a proper live wire....you'll manage it...or your partner will ....and live to tell the tale... its a l9ng journey but its doable... sounds like you don't really want to go

We took our children when they were 5 and 7. Stopped in Singapore on the way there and Bali on the way back. It was fine.

We had to do this flight many years ago after living in NZ. My boys were 2.5 and 9 months. It was nightmare and just after 9/11 so security very high. We went Auckland to Tahiti, then Tahiti to LA. Stayed for one night in LA which broke the journey up a bit then LA to Heathrow. Because of 9/11, two flights had sort of been amalgamated into one as some people had cancelled. me and dh were split up, him with 2.5 year old ds who managed to get into a tantrum and throw a full glass of orange juice down another passengers leg about an hour into a twelve hour flight ! Prior to this I did the journey with Ds1 when he was six months old on my own.

We did it with a just 3 yr old, 6 yr old, 8yr old, 10yr old (turned 10 on the flight) and 13yr old. It's was long but surprisingly manageable. We flew to Bangkok - 4 hrs layover and straight on to Auckland. Basically you get them to sleep and watch films/iPad or whatever for the whole journey.

Thank you for the messages everyone. We did this trip many times ourselves (prior to our DD) and would stop in HK or LA for a few days. Our leave is limited these days and can only fly during school holidays so that makes it a bit more difficult. I said we can hopefully plan it probably next year when she’s a bit more manageable. But it’s not only the flights. Who ever did this journey knows it takes so long to get over the jet leg. Normally it would take us a week and then we would have to fly back. He is welcome to do research himself and sort out the flights/stop overs to see what would suit. Plus he can always do a trip this year himself and next year with us.

will his parents travel? Could you meet somewhere half way e.g. Thailand so your h can see his family and they can spend time with your daughter?

I’m from NZ and have always said I would not take DS there until he was of an age to largely control his behaviour on the flights etc. I’ve probably done around 24 trips to/from NZ in my life and have seen enough variations in children’s behaviour on flights to know that I don’t wish to subject fellow passengers to my DC’s undesirable behaviour. He’s fine to travel now at 7yrs but Covid has prevented us visiting obviously until now.

I’d say your DH can take her or you wait until next year. Your DH needs to build up a strong relationship with his DD and take on more responsibility for her day-to-day so this type of refusal to go without you is less likely to be an issue.