Lazy non-drivers

[getyourownnetflix]

This is v specific regarding the lack of being arsed to learn to drive when given EVERY opportunity.

DD22 is home for the holidays. All her friends are also home and of course they all like to get together. Sometimes in the nearest town and sometimes at each other's homes.

DD lives in a v rural area. Her close friends are in the next rural village (6 miles north and the next (9 miles north) Both of these girls are from comfortable homes and at 17 one was bought a car and driving lessons and the other driving lessons and insured on family car. As was DD.

DD did not find it easy but we put in the work. Every time I needed to go somewhere she drove. Drove to school and back with me sitting besides her. Got loads of practice but still took her three shots at it because of nerves. Anyway she did it .

DD Worked two jobs and bought a small car that she taxes insures and pays petrol for. I pay for the MOT and repairs.

Since arriving home it's become the increasing assumption that DD will be the 'driver' as these other two were 'too busy with other stuff' to knuckle down to driving. I could understand this if they lived in a town perhaps but as neither work when back from Uni they all like to party late and there are no late buses anyway. Instead the default is to assume that DD will just ferry everyone around .. 'it's ok we will give you petrol money' .. it's really starting to get her down.

Last straw was last night. Dinner party at first friends house. DD has driven there. Friend from furthest village has been dropped off by parent. At the end of the evening about midnight DD is about to drive home.. when Ffriend starts making a drama about having to book a taxi and could someone help her find one. (She and the rest of the people in this area know it to be impossible at this time of night in such a rural spot) a lot of 'sighing' and carrying on about 'what she could do' .. so middle friends mum chips in with 'I'm sure 'Millie' can give you a lift if you give her some petrol money. ..

Of course DD did that . At midnight she drove 3 miles further on and then 9 miles back home which was twice the journey she was planning . Took an extra half an hour which is a lot when you have to get up for work at 7:30.. but these are old and close friends from school and she doesn't want to fall out with them.

The middle friend is just as bad. (Worse in my eyes as she has a bloody car of her own sitting in the drive that now her younger brother is using !)

Add to that that petrol money is usually a fiver .. (when a taxi would cost closer to £25 at that time of night) DD just feels a bit used. Friends also see that by not driving they can always be the one to have a drink..

How does she fix this without falling out ?

I think you need to take a step back and let your dd manage this.

Tbh I doubt driving an extra 9 miles took half an hour.

If there was an expectation that your dd was always the one driving so not able to have a drink, that woukd be unfair, but if she's driving anyway and the distances aren't huge (I am rural and 9 miles is nothing tbh) I think it would be churlish not to drop people off. That said, if your dd isn't happy to drop others off, she will have to say.

Tell her to say no. Simple as.

At midnight she drove 3 miles further on and then 9 miles back home which was twice the journey she was planning . Took an extra half an hour which is a lot when you have to get up for work at 7:30..

so she drove an extra 6 miles and it took her an extra 30 mins to drive that?! At 22 getting 7 hours sleep before work is definitely doable, rhe 30 mins extra doesn’t really make a difference

That aside, I think you need to step back and let her sort this out. It’s very different being 35 and not driving to being 22 and not driving when a lot of people still don’t at that age.

The best way forward is for her to sort this out at the start of the night and be more emphatic about her terms - ie “hi I’ll be driving but can only give you a lift to the nearest station / petrols expensive so it will be £10 / I can’t give lifts tonight as I’m starting work early so make sure you book a cab etc etc”

once those friends learn to drive they’ll be happy to be DD for a while and your dd can sit back

I lived rurally and would regularly spend an hour taking friends home (and yes worked full time too)😂Sometimes it was a chore and mostly it was fine. I did stipulate that I set the 'going home' time though; if they wanted to stay out later, that was up to them to sort out.

I think your daughter just needs to establish boundaries. If she's nice about it and they fall out with her, then they aren't very nice people.

She can point out it isn't fair on her, ask what they plan to do about their driving. Can she offer to help with driving practice (in their car)?

She can also specify when she won't give lifts. "If you want a lift to xyz then you need to let me know by abc." "I can't offer you a lift so you'll need to sort yourself out."

Thank you for some good suggestions. Completely obvious when I think about it but was just so annoyed for her that I wasn't thinking logically.

Yes of course this is not my fight. I am far from a helicopter parent - preferring the 'benign neglect' parenting approach. I would never push in and act on her behalf , however she asked me and I have come to MN to pose the question. And I have the answer.

She simply needs to set the boundaries before the evening /activities begins and sometimes say 'no' I want a drink tonight let's split a taxi..

For all those sniffing about an extra 30 mins for 6 miles I don't understand why you doubt it . All windy country lanes.. Faff before leaving , Chit chat on arrival .. 10 min drive each way before getting back to starting point. Then home... but it's not the time or the money really - after 4 years of this she's feeling a bit put upon and taken for granted .

God yes, driving on country roads (if in rural England) is nothing like driving up and down an A road. You really have to watch your speed and focus your concentration, especially after dark.

Could you offer DD a lift on occasion (not all the time, obviously) just to break the expectation that she'll always be driving, staying sober and available to give lifts back? And make it clear that you're picking up her only and not running her friends about!

Don't wait until the night concerned before setting the boundaries. Your DD needs to do it now.

I agree that it is not just 'a bit more' with country lanes. As this country allows people who in my opinion should never have a licence to drive, and whose lack of driving standards are condoned by people like Jeremy Clarkson's followers.

Oh I don't doubt the time at all. This time of year I really miss it - the quiet roads, windows down, the smell of warm summer evenings...

Other stipulations - never on my birthday (NYE, ha).

Agree with PP - set the boundaries when the date is set.

Not all teenagers who start driving at 17 even with a car and lessons will go on to pass. DC1 hasn’t it is something they can’t master. Having said that as someone who lived in the middle of nowhere as a teenager / young adult with my own car I do agree it is boundaries that your DD needs to set.