My partner and I have been together for over 18 years. Throughout that time he has suffered from bipolar disorder and there has been abuse on and off. During lockdown it escalated. He threatened to punch me in the face, shoot me in the face, called me every name including see you next Tuesday. One day he told me that if 'you carrying on talking to me like that lets see what happens to your face' to which I replied if you are going to punch me then just do it (I was fed up with the threats and trying to intimidate me) he then went for me (for the second time) pinned me down on the couch and put his hand really hard down on my jaw. It was terrifying and I screamed hoping that a neighbour would hear and may be call the police. The worse thing was our two year old was in the room and was screaming and crying. I felt the safest thing to do was to leave the house. He wouldn't let me leave with my child and, although it was probably a selfish decision I left for a while and then came back. As usual he apologised said it would never happen again blah, blah, blah.
Then a few months later we went to a wedding. He got so drunk he vomited all over his suit and in my car. He again started to become abusive. He started to call me a pig and flick his sick at me. I told him it was over and I would be leaving with my daughter the next day he shouted 'you really want to f#*king do that ?' And went into the kitchen. I was worried in case he was going to grab a knife (not sure why) and again left the house. This time I phoned the police and they came almost immediately so I could get my daughter. They told me my partner was too intoxicated to have my daughter stay at the same house and I should find somewhere to stay for the night. I left with my daughter but couldn't find anywhere to stay. I just remember looking at her as I was driving in the mirror and thinking you deserve so much better than this.
Anyway the next morning I packed everything (including my daughter into the car) and told my partner it was over and I was leaving. I went to stay with my parents for six weeks. During which time my partner seemed to accept responsibility for his actions and be generally remorseful. We decided to slowly move back together.
Since then the drinking has gotten worse. He does less and less to help me around the house. I've just had 10 days of annual leave and he has spent most nights/days playing computer games. He says he is working (despite the fact he admitted he only works one day a week) but can play pc games in the background. I'm literally at the end of my tether. I feel like I've been stupid in going back. Although things are in no ways as bad as they were before I left I can see they are starting to slip back and know that I will soon have to leave again, this time for good.
I wonder if anyone has any experience with this ? Looking after my daughter on my own doesn't scare me, I've pretty much been doing that anyway (Although my partner is an amazing dad and my daughter and him adore eachother) I'm worried because he has made threats towards me if I leave and take her. He said he would kill himself. Or before when he has been drinking he said he would employ lawyers who would ensure he had full custody and I would never see her again. Or more worryingly he told me (again when he was drunk) that if I leave and take our daughter with me 'good luck with staying alive' to which I replied 'what's that supposed to mean?' And he said 'just that if you leave with her I will fucking kill you'
I know it's the right decision to leave but I need to do it safely and don't know how and I don't want him to work his way back in again.